Nun-Bunting
“The sweet crack of willow against clericals”
“I love the squishy sound”
Nun Bunting was a common sport among the Dutch Nobility, its popularity peaking near the end of the first millennium, and finally leaving the mainstream after the Nun-Bunting Ban of 1066, though it continues to this day in illegal bunting houses.
The History of Nun-Bunting[edit]
Nun-Bunting is closely related to the more well-known games of cricket and baseball, though whether it spawned such abominations or simply shares a common ancestor is still hotly debated by historians and Friends of the Trees.
The first known representations of Nun-Bunting date back to the antediluvian times well before the invention of cave painting. One illustration found painted on the side of a large mass of stone, protruding from the side of a hill in a way opposite to the way a cave would un-protrude into said hill, represents an undomesticated nun being bunted by Noah off the side of his Ark into a nearby tar pit. Later paintings found at Konarak include representations of Jebus crafting a bunting-stick of purest Word of God and maple, and later show the Disciples and their Lord Nun-Bunting with some remarkably large nuns.
The first recorded rules of the game were printed on kangaroo hide by the indigenous peoples of Australia, and show how little the game has changed over the years.
Elements of the Game[edit]
- The game is played with two to eight teams of four to thirteen persons.
- Each member of a team wields a bunting bat.
- The objective is to bunt as many nuns as possible within the time limits. Bonus points are awarded for distance and style.
- All nuns must be from the same order and wear identical habits such as smoking, drinking, and fast dancing on Wednesday nights Bingo festivities.
- To draw blood from any of the nuns at any time is absolutely forbidden and results in immediate disbarment of the offending bunter.
- The bunting field is generally a circle of turf or clay with a twenty nun-length diameter, but the game is some times played on fields of differing sizes or irregular shapes, depending on the circuit and venue.
- The variety of nun to be used in a bunting match is either agreed upon by the teams beforehand or standardized in the case of a tournament or other large-scale bunting event.
- In the event of a tie, both teams must say 150 Hail Marys, 40 Our Fathers and go to bed without dessert (unless they are atheists or Pastafarians).
The Peculiar Physics of Nun-Bunting[edit]
Due to the theological physics that apply to nuns, the dynamics of nun-bunting are somewhat different than those of ordinary sports. (This unique characteristic is often used to explain the popularity of the game among certain demographics.) Most notably, the nuns are not struck as one might strike a secular object, but an enormous amount of force can be applied to a nun through a simple bunt, while a much more forceful swing would be required to propel a more earthly object, such as a ball, or infant child (With a few notable historical exceptions, of course). The the exact technique of the nun-bunt is very subtle and experts often disagree as to what technique provides the best yield, but there are three generally agreed upon concepts that shape a well executed bunt:
- The distance the nun travels is not proportional to the physical force applied.
- The direction the nun travels is not related to the euclidian bat-normal.
- The moment of nun-bat contact is not necessarily related to the moment that the nun takes to the air.
Famous Bunts[edit]
The sport of Nun-Bunting has been graced by some rather godly bunters, and has, therefor, a Hall of Fame to put all other Halls of Fame to shame, and which was the first Hall of Fame to be admitted into the Halls of Fame Hall of Fame.
- Noah, who had 500 years to perfect his bunting swing, achieved one of the greatest single bunts in Nun-Bunting History. Using a primitive bat fashioned from mammoth foot and pterodactyl, he is said to have bunted an undomesticated nun over four miles, and received a perfect 10 from each of the five judges on the panel. Though the exact details of the bunt have been lost, most theologians agree that the nun did an inverted 4320 degree spin and half-cab mute grab, followed by a perfectly executed switched cork 720 in the opposite direction, and landed unhurt on a granite outcropping. This bunt singlehandedly won the match against team Deluge.
- Christ's most famous bunt took place during the biblically celebrated grudge-match between Team God and Team Pilate. Though it is generally accepted that it wasn't Jesus' most technically impressive bunt, it was the first and only bunt to have gotten a perfect 10 for style from every judge after the bunter had been scourged, crowned with thorns, and crucified. Though the Judges had turned a blind eye to the scourging and crowning with thorns, which were technically forbidden by tournament rules, not wanting to interrupt such an historical match, the crucifixion was too much to ignore, and a foul was called on Pilate who was forced to sit out for the third quarter. At this point, owing to Jesus having had difficulty giving the game his best due to the scourging and crowning with thorns, Team Pilate was up 87 points and had control of the nuns. The game seemed hopeless for Team God, but they persevered, narrowing the gap down to a mere 23 points, and maintaining their cool despite the the gruesome spectacle of their captain hanging from a cross in the middle of the play field. As the game wore on, the scores coming to a tenuous tie, both teams grew tired and a timeout was called as Jesus was taken down from the cross and properly entombed. When the fourth quarter commenced several hours later, and Pilate returned to play, though Team God kept bunting some amazing nun, they simply couldn't hold off the highly trained and organized Roman competition, and prepared to come to terms with defeat as the game drew to an end. The score was 240 to 896, and it seemed only a miracle could save Team God, when a beam of light showed down from the clouds, and Christ stepped onto the field, glowing with a divine light. In his hand was a Mark-12 NunChucker, freshly waxed and fitted with the latest stability equalizers and habit dampening matrices, and he spoke, saying "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God (Saint John 3:2)" And he raised his Mk12 and let it fall hard on the backside of a nearby nun, who flew thrice round the stadium, saying each time a prayer to the Lord, and scoring 1253 points, thus winning the game for Team God.