The Place Middle-Class White People Call "Home"
|Motto: "My six-figure salary entitles me to bitch."|
|Anthem: "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M.|
|Capital||West Oak Park Field, U.S.A.|
|Largest city||North Oak Park Field, U.S.A.|
|National hero(es)||Dr. Phil, Oprah, Kelly Ripa, Jesus Of Suburbia|
“We are the stories and disciples of the Jesus of Suburbia”
“Yeah, like, this place totally sucks.”
“We're way too rich for cul-de-sacs.”
“Where the hell am I? Why do all these God damn houses look the same? Why the hell did we move out here, anyway? Wait . . . is that? . . . Not another f***ing cul-de-sac!”
Suburbia is a mythical land which, according to most middle-American legends, is filled with fairies, enchantment, and sport utility vehicles. Certain Native American trickster tales suggest that it was founded by Paul Bunyan and June Cleaver as a safe haven from two anthropomorphic, urban-dwelling rats who continually plagued the couple with world domination plots and poorly funded public schools. To save themselves and their future Harvard-bound progeny, Bunyan and Cleaver bought a plot of unspoiled meadowland 40 minutes from the nearest urban center and tore the shit out of it, creating a labyrinthine maze of tan, off-tan, and off-off-tan structures inhabited by Suburbanites, a chai and latte-sipping tribe that feasts on the shattered dreams of urban people and the backward naivete of rural folk.
The adult population of Suburbia includes 556 lawyers, 798 realtors, 1175 soccer moms, 342 plastic surgeons, 55 Eastern European nannies, and 5 Hispanic gardeners (4 Mexican and 1 Honduran). The PMSing housewife and the effeminate male are also indigenous to this region.
According to the latest U.S. Census data, teenagers now make up a disproportionate percentage of Suburbanites. Sociologists began detecting this population shift when they started noticing the overabundance of skate parks, Hollister stores, and My Chemical Romance T-shirts littering the otherwise flawless lawns and boulevards of the Suburban landscape.
Sixty-five percent of Suburban teenagers are named Katie, regardless of their gender, while the remaining 35 percent are named Jacob, Taylor, and Josh. Forty-one percent now classify themselves as emo, thirty-eight percent label themselves as jocks, twenty-five percent are pot heads and nineteen percent are nerds.
Suburbanites tend to dine frequently in public, primarily in quirky, avant-garde eateries like Applebee's T.G.I. Friday's, Ruby Tuesday, and (for the daring nonconformist) Pizza Hut. When at home, they will often mix various cooking traditions, giving traditional American recipes a distinctive Suburban flair. The most common Suburban cooking ingredients are ketchup, brown sugar, and human souls.
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