Langolier

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Meatballs, lychees or langoliers? Knowing the difference could save your life.

A langolier is the mature adult phase of a lychee nut from another dimension. It has a voracious appetite and causes great mindless destruction as it appears in large packs, crossing from an unworldly dimension into ours. They are seldom seen as most people today are hunched over their phone screens pretending to look at pictures of cats but actually fantasizing having sex with whoever or whatever's photo is sent to them via Instagram.

Appearance and behavior[edit]

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Langoliers are wrinkled round reddish brown creatures with a mouthful of sharklike teeth. About 6 feet (1.8 meters) in diameter, they are often mistaken for meatballs or large nutsacks as they pop into existence into our world. Therefore, human casualties are greatest among Italian food fans and cheap hookers who fail to regard langoliers as being dangerous. Hermaphrodites are never fooled as they can recognize a scrotum combined with a vagina dentata from a mile away.[1]

Langoliers are often described as having a fuzzy halo or outline, reportedly making them look like bad CGI animation. However, director of Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010) and noted CGI expert James Nguyen has stated that the effect is from distortion of the space-time continuum and not from any special effects. Scientists agree, but only when they are drunk or loaded.

While noses are not evident on langoliers, they do make snorting and loud chewing noises as they eat their way through anything and everything including the sky. Their sound is said to be exactly like that of the Tasmanian Devil. Miss Manners has publicly stated her disapproval of them on that basis.[2]

Origins[edit]

A mature langolier in mid-burp. Note that the dimension they come from looks remarkably like plastic sheeting in our dimension.

It has been scientifically proven that langoliers are a manifestation of Stephen King's overly fertile imagination. One foggy night in Derry, Maine, staggering home drunk after a night of bad Chinese food and lots of beers[3] while playing game after game of Pac-Man, King was run down by a motorist and thrown into a ditch. Little did he know that the ditch was a portal into another dimension, one that was carried with him as an ambulance rushed him to Arkham City Hospital.[4]

There, doctors spent some time deciding whether to give him painkillers for surgery, as most of them had read King's The Stand and thought the 150,000 word novel had the weakest ending possible. Meanwhile, the concept of the langolier was born in King's unconscious mind, combining the lychee nut dessert he had with the Pac-Man character and a recent trip to the dentist. The first langolier was created in the alternate dimension and soon grew to maturity and multiplied.

Langoliers are composed largely of guilt combined with hubris. While virtual in the dimension where they originate, langoliers contain enough guilt and hubris to become solid in our dimension. Guilt comes from Stephen King's ability to write incredibly huge amounts of verbiage, the written equivalent of verbal diarrhea, without any editing or controls. Where Stephen King is a typical writer unable to self-edit, his ego refuses to allow his work to ever be edited. So this unrequited desire to reduce the number of trees killed for his manuscripts and printed books is manifested in the langoliers' huge appetites, consuming everything in their path. In other words, they act out his Freudian desire to edit his own work and not create paperbacks too big for one person to carry.

Hubris is a somewhat limited component in langoliers as King regularly packages his hubris in 55 gallon drums and ships it off to the US House of Representatives, France and Russia. Still, hubris appears in King's works as the idea that deus ex machina endings are super effective story tools when he gets hungry or has to go the bathroom.

As langoliers are the result of a possibly deranged mind, they do not possess logic or predictability. This allows them to act according to the Laws of the Wilhelm Scream, where they roar, shake their heads and gnash their teeth when encountering perfectly edible people, allowing the latter to escape time after time. When a large group of edible people are encountered, langoliers are able to detect the individual that can emit a perfect Wilhelm Scream and then eat only him or her.[5]

First recorded encounter[edit]

Dinah Bellhop eventually became a pilot for Ryan Air.

Langoliers were first detected in our dimension by a 12-year-old girl named Dinah Bellhop, who was tragically blinded as a baby when her kitten huffing mother dropped the animal on her. Dinah developed psychic powers in compensation. This proved to be very handy when she detected most of the passengers on her airline flight had disappeared despite the racket from dozens of cheap buzzing vibrators.

After landing the plane psychically,[6] she was stabbed by businessman Craig Balki for landing at the wrong airport. Dinah's super-hearing then detected the sound of chewing and slurping in the distance and she directed the small band of remaining crew and passengers toward what she thought was a Golden Corral restaurant. It turned out to be langoliers literally chewing on the scenery while behind them, a screaming Craig Balki chewed on the scenery figuratively. After everyone insensitively screamed "Look at that!" an irritated Dinah psychically made them wet themselves. All managed to escape death except Craig Balki by figuring out what to do in five minutes after running in circles for three hours. A giant deus ex machina came to their rescue.

Conservation status[edit]

Langoliers are in no way threatened with extinction or even remotely seen to have reduced numbers.[7] This may be due to the fact that nobody is brave enough to go out and try to count them. Even temporary removal of Stephen King's brain has failed to decrease their numbers.[8] Scientists generally agree that everything else is on the endangered species list before langoliers.

See also[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Can you say "symbolism"? I knew you could.
  2. She is still a bitch, however.
  3. Kids, don’t mix Sleeman Clear with Moxie. Just don't.
  4. As everyone knows, in Maine, you can't get there from here. Yet with the portal, it was possible this time.
  5. Langoliers have this ability despite being colorblind and not being able to detect if the victim is wearing a red shirt or not.
  6. not a Boeing 737 MAX-8, obviously
  7. Not being cute and fuzzy sometimes has its rewards.
  8. He is still able to write in this condition. Go figure.

Disclaimer[edit]

No langoliers were harmed in the making of this article. If anything, the original writer got a touch of tendonitis while typing this, but will get over it. The original writer thus holds all langoliers blameless for tendonitis or for any other diseases, conditions, mental derangement, bad weather or natural disasters encountered during or after the creation of this article. Neither langoliers nor the writer are responsible for any refunds in case the article is deleted or causes your phone to explode into flames. The author also tried but failed to obtain supervision of the writing venue by an authorized interdimensional animal welfare organization as none could be found in this dimension.