Sex Robot
“I remember the first time I watched Blade Runner thinking, Holy One Track Bat Computer Mind, wouldn't the future be so much better if all the rich people could own their own 50 foot tall robot centaur, anime school girl sex slaves with machine guns and missile launchers built in?”
As real women (e. g., Pamela Anderson) become less and less available to real men (i. e., bald, fat, slovenly pigs who think about sex all the time), mechanical engineers at Mattel Adult Toy Company, makers of the controversial Barbie sex doll (free plug: "It it's Mattel, it'll swell") have united with Dr. Lauara Schlessinger to design submissive sex robots to fill the gap (so to speak).
Psychological Realism[edit]
Dr. Laura, as she is commonly called, hosts her own instant therapy radio talk show, dispensing wisdom to America's blondes:
- We live in a patriarchy; look it up. Be subservient! Men rule; get used to it, and stop your bitching!
Women, she says, are "narcissists, thinking about no one but their own bodies." A former narcissist herself, Dr. Laura had a "babe" body before succumbing to the effects of prolonged exposure to ultra-violet radiation, her refusal to try Botox, and female-to-male transsexual cybernetic sex-reassignment surgery. In the early days of her practice, before her "transformation," she appeared on the Internet, sans clothing, to drum up business from males who, she says, typically aren't interested in talking about their problems, since women are the cause of them in the first place. As a result of her personal and professional experience, she knows, both second hand, as a former woman, and first hand, as a present android, what red-blooded, heterosexual men really want, she says, “and it’s not a nagging shrew.”
Mattel has hired Dr. Laura as the company's technical expert to ensure that the sex robot is equipped with a "sane and sensible feminine psychological apparatus" that will result in "psychological realism," rather than a skewed, sexist fantasy. "We want our sex robot to be as real as the girl next door, in body and in spirit," Mattel's Sex Robot Project Manager Kurt N. Asinie told reporters at a recent press conference, "except that, of course, she won't ovulate, conceive, menstruate, or suffer from PMS."
Masculine Needs and Desires[edit]
What do men want?
Dr. Laura has listened to thousands of men complain about how their wives, girlfriends, mistresses, and harems treat--or, rather, as she says, "mistreat"--them, and she has written a book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, that explains exactly what men, who, she says, unlike narcissistic women, are "simpleminded," need and want:
- Basically, my book comes down to this: if he can't eat it or have sex with it, he doesn't want it or need it.
Mattel's Model[edit]
In a generous concession to Mattel, she has agreed to let the adult toy manufacturer use a three-dimensional computer-generated simulation of her, as she was when she was "a prime, grade A cut of meat," as their model for their sex robot.
Product Description[edit]
The sex robot:
- is available in chrome or goldplate
- comes with a nine-month warranty
- sings men's praises but cannot speak otherwise
- comes with a variety of lingerie but no other clothing
- has no I. Q.
- is incapable of resistance
- cannot get pregnant (guaranteed!)
- is available with the self-lubricating orifice of the buyer's option, oral, vaginal, or anal.