Life (video game)
Life is an MMORPG partly based on the most popular fiction novel ever written, the Bible. Life is the most played MMORPG (but World of Whorecraft is coming strong from behind - nothing sexual intended), and the second most played computer game in the world, after Counter Strike. It is developed by God & Friends, Inc. and distributed by "H. Sapiens Ltd." through their unique and original IntraCourse system.
Life is the oldest video game still running. In fact, even its release date has been forgotten.
Life's gameplay consists completely of having car problems, hot girls dumping you, having that jerk beat you up and stealing your lunch money, less talented people getting the promotions you deserve, and being threatened with litigation for every move you make.
Has often been cited as one of the most rushed games ever released, as it took its developer only seven days to complete (though new speculation has arisen that this was actually a much longer period of time). Development started with the lighting engine (it is speculated why this was done first), once this had been finished the developers then worked on the core network code, soon followed by terrain, foliage, finishing off with life's amazing day-night cycle and ecology systems. Once all this was done a beta test was conducted. The developer originally planned to have extremely lenient rules, but when the item "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" became too widely exploited (estimated that 100% of beta testers used it), thus an extensive and strict code of conduct was put in place.
Life has two big chapters: Life and Death. Life is the prologue to Death, and nobody playing the first chapter knows what is in the second chapter. Rumor has it that Death is divided in two worlds, Heaven and Hell (but that hasn't yet been confirmed), although there is also a rumor that Stage 2 merely consists of repeating Stage 1 again, but as a different character. Some even claim that Chapter 2 does not exist at all and that the game ends after Chapter 1. As to why the idea of a Chapter 2 was created, these critics claim that this was invented by various people in order to gain more points on this game.
Chapter 2 is available to all players, on a random invite basis. The invite comes after level 60 in most cases, but however, there is knowledge of many skilled players that get invited to Chapter 2 at early levels (some even before reaching level 2).
Character development in Life™ is based on a unique leveling system. The leveling system is not based on experience, but rather on time (i.e. one does not gain a level when reaching a certain number of experience points, but gains a number of experience points when reaching a certain level). To be more precise, one gains a level after 12 in-game months.
Users gain special privileges once the reach certain levels, for example:
Level 1 or 2 = Gain the ability "Walk"
Level 2 or 3 = Gain access to the chat system and the ability to use the big toilet.
Level 5 = Begin Elementary School set of quests.
Level 11-13 = Go through the Puberty system, where you gain the "Facial Hair" and "Deep Voice" abilities if male and if female the "Periodical Bitch" and "Larger Chest" abilities. Both genders gain the "Pubic Hair" ability.
Level 14 = Begin High School set of quests.
Level 16 = "Mount" ability unlocked. User may now quit High School set of quests if they wish. User may now begin other sets of quests which they may end up doing the rest of their account.
Level 18 = Finish High School quests. User's Party leaders can now choose to kick user out of the Party. If your Wealth stat and/or your Intelligence stat are high enough you may choose the College set of quests. "Smoke" ability unlocked.
Level 21 = "Drink Alcohol" ability unlocked. Access to bars open.
Level 21-30 = Many users start a new Party during these times.
Level 32-37 = Many male users begin to lose their Hair stat while the women begin to lose their Cleavage stat. Both genders rapidly lose their Attractiveness stat.
Level 40 = User is now "Over the Hill". Users lose their Respect stat.
Level 50 = Users usually quit their quests at this point.
Level 60 = Users randomly die from this level up. Level of death is determined by how often users have used their "Drink Alcohol", "Smoke", and "Mount" abilities.
Level 70-Death = All stats decrease slowly until the end...
Parties can be made up from one male and one female of the same or different races (Note: bugs may occur. See: Known Issues). The parties usually end up building another common Level 1 character they have to develop together until level 18.
