Dr. Lindsay Lohan (born July 2, 1986) is an American chemist, alcoholic, potential bisexual, attention whore and winner of a dual Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actress, who performed astonishingly well on the charts when she tried out being a pop singer. She is equally well-known for her involvement in the OJ Simpson trial and in rap music.
When Lindsay was born, her parents immediately enrolled her in Hollywood's Toothsome Academy for Future Stars. They hoped that a future casting call would specify, Wanted: kid with freckles and fair skin. Lindsay narrowly lost out to Macaulay Culkin for Home Alone and to her great rival Christina Ricci in the Addams Family franchise. She eventually got a role in the TV series Another World. It seems a director saw this and thought Lindsay would be good in the film remake of The Parent Trap. Playing twin sisters separated at birth, Lindsay's freckles got more notice than her acting. Some of the audience were physically sick watching her on screen, as her desperation to be loved added a drowning level of syrup to the finished product.
Lohan was all set to follow the squeaky-clean route of child star to adult raver, like Britney Spears, Drew Barrymore, Shirley Temple, and Christina Ricci. But she grew away from the film or television screens, instead choosing to act out the rest of her career on YouTube and Court TV. Those who are generous are saying Lohan is just getting in all the life experiences she missed a child, and that by the age of 30 they claim she will be the next Angelina Jolie.
Movie critics often interpret why Lohan has been very choosy about her film roles. Quite surprisingly to the industry, she withdrew from a film adaptation of Oscar Wilde's A Woman of No Importance despite being a natural for the title role. Her recently preferred film roles were to appear naked with ridiculous hair extensions in Machete, an unerotic pole dancer (and playing her own twin so you got a double helping) in I Know Who Killed Me, and a dimwitted groupie in Chapter 27, a film about John Lennon's assassin Mark Chapman.
In December 2011, she got the bad boys out for Playboy. Twice, in fact, when Playboy turned down the first set of photos because she was "showing less life in them than a corpse on a slab," and threatened to withhold the payment. However, other even badder boys leaked the photos on to the internet before the magazine came out. Lindsay's fee for posing was subsequently reduced. Her bored-looking Marilyn Monroe poses were voted the least erotic picture spread by the discerning New York Times.
Lohan's "Monroe" was followed in 2012 by landing the title role of Elizabeth Taylor. The veteran actress was so disgusted by this choice that she died as a protest. The production went ahead and got some of the worst previews of all time.
Taking a few books off a friend's bookshelf and reading them on a sun lounger in Los Angeles, Lohan prepared herself to become Elizabeth Taylor. The film was titled Liz & Dick Get Shouty Drunk Together, and was supposed to chronicle the stormy marriage of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. That Lohan looked nothing like Taylor (even with wigs and CGI) and couldn't even get close to Taylor's middle-of-the-Atlantic accent didn't matter. The entire production stank, but at least Lohan was getting noticed for more than arrests and partying.
Critics raved that Lohan's performance as the pill-popping, bed-hopping, histrionic drama queen Elizabeth Taylor was said to be "so close to reality that you would swear that she wasn't acting." You would swear a lot. But as for the rest of Taylor's charms — the ones that had bagged her eight husbands, the husbands of a few others, and the adoring attention of Hollywood's closeted community — Lohan just didn't have it. Her phone didn't ring for any more jobs except a few that would require a move into the Valley Girl Film Industry.
Working with Porn Actors
Lohan's career has dropped so low that now she is meeting porn ('adult') actors on the way up like James Deen. They appeared together in the snooze sex tease film The Canyons. Told she was expected to get involved in the hot action with three other porn actors, Lohan stayed at the back of the orgy scenes. This time she wasn't allowed to wear a merkin on her head but instead had the scene shot with dim lights so that it was hard to see what was going on. Lohan said she loathed the film and the sleaze bag cast and director and refused to to publicise the film at the 2013 Venice Film Festival.
CRAZY BITCH: Lindsay Lohan on a major killing spree that resulted in the death of a dozen of her own dancers.
Lindsay on drugs (presumably cocaine). This would have been your first chance to get laid with her, unless you are a man, then you just walk up to her and she starts right there. Oh, and note the handbag - possible source of her powers.