The Lawyer (Saurus mendicatus) is an omnipresent species of parasite known only to feast upon the vitality of human beings, and, alternatively, governments or corporations. Its long, fattened evolutionary history has produced in the Lawyer a propensity for an unsavory activity called litigation. Much as regular people rely upon a twisted few to collect bovine sperm samples, most human beings are so understandably averse to litigation as to leave the Lawyer with a lucrative monopoly with his hand up Justice's ass.
The Lawyer may be recognised by his freshly ironed starched white shirt, long black trousers, silk power tie, and a strange tendency to constantly compliment everyone he comes into contact with while simultaneously charging them a small one-time consultation fee of around $147. They are weasels, but not bellydancers. They are particularly known to represent scum of the earth , in-short people very much like themselves. Like the mosquito, the Lawyer absconds with his blood-meal very often before the host has even realized it has been stolen. Unlike the mosquito, however, which at worst may give you malaria, Lawyers may expose you to unusually high titers of poison gas, huge electrical voltages, or non-therapeutic intravenous injections. Lawyers have an uncanny ability to defend the innocence of criminals and terrorists whom they would not come within 20 feet of themselves. Lawyers have a very confused understanding of free speech: that free speech is free only if it does not offend them or their clients, whereas violating common decency, or compromising national security, is permissible. A lawyer's worst fear is that somebody, somewhere in the universe, is happy, wealthy, reputable, and getting something productive done. An interesting enigma surrounding lawyerdom is that despite lawyers' notorious greed and guile and all-around sociopathy, at the end of the day they write checks to liberal causes, because after all, lawyers "care about people...especially their most loyal patrons".
Typical habitats for Lawyers are courthouses, hospital emergency rooms, bars, and—according to frequent reports—at the bottom of the ocean. They are also known for being caught and trained as evil villains for the Church of Scientology.
While most lawyers only feed on clients, some are cannibalistic and feed upon their close cousins, politicians, as well. Some lawyers actually become vegetarians, feeding only on greens from nearby wallets. One sub-species of lawyer ate normal human food, but quickly went extinct when their bodies were unable to digest the food.
Lawyers, being the vicious parasitic vermin that they are, are often used by humans as biological weapons. A peculiar aspect of lawyer warfare is that, when attacked with lawyers, one cannot retaliate with force, as doing so will result in a far worse attack of lawyers. Instead, one must retaliate with a lawyer attack. Lawyers are also used as a method of solving deep-seated disputes among humans. Traditionally, such disputes were settled by duels to the death. However, lawyer warfare is generally slower, more painful, more expensive, and more dangerous, causing the government to favor it as the primary method of conflict resolution.
- Changing the diapers of the rich.
- Laundry service of the rich.
- When you want to sue your slutty aunt for the cash she owes you.
- Filling up empty space and creating enough hot air for a hot air balloon to fly across the earth for years.
Scientific Analysis of Lawyers
Lawyers are predatory animals, and, unlike other predators, which attack only the smallest and weakest animals, lawyers prefer to devour the creatures having the most money.
Lawyers thrive in the most dangerous ecosystems, especially ones full of crime, personal injuries, and general unrest. Lawyers also tend to be attracted to the scent of shitty marriages, where there is likely to be prey. Psychiatrists, zoologist, and even astrobiologists have studied lawyers for decades, but little about their behavior is understood. It is believed by geneticists that lawyers are evolved from fungi, but this is only a hypothesis, and will remain unproven until a large-scale scientific study is funded and live lawyers are dissected for analysis.
There is also a piece called a lawyer in the game chess. When a player announces that one of his pieces has become "the client," the lawyer piece assumes the traditional role of "il parasiti," accompanying the "client" piece around the board. A piece attended by a lawyer may not be captured without a valid arrest warrant, and any attempt by the opposition to prevent that piece from capturing the King may result in a substantial fine and for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Any disputes involving the client piece may be removed to a separate board occupied entirely by lawyer pieces which players maneuver for strategic advantage while the client piece steadily loses money. This sub-game often takes years to resolve, and occasionally results in the client piece's suicide. Lawyer pieces are not liable for negligence if this occurs. See, e.g., Meyer v. Maus, 2001 N.D. LEXIS 101,*, 2001 ND 87, 626 N.W.2d 281.
For games played under the International Chess Federation's "Italian Rules" (see particularly Rule 303), any player with a firearm may shoot the lawyer piece, permanently removing it from the board.
Legal Practice Management Software
Lawyers are smart and deadly, but they don't know how to write computer software. In some cases the computer geeks take advantage of the lawyers by writing their legal practice management software. This is a guide for lawyers to know what features to look for and request for legal practice management software. It should be software that handles client and matter data, financial data, docket calendars, court data, conflicts, etc. Good practice management software should be able to have features like keep at least two different sets of accounting books, maybe even more. It should also allow dead or retired lawyers to still bill their clients by proxy by their law firm through living lawyers that still work for the law firm (this is legal representation of a lawyer by another lawyer). It should keep track of bribes and gifts in a private database the FBI cannot access, and lawyers can deny any knowledge of, and encrypted so nobody knows what it does unless they have the decryption keys, and during an FBI raid can zero wipe the hard drive it is located on. It should find ways to discriminate against IT staffers as they are computer geeks and thus not lawyers and are expendable when it comes time to cut expenses and gain more in profits. It should keep track of blackmail material on judges in order to leverage them to find in a client's favor in court. For liability proposes it should keep track of anonymous Swiss Bank accounts and dummy corporations to use for tax shelters and aiding lawyers that got in trouble with the law and move them to a dummy corporation or another company with an anonymous bank account. It also should keep track of payoffs that need to be made to unions and the mafia to avoid trouble with them.
Basically legal practice management software has to be written to help the law firms do their business and serve their clients and find ways around the law to maximize profits and fit with the law firm's code of ethics and business practices.
The End of The Lawyers
Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers," and some 500 years later, his edict came to pass. Lawyers' long and distinguished history came to an abrupt end with the advent of Judge Dredd. He IS the law - judge, jury, and executioner. Through rock bands like Anthrax and television shows like I am the Law & Order, Judge Dredd used social media in the 1990's to render lawyers obsolete and eliminate them from the face of the planet. Indeed, with his "law giver" and his powers of immediate judging and execution, the accused lost their right to counsel and lawyers everywhere were "judged" (a nice way of saying "executed on the spot"). Today, the barristers' wig has been replaced by Judge Dredd's helmet.