Mounted combat was a very important part of PvP in earlier versions of the game, but has slowly deprecated as time passed. In the current version, only romantic, melancolic Dark Elves still use mounts during combat. (see also: drive-by)
Crafting and cooking
In Life™, players can craft a vast variety of items and create exotic and unique recipes that affect the characters stats in a positive or negative way and hence create an unique and entertaining gaming experience. Some of the most common items and food amongst Life™ players:
- Fudgesicle - Raises Stamina by +5, Strength +2 and Happiness by +3. However, decreases Charisma by -4.
- iPod - Requires Engineering 45 to create. Stats: Charisma +3, Intellect -1.
- Flavored condoms - Requires Will 20 to create, Charisma 40 to use, Luck 50 not to break. Stats yet unknown.
- Gun Jah - Requires Herbalism 15 to create, level 13 to use. Decreases Stamina, Intellect and Charisma. But hey, it gets you high.
- Soap - Increases Charisma by +4 and Happiness by +3. Can by used Level 18+ users on Level 4 to Level 12 users to decrease their Happiness by -2. Created after looting Boar corpses.
- Smoke sticks - Requires Herbalism 10 to create and can only be used by Level 18+ users. Decreases Health, Stamina, Charisma, and has been known to cause several viruses. But it does increase your Coolness by +7 amongst users lower than Level 17.
- Stamina raising potions - Requires Level 21 to use. Increases Stamina. Decreases Health, Charisma, and can also randomly increase or decrease Happiness. Also increases the Attractiveness of all users around you by +10.
- Fake ID - Requires the befriending of a Level 21+ user. Can allow a user less than level 21 purchase Beer and Smoke Sticks from traders.
- Mini-game Console - Requires Engineering 50 to create. Stats: Intellect -2, Charisma -3, Strength -1, Happiness +8.
- Tea - Requires Herbalism 5 to create. Stats: Stamina +1, Happiness +2. Used most often by Red Elves and members of the UK Guild.
- Milk - Looted from Tauren corpses. Stats: Strength +3, Happiness +1. Female players can also create this drink for Level 1 players.
There are 8 main races for the player to choose from, each with its own advantages and disadvantages:
- Leprechauns - They are pale humanoids, and start with a base +2 points in Intelligence, Luck and Wealth. They are boring. They steal money and cheat on taxes.
- Latino Dwarves - They're tanned and wear big hats. Start with +1 in Agility, +3 Speed, +3 in Labor skills, but -2 in Wealth. They steal wheels.
- Gnomes - Small humanoids with strange eyes. They start with +3 Intelligence, +2 Dexterity, +5 Mating (but still, 0 Satisfaction). They speak Engrish. They steal patents for new technology.
- Dark Elves - Tall, dark skinned creatures, the Dark Elves were once leprechaun slaves. They start with +3 Sneaking, +2 Agility, +1 Strength and +5 Rapping. They have bitches. They steal rims. Excellent at quests that involve stealing, running and/or shooting.
- Dark Dwarves - Tanned people who wear big hats and moustaches. Kind of like latino dwarves, but less respected. They start with +1 Intelligence, +3 Dexterity, +3 Speed, +3 Agility, +6 Pickpocketing and -5 Charisma. They don't really have a guild of their own. They steal all kinds of shit.
- Red Elves - These indigenous plainsmen were once a proud people. Nowadays, they are known as avid gamblers, and are often seen smoking "Peace pipes" on subways and in restrooms. Red Elves are always very cautious, because Leprechauns are known to steal their land, possessions, and family, if and when the opportunity arises. +2 Intelligence, +3 Strength, +3 Scalping, +8 Tomahawk Skillz, -5 Cholera resistance.
- Pixies - Greedy lil' money-grubbing bastards; the lowest of the low. This race is known for being both very whiny, and generally obnoxious. Although they are lacking in terms of physical skills, Pixies are known for their extreme accounting skills, as well as their ability to sprout curly hair at any place on their body in a matter of seconds. +3 Intelligence, +4 Stealth, +20 Avarice, -1,000,000 Social Skills.
