“SHAQTASTIC. That's 29 points.”
“How'd you get so many Q's?”
“Don't worry about it.”
“In Soviet Russia Scrabble play YOU(6)!”
“Man what am I supposed to spell with three Ks!!!!”
Scrabble(14) is(2) a(0, words must be two letters or more) form(9) of(5) torture(7) involving(16) small(7) wooden(10), or(2) more(6) recently(13), plastic(11) tiles(5) being(7) placed(11) on(2) a(0, words must be two letters or more) board(8) in(2) order(6) to(2) score(7) points(8). It(2) is(2) often(8) used(5) to(2) "educate(10)" people(10) on(2) the(3) proper(9) spelling(11) of(2) words(9), but(5) has(6) recently(13) been(6) banned(27, triple word score) by(7) the(6) Geneva(0, proper noun) convention(15) for(6) being(7) far(6) too(3) dull(5).
Origins of Scrabble
Scrabble originated as an offshoot of Clambers, an ancient anagramming game that relies on the supposed existence of non-words. As a result, forming real words always caused the player to lose.
Modern-day Scrabble was invented in 1947 by a night watchman, Alfred Mosher Buttz, who suffered a calamitous emotional breakdown when he discovered that his unfortunate surname contains no 7-letter words. Epstein now lives in a public park in Antartica, sharing Oreos with kangaroos.
It takes great skill and much time, practice and dedication to play tournament Scrabble. Yet the stakes are worth it; every year, 200,000 pounds of crack cocaine are awarded to the world champion. In North America, blood-sucking vampire bats are frequently presented as prizes at major tournaments.
Because of the special skill set required to be a successful tournament Scrabble player, most of them are geeky, but too geeky to make it a go as a computer programmer nerd, or lack the body fat or hockey jerseys of a sports nerd. They give up much to be a tournament Scrabble player: i.e., time spent memorizing the official Scrabble dictionary and doing practice games, leaving less time available to find and keep jobs, and a loss of opportunities to socialize and hence to find everlasting true love. But not really. Let's face it: In the end, it's not much of a loss, as they are basically unemployable and would otherwise spend most of their day editing articles at Wikipedia; and come on now, they wouldn't meet anyone anyway.
A favorite and bizarre pastime among Scrabblers is studying and debating the not-so-subtle differences between the North American and British editions of the Official Scrabble Dictionary. In reality, all Scrabble tournaments are done in Sanskrit, an ancient language invented just to piss you off.
Scrabble has spawned a number of variants.
Extreme Scrabble, invented in 2004 by Jimmy White, is a popular variant of Scrabble with much greater physical demands.
Participants arrange words people,fields, runways, disused graveyards, or other open spaces, and must steal the letters from shop signs or similar sources of sizable stealable characters. Notable Extreme Scrabble player Bob Hoskins once removed a bunch of six-meter-high letters from Frankfurt International Airport, and combined them with others to spell the word 'Quadrospazzed', receiving a total of 62,000 points, a blancmange, and 25 years in federal prison.
Extreme Scrabble is illegal in the Faeroe Islands, and in residential districts of Butte, MT.
Anti-Scrabble -- or alt-scrabble, as it is known by my girlfriend -- takes the traditional game of Scrabble and stands it on its wang. In this challenging variant, one is permitted to use ONLY those words and terms that are disallowed in "straight" Scrabble (random letters excluded). The use of proper nouns, foreign words (by that I mean non-American words, obviously) and expressive noises such as "nooooooo" or "ewwww" are permitted. Acronyms, abbreviations and slang are also allowed, thus making the average MySpace bulletin author a potential Anti-Scrabble champion. [OMFG LOL]
One thing about acronyms: when a player uses an acronym and is challenged to define said acronym, he or she or it or he/she must define the acronym before consulting the internet for confirmation. If the acronym exists but does not stand for what the player thought it stood for, the acronym cannot be played. This is to deter the execrable practice of "acronym trolling" in which one puts down a random combination of letters in the hope that it will be found to be an acronym (most combinations of two or three letters are acronyms). Don't do that, it's against the rules!
This Scrabble takeoff is perhaps the most intellectually exhausting game ever created.
Simply put, one is rewarded points for doing things that would detract from an ordinary game of Scrabble, or any other game for that matter. Bumping the board and scattering the letters around gets you 25 points. Flatulence is also a legitimate tactic in Retarded Scrabble -- the volume and odor power of the individual fart determines the number of points awarded. Any player with a mullet is awarded 80 points at the start of the match. If a television is nearby, changing the channel to Fox News will net you 200 points. Additionally, the use of secret words (words in which the tiles are played face down) is allowed. These words cannot be taken off the board, even after the game is over; otherwise, they wouldn't really be secret, now would they, Einstein?
Due to the intentionally unreasonable rules, Retarded Scrabble has never been played, except in the Faroe Islands and in residential areas of Butte, MT.
U.S. & A. player "G.I. Joel" Sherman has won the World Scrabble Championshipsix times, despite growing up in a household where Slovenian was the only language used. A few older members of his tribe continue to enjoy thesexytime with yaks.
David vs. Goliath Scrabble
In a match where one player (referred to herein as the "Joel") is much better than the other (referred to herein as "almost anyone else"), this variation makes things a bit more even. Firstly, A.A.E. is allowed those obscure two-letter words while the Joel is not allowed. Secondly, A.A.E. is allowed all words, while the Joel is allowed only verbs. For example, for the Joel, "kettle" would not be allowed, but "deck" would be, as it is a verb.
- "Boil the kettle, would ya.": Noun, therefore not allowed.
- "If Bono were here right now, I would deck him.": Verb, therefore allowed.
Invented by Bristol Palin, the object of this fast-paced game is to spell out the dirtiest words possible.
- "Cheesesack" is a brilliant word for using in Scrabble, as it gets you two points on a triple-word square. People who use this word sometimes are crushed by whales or mistake spleens for arms. (Repeating this "joke" will earn you 157 points in Retarded Scrabble.)
- "Bapatoids" is, in fact, not a word.
- If you spell the word 'Deoxyribonucleicacid', you open the gate to the holy Scrabbleheaven, where you can play Scrabble with 72 virgins all day. For eternity.
- At a recent tournament, an American player tossed the Scrabble board and its contents at her opponent. Then she threw a glass of water in his face.
- A California player is obsessed with penguins, and at least two others are avowed Marxists.
- The largest word that has and ever will be written across the scrabble board is "Supersexythingy".