Schmitler
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Adolf Schmitler von Knorring (June 3, 1892 - June 13th, 1955) was an Austrian doctor known for work as Hitler's rival and for writing a best selling novel among cardiologists known as My Cough. Though he started as a doctor and became famous for his work as an author, he later went on to politics, running against Hitler, ultimately unsuccessfully. Although at the time Schmitler was seen in public eye as a promising doctor and an excellent author, he is now remembered as a nut job whose entire life was based on his hatred of Hitler.
Early life[edit]
Upbringing[edit]
Schmitler was born in Detroit, USA to a chimney sweep and an exotic dancer. Fearing the begging of a war in America due to do a conspiracy theory they found on the walls of a porta poddy, his parents fled to the border of Germany, Braunau am Inn, Austria. He grew up on the same street as Hitler, beginning a lifelong rivalry between the two. The rivalry was sparked by Schmitler's mother, Chicler. The debate started when Chicler commented on Hitler's mom, telling her only child Schmitler: "That woman (Hitler's mom) is a no good whore, and is nothing but a filthy soccer mom to that poor boy Hitler. I do not want you hanging out with him or his family." As Hitler and Schmitler grew up, so did the debate alongside them.
Education[edit]
He attended Stinson Elementary, a k-9 school that taught boys how to earn money and a wife, alongside the regular educational curriculum. He later attended Jimbo's School For Boys in high school, a school known for their money laundering. His grades were mediocre until a later event set him on the course for victory. He was never popular in school. The other kids didn't like him because he was antisocial, and the teachers didn't like him because of his pore grades.
Home life[edit]
His father was an alcoholic who abused Chicler and Schmitler. Chicler did her best to take care of Schmitler, but felt inadequate. This left Shmitler feeling broken and lost. Schmitler ended up taking care of himself most nights. Due to home troubles like these he had no true friends. His best friend was a balloon he had named "Mortimer Francisco Igor Stratovitch," one that he used to pick up chicks, unsuccessfully.
Schmitler's trauma[edit]
Head injury[edit]
When Schmitler was 11, he was attempting to escape from a group of kids chasing him. They knocked him down and he fell down and hit his head on the pavement. He woke up in the hospital, with no memory of who we was or what had happened. He racked up thousands of dollars in medical bills in an attempt to treat his injury. He later admitted he had been lying for attention. Historians claim that behavior like this prove he had manipulative and controlling personality traits from a young age.
Chicler's sickness[edit]
On September 11th, 1908, when Schmitler was 16 years old, his mother had come down with a terrible sickness doctor's believed to be leprosy. This put Schmitler's entire life into perspective, and Schmitler wrote in his diary that night, stating: "Dear diary. My mother has come down with the nasty new world leprosy, a horrifying disease. All the other boys, including that nasty Hitler, have been teasing me about it at Jimbo's School for Boys. I now realize my life goal shall be to become a doctor, hopefully then I may be able to find a cure to my mother's sickness. " From that point on Hitler's grades began raising until he reached a 4.5 average, a secrete GPA for students who can obtain "S" rank grades, one higher than an A. After graduating from Bernhardt Strauss' University, shortened to BSU, or BS, he obtained his medical degree, all in the hopes that he could discover a cure and heal his mother. It was around this time that Doctor's discovered Chicler did not indeed have leprosy, but rather, the common cold. This filled Schmitler with regret, who wished he had studied his true passion, porn. He decided it was too late, however, and he would rather stick as a doctor than risk disappointing his mother. Historians believe that this may have played a part in his insideous mental condition.
Career[edit]
Fame as a doctor/author[edit]
On May 7th, 1917, Schmitler published his first book of many he would go on to write, My Cough. This novel picked up traction among cardiologists, but not much to the general public. Doctor's called it "Impassioned," "Informative," and "A fun journey through the respiratory system." Critics, however, calledit "Bland," "Boring," "The pic on page 45 was hott tho." Shortly after the release Schmitler made an appearance on Doctor Oz, in which Doctor Oz explained that he was going to take credit for all of Schmitler's research. He also proceeded to go on Letterman, in which David just slammed him for an hour. The book still brought Schmitler fame, however. One month after the release of My Cough, Schmitler attended a convention based on this known as Coughcon, but was disappointed to find that only a handful of cardiologists attended the week-long event. It was during this event he played a song he had written specially for this occasion on his violin. This angered Hitler, who had been known for utilizing his skills on the banjo to win over fans. Schmitler fired back that night, hosting a presentation at Coughcon, in which he simply told the world: "The banjo is an instrument designed for fools. Intellectuals, such as myself and other Rick and Morty viewers, play enlightened instruments. These include, but are not limited to, the violin and the viola." Hitler sent a message to Schmitler on his Blackberry after the presentation, stating: "Listn dude, im angry. but that isn't why im messagin u tnight. i knw the too of us have some messy history, but do u wanne push al it behind us, and... hook up, man?" Schmitler, amused by this, began alerting everybody of the deed Hitler had done, but Hitler was not amused, and began telling everyone that he was drunk when he sent the message and did not mean any of it. He later revoked this claim, however, telling people his account had been hacked.
Politics[edit]
German election[edit]
Upon hearing the news that his rival Hitler was rising to power, Schmitler decided this couldn't stand. According to him, Hitler was unfit to run. He began campaigning, and wrote his second book, "The Intricacies Of German Politics." This book wasn't quite as well selling as the first book, with critics describing it as "A bit derivative of Mark Twain's Earlier work." He ran against Hitler, touring and playing the violin. Schmitler ran on the platform that: "As a cardiologist, I know the woman's body better than Hitler. I have the world record for delivering the most orgasms in one singular session of sexual intercourse." Unfortunately, Schmitler had not considered that maybe women wanted someone who actually had political experience, and not a man known for delivering a vast quantity of orgasms. This lead to him only receiving 23% of the vote. Today, historians believe that a large reason Schmitler ran was as a ploy to sell copy's of his books.
Mental health post-politics[edit]
Mental problems[edit]
After Schmitler's loss at the hands of Hitler, his mental health began deteriorating. He claimed that the universe had made a fluke, and that he was destined to win that night[citation needed]. He began hiring a team of elite engineers to build him a "quantum travel device", commonly referred to as a time machine. The team was comprised of the top 5 engineers he could get. These were Heimlick "The Sledge" Weiner, James Buckingham, Timmothy O'neil, Ainer Werstein, and Alf, an ex Hitler supporter who switched allegiance after Hitler committed suicide in 1945. This is when Schmitler wrote his third and final book, "A Hidden Truth: How the American Government Hides Time Travel." This book only sold a couple dozen copies, mostly as jokes to consumers. As time went on the members of the team slowly quit, claiming the project was going nowhere. By the end only Alf remained. In 1950 Schmitler vanished in the middle of the night. Timmothy was arrested for his murder, as he had previously written about Schmitler: "The old buffoon is driving the whole team crazy. I shall not let this stand. I must do something." Timothy was later freed when his family provided an alibi proving Timmothy was playing Ping Pong at the Thunder-dome that night. This left the policy and theorists wondering where Schmitler went that night. The leading theory is that Alf finished the project on his own in secret, and Schmitler left in the time machine to set human history on the correct track. Alf Denied an interview, and has only been spotted a few times by paparazzi since that day.
See also[edit]
References[edit]
Schmitler is credited with writing the first anime
Schmitler supposedly was a Marilyn Monroe fan, though this is mostly word of mouth.
Schmitler claimed Hitler was purely jealous of his younger age
Some of Schmitlers remains were found, a finger which matched his dna. This could not be explained, however, as no more body parts could be traced or any dna for that matter.