One
Long thought of as being the loneliest number, One in fact has a healthy, monogamous relationship (naturally) with his long-term girlfriend 2. In all their years together, One has never had an affair.
One achieves this iron self-control over his sexuality by periodically seeking out hookers and strangling them, thus sublimating his desire for sexual variety with the aid of violence.
"Substituting violence for sex is the key to romantic happiness," says One, nodding sagely to the youth who came to his house seeking his wisdom whilst eating One's food and rummaging through One's things, before picking up a coatstand and buggering the young boy to death with the large end.
"You see? There'll be no matrimonial disputes in this house, not while I can maintain my psychopathic zeal for the destruction of innocent young boys," smiled One, as he wiped the young lad's blood from his brow and proceeded to drag the battered corpse into the courtyard of his elegant but discreetly located Victorian house.
A glint in his eye and a spring in his step, he turned to Two; "Be a love, dear, and get my spade". Skipping to the toolshed, Two returned with the biggest spade her dainty hands could carry, and because their love for each other was so strong, they buried that young chap under the plum tree, and walked into the sunset, their hands holding each other's digits.
The Loneliest Number?
Some will argue, that One, is indeed the loneliest number. Some of their arguments: "One has to be the loneliest number, the loneliest number that you'll ever do.". When asked why, they reply with a smirky: "Well, 2 can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one." Indeed, it is. Yet that leaves much room to argue. Argue "about what," you ask? Well, see yes or no for more info on that.
Although unknown to most, 1 is divisible by 1.
Mathematical Implications
1 + 1 is 3 for extremely large values of 1. how many times does 1 go into 0=as many times as it wants!!! 1 is also confused with his twin 0.9999999... although many mathematicians have attempted to distinguish between the two, the numerical cannibalism act of '87 ensured that once 0.9999999... is caught, he/she will be swiftly plumped, stuffed and roasted and eaten by all numbers within the inequality: 0< (no one likes negatives).