Pikmin

A pikmin furiously whipping its prey.

“Awwwwwwwwwwww They're cute. And they just killed Aeris”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pikmin

Pikmin are unsocial organisms of the kingdom Protista and, along with the related families of Pokemonstera and Goombadoptra, belong to the list of copyrights held by Nintendo.

Biology and behavior

Pikmin, much like Lady GaGa, are hermaphrodites, and as such are unable to have sex. Their natural predators are the Twelve Olympians of Greek Mythology and their sole purpose is to be the sacrifices to the gods. People used to use them as drug references in the fight to legalize marijuana, but after two games being made about them, they are now represented as "Those cute lil plant thingies from space". After living a total of thirty two days they will blow up. This is very painful and may send you to the hospital if they aren't out of your system in time (the narcotic version of "Pikmin" will not do this.)

Appearances and growth

Pikmin resemble emaciated pointy little people, due to their uniquely low polygon count. Presumably this evolutionary miracle allowed for the existence of up to one hundred Pikmin at a time in a given habitat.

Pikmin are born as prenatal gobs of color called Seeds, which are forcibly yanked from the sweet womb of the soil. Each Pikmin has a leaf, a bud, or a tumor on its head, indicating how long it spent alone in the dirt, thinking about illicit drug use. There have been reports of other marijuana-related icons on heads including pipes, bongs, and Tommy Chongs, but you have to wait a really long time before you pluck them.

There are seven species of Pikmin, each aligned to a medieval European state. The Red Pikmin are aligned with the Huns, the Blue with the Holy Roman Empire, the Yellow with the British, the Purple with the Impressionists, and the White with Sodium Fluoride. Rock Pikmin and Winged Pikmin are still deciding their historical allegiances, constantly fighting over who represents the Axis and the Allies. They are also unique in that despite being created by a Japanese company, their race was not considered to be part of an interspecies/alien/monster porn cartoon unlike the rest of the game's animals.

Types of Pikmin

Red Pikmin

Red Pikmin were the first type of Pikmin to be discovered by Captain Olimar, since they were the only ones to survive being incinerated by the crash of the S.S. Dolphin. Red Pikmin do not burn like other Pikmin types when examined under a magnifying lens on a sunny day, since they are flame retardant, so they cannot be executed by means of burning at the stake. They absorb the excess heat, making them into vicious little hotheads; this explains why they have the strongest attack power in combat.

Red Pikmin have noses, enabling them to smell the fear in their prey.

Yellow Pikmin

Yellow Pikmin are the lightest type of Pikmin, despite being larger than White Pikmin. They are frequently observed recklessly handling explosives. They are also resistant to electricity, so they cannot be executed by means of the electric chair.

Yellow Pikmin have ears, enabling them to hear the sobs and whimpers of their prey.

Blue Pikmin

Blue Pikmin can breathe underwater and swim, so they cannot be executed by drowning. This is the only power they have, making them the most boring type of Pikmin, as well as a type of seaweed. If they didn't use this ability to carve out an entire ecological niche for themselves, they likely would have gone extinct long ago.

Blue Pikmin have mouthlike gills, enabling them to smile creepily and laugh maniacally as they chase their prey.

Purple Pikmin

Purple Pikmin are the fattest and heaviest type of Pikmin, even fatter than most other species. They acquire this fat from discarded McDonald's food on the ground, and is thought to be a defense mechanism. Their high cholesterol content eventually induces heart attacks in anything which eats them. However, they are also very strong, being able to lift 10 times the weight of other Pikmin. Unfortunately, they're also lazy fatasses, carrying things so slow it's worth hiring more of the other kinds to get the job done instead.

Purple Pikmin have little hairs on their heads, enabling them to better absorb the splattered blood of their prey.

