Phil Kessel
Philip Joseph Kessel Jr. (born October 2, 1987) is a being made of bootleg DVDs from the Pittsburgh strip district and day old Primanti's. His diet consists of cole slaw, pigs in a blanket, and Yuengling Lager. Phil Kessel is Pennsylvania. He is also a semi-professional American ice hockey player currently playing for the Pittsburgh "Luckiest Franchise" Penguins. Kessel rose to fame as a leading scorer and pregame national anthem singer for the Toronto Maple Leafs. In the summer of 2015, Kessel was caught participating in an amoxycillin drug trafficking ring in Toronto and was extradited to the United States to face criminal charges. After a lucrative plea bargain, Kessel was let off with a stern warning and community service. To this day, Kessel continues to work with underprivileged children as a career coach helping them pursue their dreams and gain long-term employment in the amoxycillin industry.
Kessel has also gained fame through his sister Amanda Kessel, who is currently the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World. Unfortunately, Kessel sat out the 2015-16 NHL season due to a chronic eating disorder and an addiction to cookies and burgers. He is currently being treated at the Jarome Iginla Centre For Unwell Kids Who Want to Get Better.
Early life[edit]
Kessel grew up in Mud Lake, Minnesota and thus was an avid fan of the nearby Winnipeg Jets. During his childhood Phil experienced many traumatizing events. He was often bullied for his weight and adult acne.
Playing career[edit]
Phil Kessel started his Career in Boston before he was traded to the Toronto Maple Leafs for the Leafs franchise building blocks, hopes of any playoff contention, their future starting goalie and the left bleachers of the Air Canada Centre (The home arena of the Toronto Maple Leafs)
Big stone, leads the league in hits, blocked shots and penalty minutes. Known for his defensive style of play, constantly sacrificing the body to help the team. He is notorious for his back checking style of play.
During the 2013-14 season Kessel competed in a heated ping pong tournament with big, mean Dion "Cap'n Crunch" Phaneuf. The results of this tournament are disputed with both participants claiming to be the champion.
Kessel is endorsed by many large companies including: Chips Ahoy, Burger King, Powerade (only the blue flavor, though), and the very unreliable Bozak Taxi service. Since his tenure in Pittsburgh began in 2015, it is a mystery how he gets to the games, some believe that he uses his god like speed to teleport from local burger joints to the Penguins locker room.