Stamford Bridge
Stamford Bridge, also known as "Stammy Bridge" or "grumble-mumblemumbleARRR" is an English town located East of York in the East Riding of Yorkshire. It is notable for being the location of the Battle of Stamford Bridge in 1066. Stamford Bridge has a population of 2, although this statistic is based on the Stamford number system detailed below. Local attractions include the Co-op, Merton and York. It is also home to the famous Stamford Future Festival
In popular culture, Stamford Bridge is rarely mentioned, and when it is it is because it is also the name of Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.'s former stadium
History[edit]
Early History[edit]
Stamford Bridge was formed in the late Jurassic period, little is known of this period due to the poor records kept by the dinosaurs. However the Barron of Stamford Bridge Joseph Beaumont claims to be a descendant of the village founder Marc Bolan, who was a T-Rex
"Modern" Stamford[edit]
In 1921 Stamford Bridge mysteriously fell through time and ended up in the year 921, this has caused a number of issues for both locals and not locals including
- Internet rollout is currently at 0.01%. Poor infrastructure means that to load a video from Youtube may take up to 2 moons, although if the river is in full spate streaming is much faster
- Visitors often have difficulty with the numbering system, where the normal decimal system goes 1,2,3,4…etc. the Stamford system goes 1, 2 and finishes there.
- Converting between Pound Sterling and Stamford Shinies can be challenging as the conversion rate depends on the shininess of the coins
- The residents of Stamford Bridge fear the buses
- The Plague
- Illiteracy
Architecture & Buildings[edit]
The largest building in Stamford Bridge belongs to the Barron, and chief pornographer Joseph Beaumont Constructed out of bricks and bits of Merton it stands a mighty 2 high. It is the only building to have Windows
The majority of houses were lost in the void when Stamford Bridge fell through time. These have since been replaced with simple mud dwellings. When the mobile library was attacked and "killed" in 2008 (or 2 in Stamford Bridge) many houses were rebuilt using the books (or "bones") found within, these houses pay a higher rate of tax due to their improved structural properties. Windows are not present in any peasant dwellings by decree of the Barron, however Ubuntu Linux has been fitted in some.
The Church of the Moon and Shiny Things is the second largest building in Stamford Bridge standing at an impressive 1 high, it is made of shiny things.
Education in Stamford Bridge[edit]
Stamford Bridge is home to several top quality educational institutes. Only joking, Stamford Bridge Primary received an "Arrgh" from Ofsted due to the execution of the inspector. His head is now preserved in glitter in the town church. Education beyond the age of 11 in Stamford is reserved for the surviving sons of the village elders. Further Mathematics is the most popular subject with 2 students currently working on problems such as 2+1 and how to prevent the spread of Greg Ashby.
In addition there is a university, however nobody has lived long enough to graduate. It, however, is not believed that it is possible to get a third.
Entertainment in Stamford Bridge[edit]
Dancing bears, badger baiting and fighting Greg Ashby are popular forms of entertainment in Stamford Bridge.
Medicine in Stamford Bridge[edit]
None. Once somebody found some Calpol but Greg drank it. He is now responsible for fighting the diseases that disrupt public life. Answering only to the Barron he is currently fighting the plague with a specially sharpened stick. He has successfully battled with cholera and typhus
Defence[edit]
Following a small localised war with Gate Helmsley the Barron set up the village militia not dissimilar to the Swiss Militia. Every man is armed with a Stamford Army Knife which like its Swiss counterpart has 2 tools including; big blade, that ain't a knife, this is a knife, spork, and a pub.
During the Second World War Stamford Bridge unwittingly became one of the safest locations in the UK. The large nets used by villagers in an attempt to catch the moon prevented aircraft flying over the settlement.
Road Organization and Structure[edit]
There are no roads. Most maps make do with a simple "Here be dragons" notice, although some GPS devices directed HGVs through the settlement for a time this was soon rectified following a number of ritualistic sacrifices
References[edit]
- Ashby, Greg, "I'll punch out your mum if you don't watch your step", Stamford Bridge Advertiser, September 2010, p.6-8
- Zagat Guide, "Ranking the 4 star restaurants in Stamford Bridge"
- Hadrada, Harald, "Green and pleasant land — ha!", Oslo Times travel supplement, May 1966, p.1