- Trolls - Short, Walrus-cooking people who wear large overcoats that cover their mouths and hair. Known for their great skills as hunter/gatherers, as well as an incredible knack for pissing people off with their stupid jokes, Trolls are considered to be better than pixies but not by far... -1 intelligence, +2 Dexterity, +3 Spear-chucking, +2 Food-Poisoning Resistance, +6 Cannibalism. Trolls cannot survive on their own; after eating their own internal organs, abandoned Trolls generally die of spontaneous combustion
- Warrior - Leprechauns, Dark Elves and Dark Dwarves.
- Thief - All races.
- Rogue - Dark Dwarves and Dark Elves.
- Ninja - Gnomes.
- Assassins - Leprechauns and Latino Dwarves (see also: Desperados)
- Techie - Mostly the Gnomes. Also a few Leprechauns.
- Priest - All races except Dark Dwarves.
- Shaman - Dark Dwarves.
- Archer - All races. (at level 22, Archers gain the ability to use "Gun" type weapons.)
Besides the common professions from every game on the market, Life holds patents to some other professions. Here they are, in random order:
- Prostitution - Basic profession for most females and some males of every race. After Level 18 they can upgrade to Acting and/or Singing
- Malling - The act of going to one of the in-game big buildings and just hanging around. Done by Leprechaun Females levels 13-16.
- Early parenting - Generally done by Dark Elves and Dwarves levels 13-16.
- Pedophilia - Mostly done by Leprechaun Priests that belong to the Belgium Guild and Michael Jackson.
- Drunk driving - Pretty self-explanatory: riding your mount while under the influences of stamina raising potions.
- Begging - Main profession for Dark Dwarves belonging to the Romania Guild. Curiously, they don't exercise their skill with their own guild, but rather inside other guilds from the European Realm.
Often, during the course of gameplay, characters inevitably contract viruses that can be potentially harmful to the user's gameplay mechanics, and often result in the user's entrance into the second chapter. Certain viruses can be contracted randomly at any point in the game, although these viruses have low risk levels, and generally incapacitate the user for several days. However, certain other diseases can be much more harmful and severe, such as the "C@nc0r" virus, also known as the "I'm fucked" virus. The easiest way to contract this virus is to smoke a "death stick", which can be purchased at any local convienience store for a nominal price. Death sticks generally take effect after 20-30 levels, and transport the user to chapter 2 several levels later. It is guestimated that 110% of users die from the "C@nc0r" virus, although this fact cannot be verified because I just pulled that statistic out of my ass.
Many viruses are considered "malicious viruses", in that they are given to a user by another user. Such viruses include "A1D5_Haxzor", "H3pa71715_<", and "H3rp35_169". These viruses are often referred to as the "Bastard Viruses", and result in diminished gameplay, as well as a loss of certain features, such as sexual intercourse. A "Rubber shield" can often protect users from contracting "malicious viruses", although many users choose not to use them because they feel that "Rubber Shields" demoralize their "Charisma" attributes. The afforementioned users are assholes, who generally end up bringing a new user into the world of gameplay 3/4 of a level later.
Finally, there are certain viruses that create "Glitches" in the user's gameplay, while leaving them in the first chapter. Such viruses can both slow down and freeze the users gameplay, causing the majority of users to throw tantrums, and slowly degrade into belligerent dicks. Such viruses include "Blindism", "Leopardosy", "Fattyism", "IBS", "Turrets syndrome", and "Retardification". All of the afore-mentioned diseases create huge challenges in the users gameplay mechanics, although some users find their newfound challenges entertaining*.
- Note- see "St3v13_1der", "R08_R31n3r", "J0rg_C100N3Y", and "George Dubya Bush".
