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Few people know of the swan attack on RMS Titanic just hours before its fateful encounter with an iceberg. While the ship escaped this incident with light superstructure damage and 3 deaths, just imagine what could have happened if it were a full-sized swan.

The swan, pronounced swee-la-mone-e-a-vo-tee-tee-ah, also known as the eagle, (Cygnus sensesiensesius,) is a medium to large-sized predatory waterfowl-type bird creature that lives in moist, squishy swampy land and various moderately damp or wet bogs, fens, and river-ponds throughout the Northern and Southern hemispheres. Unlike many other creatures like doggies, swans are capable of sustained self-propelled flight, a trait they likely picked up by observing the beautiful aeroplanes as they dusted DDT overhead earlier last century. However, flight is exhausting to the rather pudgy but unquestionably beautiful swans, which usually prefer to use their powerful hind limbs to propel themselves rapidly over both land and water in such an agile way that the creature rarely trips and is killed by a swift drop into a pit of sharp pebbles, as so often happens to smaller or lesser evolved bird creatures, like bears and tigers.

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Swan.

Physical Appearance[edit]

The swan is an enormous land mammal looks nothing like a hyena unless you count it's head and has two(?) large, broadly webbed non-furry fluffy feet for standing and multiple wings which at one time would have carried it soaring through the sky but which now are used mainly for digging. It has a beak with none or many sharp teeth and eyes which are often good for seeing but bad for smelling, unlike its nose which although okay at smelling cannot hear so well as its ears which taste poorly compared to it's tongue which is pink. Rarely does a swan weigh over 600 pounds but some swans have been recorded at over 900 pounds and one at 1,500, though 300 is average except for some which are more or less than this. Swans are mainly eggshell white in color but in rare cases may also be either titanium white or cream in color, and sometimes with slightly brown feet stained muddy from walking in mud. The swan does not have any horns but on it's long tail one may find vestigial spines not unlike those of it's ancient ancestor the kangaroo or the cat, which it is not related to but sometimes likes to eat the babies of.


Swans are a prime example of what is known as an "obligate consumer", meaning that the animal has to eat relatively frequently in order to maintain its personal survival, like its distant relatives the ducks and the bats but quite unlike most rocks or non-metallic elements. As such, the animal regularly takes time out of its busy schedule to eat, usually going after small mammals like antelope or more frequently tuatara, which it subdues with a swift stab to the base of the neck with it's powerful wings or a suffocating bite to the hindquarters. When mammalian prey is scarce, swans have been known to turn to alternate prey species, including butterflies, turtles, and even large mud catfishes, which are large catfishes found in the mud. Swans may also take in some green plant matter in the form of vitamin-rich and arsenic-poor algae and moss which it picks from rocks and logs along the waters edge with its powerful, scraping tongue, so rough it can peel a minivan in one gentle lick.

Around human settlements, swans may also be found to enjoy our garbage. This is because they are yucky and have no self respect.


Swans are aggressive, dangerous carnivores and should be treated as such. According to a recent statistic, swans are the third most dangerous land mammal in North America (just behind the Vietnamese tiger frog and the cicada), biting over 450,000 people annually and killing just under 0.000000001% of those which they attack. Swans are also unusually violent amongst themselves, with over 85% of all young swans, known as cygnets, killed by their easily upset parents in the first month of life and all the rest dying sometime afterwards.

Swans are migratory, regularly traveling with the seasons. Usually, swans winter along the coast of Argentina and return in May to spawn as far north as East Texas but occasionally may find themselves as far as West Texas or even North Texas.

Do they like Blue Whales?[edit]

Swans do not like blue whales, probably because they are noisy and stinky. The swans and the blue whales are the stereotypical nemeses, although it is quite a one-sided hatred, with whales feeling quite indifferently about swans. Nevertheless, swans hate whales and coincidentally swans are unique among the animal kingdom in their unusual ability to stab whales repeatedly with their sharp beaks. As a result of this unique adaptation, the swan is believed to be the only animal capable of catching and killing an adult blue whale, a feat regularly repeated during the summer months, with over 400 whales taken annually during peak stabbing times according to most statistics. Usually, a group of swans, usually between 10 and 670 congregate along the beach, most often in early June or July. Each swan at first stands quietly on the shore, in tight formation, and listens, swiveling its beady little head curiously until it hears the plaintive call of the blue whale far out to sea. Once they have pinpointed the whales exact location, they begin to warble enticingly to lure their nemesis in close. Of course, not even the most disciplined of whales can resist the sweet warbling of a swan, which closely mimics their natural mating call, and thus the curious cetacean cruises inland to check it out. Once the whale is within range, the swans break song and dive into the water to give chase. The whale, realizing too late that it has been bamboozled, will panic and try to flee, crying out and howling in terror, but is powerless as the swans leap swiftly upon its head and simultaneously begin to repetitively stab it in the brain. Once the whale is confirmed dead, usually by a gentle prodding with a stick, the swans then disperse, as unlike donkeys, they are not sociable creatures by nature. The whale then floats, bloated and dead, back out to sea, where vicious sea fishes may eat upon it.

Do they like Ocelots?[edit]

Swans have a very difficult history with the ocelot. Although historically the animals were mortal enemies, in the early 1990's a fringe group of swans made peace with their spotted jungle cat counterparts and up until recently the two species were in a sort of unofficial truce, with only minimal baby-eating from either side inflicted upon the other. However, as of June 2012, the ocelots have become increasingly withdrawn as a few nonconformist swans began to eat their cubs once again, and so the current state of affairs is uncertain.

How do they feel about baby rabbits?[edit]

Swans very much like baby rabbits, as they are a good source of protein and due to their undeveloped fine motor skills are easily procured with little energy expenditure, resulting in a maximum caloric gain.

Are swans terrific or terrible pets?[edit]

Swans are generally considered terrific pets, however results may vary. Swans have been known to take small babies from their cribs and eateth them in the nighttime darkness while the parenting peoples are deep in sleep. It is also possible that swans kept either entirely or partially indoors may poo upon the floor and/or furniture or chew up valuables such as necklaces and stereos. Oppositely, swans are ideal for removing excess or unwanted pine cones from dwellings, as these woody seedpods are one of a swans favorite foods. However, do not expect a fancy, or domesticated swan to survive on pine cones alone, as these animals are definite omnivores and also need some ham and beets to really thrive and, if breeding is desired, some honeydew melon as well.

In conclusion[edit]

With a recent lift on the international ban on swan hunting, swan populations have plummeted in the last six hours. Unless we do something, we are in dire danger of losing our beloved avian friend, the.....uh....hmmmm.

I forget what I was talking about. Oh well. Have you heard of the short-eared tree porpoise?