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“Marty, we've got to get you back...”
Stormont is Northern Ireland's most famous Boxing arena. Since 1969 it has held some of the biggest fights in Belfast's history such as Ian Paisley versus the Catholic church (Paisley won with knockout using the word ‘no’) and Gerry Adams versus his own beard (Beard disqualified for strangulation).
The building has been empty since 2003 when two-way mirrors were found in the men’s toilets. These were later found to have been used by the IRA. It has been said that the UDA had tried a similar tactic in the women's toilets, however this failed when they found out they were all homosexual.
Building began in 1879, when the Orange Order hired bikini wearing midgets to build ‘The best club house in the Worllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllldddddddddddddddd!!!!’. Like most buildings in Belfast, Stormont is made out of stale bread and dog shit. In 1882 the midgets got tired of being fondled and sodomised by the Orangemen while trying build their clubhouse so they quit. The Orange Order then decided to build it themselves and turned the whole experience into a musical entitled ‘Hard Men Build A Hard House’. In fact the musical has been more successful than the building itself. When Stormont was completed in 1900, the Orange Order placed a notice in the Belfast Telegraph: ‘Fenians aren’t invited to our supercool new clubhouse cause fenians think they’re sooooooooooooo kewl but they’re not.’
Lyrics from ‘Hard Men Build A Hard House’
It’s gonna be a sunny day on Stormont Hill, We’re just some hardy workin’ Orangemen Workin’ up a sweat till we get our fill Then we go home and sleep-with-Ben! Oh! What a sunny day! Gotta catch a sunny day! Never mind the IRA Lets build Stormont to-dayyy! Don’t mind that the midgets left We’re havin’ dinner with the UVF!