The following are characters that, for their in-game behavior, remain legends in the Life world:
- jezus-X - Supposedly, son of the game's lead programmer. Used exploits for resurrection, quick healing, seeing into the future and metamorphosis (e.g. water into wine etc). Those features are not implemented nor announced for future expansion packs. jezus-X got ganked and killed, but used resurrection on himself, so his account was banned around level 30. This ban is to be lifted at an unknown time. Rumor has it that when the ban is lifted the game servers will be shut down, in order to make way for the sequel "Creepy-Looking-Animal Trainer"
- hitler_@ - Leader of the "Nazi" guild. Developed a variant of metamorphosis. He used to transform pixies into soap, so his account got banned as well. Rumor has it that hitler_@ is actually a clone character of the jezus-X player .
- Chuck Norris - Developed a groundbreaking pair of boots ("Boots of Supreme Pain") that led to its famous RoundhouseKick™.
- Mr. T, for his famous saying, "I pity the fool" (as a reaction to jezus-X's banning).
- Leeroy Jenkins, because every video game has to have one.
- MJ_BW<3k1ds - cheater. The first and only player to change his character's race without deleting it. However, nobody managed to prove he hacked the game yet, so his account is still valid.
- halfabuck - took 9 critical shots in one fight and still managed to get out of it alive.
- ismokbushes - Rumored to be the hacker that messed up the code for the guild master of the USA clan. As a result, he is extremely unpopular amongst many players of different races and clans, but he remains highly popular amongst archers.
- L337_M0535 - Known for leading a horde of Pixies in revolt against a particularly abusive admin, (F@r0h_1369), this legendary player was said to possess an incredible arsenal of talents, including the ability to shape-change, as well as the skill to shoot lasers from his eyes. Disappeared after a sordid affair with a particularly frisky pixie.
- Unrivaled PvP combat
- VR-like interaction with other gamers
- Multiple chat options
- Unique, high quality emotes
- Realistic graphics
- Realistic physics engine and rag-doll effect
- Fully destructible environments
- An innovative health system
Every few in-game years, a server maintenance is carried out in order to get rid of the cheating, exploiting players. Most of these maintenances get their own names, so the players who did not get their accounts banned could have something to refer to when worshipping the game's developers. Many of the maintenances take place without shutting down the game, for more dramatism. Here are some of the major server maintenances, in no specific order:
- World War I - it was such a dramatic one, that the developers even created its own video game
- Katrina - Russian whore that gave STDs to more than 200.000 of players around the Village of New Orleans. Over 60.000 were banned for breaking the Terms Of Service (in which it was clearly stated: "[...] nor have sex with Russian whores named Katrina in the vicinity of Village of New Orleans. [...]"). Over 150.000 more were given a warning and were penalized.
- 9/11 - Employees of another game developing company sabotaged Life™, thus banning a few thousand accounts.
- Burt Reynolds - It is said that upon seeing a shocking avatar of the Burt Reynolds character, almost 500.000 players decided to delete their accounts.
Along the years, Life™'s developers released a series of expansion packs with new maps, new dungeons and new opportunities. The most notable of all expansions is "America", also called The Realm of Dreams. It was quickly populated with players from other realms, and thus a new guild arose. It is called U.S.A., and once a great guild, it is now only a mixture of races, classes and professions that report each other to the Game Masters and accuse each other of cheating for any (stupid) reason. It is said that its Guild Master is actually not a human player, but a bot/script that went bad. Its orriginal goal was to flawlessly lead the Guild, but it turned out that because of being hosted on Windows, its security was weak and it was hacked. However, the hackers did not destroy the guild by controlling its leader, but instead used it to make fun of the guild in front of the whole player community (see also: terrorism, nuclear, fool me once).
The USA Realm is also a great place for Latino Dwarves to steal wheels.
Life producers are dealing with a series of bugs since the first version of the game:
- The Mating bug. Although the Life™ parties are supposed to consist in one male and one female, more and more parties are forming, consisting in just two males. (Parties of two females or one male and two females are known to exist, but are considered features).
- The Interracial bug - parties of, for example, Leprechaun Female and Dark Elf male. That's just wrong.
- World War I (video game)
- World of Whorecraft
- Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One - just for the fun of it.