White Pikmin

White Pikmin are the smallest type of Pikmin, even smaller than Yellow Pikmin, and yet heavier than they are. This gives them a bit of an inferiority complex. However, they are also pretty awesome, since they contain chemicals classified by the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects, projectile vomiting and death. And that's only at low doses. Since they contain so many toxins, they cannot be poisoned, so they cannot be executed by means of lethal injection or gas chamber. They are also very fast and twitchy from constantly being high, making them perfect for carrying things quickly. Lastly, their specialized eyes let them find things buried in the dirt, like cat feces and human skeletons.

White Pikmin have red eyes, enabling them to see their prey clearly even in complete darkness.

Rock Pikmin

Rock Pikmin grow inside little grey rocks, and yet are still lighter than Purple Pikmin. This is probably a testament to the sheer obesity of the latter. Their rocky bodies make them crushproof, so they cannot be executed by means of trash compactor. They can be chucked at enemies' heads to stone them to death, or even at glass because glass is fun to shatter. Dentists strongly recommend against trying to eat Rock Pikmin. Their rocky bodies surprisingly don't slow them down, but they are easy to roll, making them ideal alternatives to marbles and ball bearings.

Rock Pikmin have hard rocky bodies, enabling them to smash their prey.

Winged Pikmin

Winged Pikmin are pink, because it makes them feel fabulous. They can fly, so they cannot be executed by means of bottomless pit. They are useful for fighting aerial enemies, but are ridiculously weak against anything else. One would think they could fly over some of the really tall cliffs in the environment, but apparently the air gets too thin for their wings to work with at altitudes higher than 6 inches. They like to rip plants out of the ground, ruining gardens in the process. They could probably pluck other Pikmin for the player, but choose not to out of sheer laziness. They also have bee-like stripes and blue eyes, for no discernible reason.

Winged Pikmin have wings, enabling them to chase their prey from above, leaving no escape.

Hunting and diet

Pikmin hunt in packs, like carrots, and use their hyper-evolved flagella to whip their prey into submission. If they have matured to a flower-like state, they become more aggressive, faster, more attractive, and receive more satisfaction from simple pleasures in life. Pikmin will attack creatures much larger than themselves if thrown in that direction.

Relationship with humans

Pikmin were first documented in the wild by Shigeru Miyamoto, who recorded his findings in a documentary video game called Pokémon (2001). The game was a commercial failure due to Miyamoto’s refusal to portray the Pikmin meat-orgy, which had captured the public's imagination, and because it had some kind of giant strawberry thing on the cover. Nevertheless, Miyamoto produced a sequel game three years later called Pokemon 2: Mystery Dungeon, based on more of his findings, featuring a graphic depiction of the Pikmin mating ritual, and better controls. This game was a commercial failure due to its too-graphic depiction of the Pikmin eating ritual.

Man-eaters

While Pikmin have been known to collect a severed toe or tongue and take it to their Onion, there have not yet been reports of eating entire people. If they did manage to fell a human and carry it to their Onion, there is no doubt it would be worth at least 1500 Seeds.

In captivity

If you want, you can teach Pikmin to do a funny dance! Red, Yellow, Purple, or White Pikmin will begin dancing and singing happily if thrown into pools of water. They will dance for a few seconds, before bowing and ending their song joyfully. They will dance so hard that they go to sleep! You can see them ascending to dreamland as a lightly colored wisp. Blue Pikmin will only dance in fire, however.

Population and conservation status

Pikmin have been the source of much controversy ever since the U.S. President Frederal Delanorge Reaganstonvelt refused to add them to the endangered species list in 2006. While numerous readings have suggested the total population of Pikmin in the wild as no more than 100, other reports say that this cannot possibly be true, because you can always go to the Onion and get more.

Hybrids

It has been often claimed that one anonymous captain was able to enter an Onion by faking his own death. The Pikmin carried him into the Onion, where he proceeded to participate in the mating of Pikmin. He never came out, and is presumably having a good time, or was eaten. A hybrid Pikmin seed was produced and planted, but only brief video footage of the event exists and no one has ever seen the creature mature. If the story is true, the hybrid was probably sterile, like the tigon or the zeedonk.