The Burger King

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The 'Burger King strikes fear

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to The Burger King.

The Burger King is a deposed European monarch called Stephen Lowry, Clinja and Shock Victim who has since been reduced to becoming the main mascot for Burger King. He spends his luxury time handing out food to random people, sneaking into people's houses and not changing facial expressions. His sole purpose in life is causing heart attacks to occur. He is the father of Humphrey Bogart.

History[edit]

The Rise to Power[edit]

Luciano Pavarotti, also known as the Burger King, shown here in and out of his work attire.

The Burger King's rise to power can be traced back to a jousting accident his father sustained in 1436, which led him to become unable to exercise in any capacity, become morbidly obese and eventually die. The 'Burger King (then just 'Burger), saw that now was his time to seize power. In 1462 introduced a bill to parliament to "dethrone the beast" as he put it. Henry VIII would have loved to fight this action, but the jousting wound prevented him from exercising any legal power, he could do nothing but watch the rise of the 'Burger King...truly a dark age for the Burger Kingdom had come.

Reign of the Tyrant[edit]

The rule of the 'Burger King was a cold and ugly one. His domination of the food market was brutal at best. Although frequent attempts were made to bust the 'Burger King's monopoly on quick and delicious meals at affordable prices, these rebellions were squashed time and time again in bloody battles. Examples include the simultaneous attempted coups launched by Burger Thing and the Wizard of Fries. The severed heads of the two served both as a sobering message to the would-be heroes of the day, as well as part of an attention-grabbing display outside of a Burger King drive through that decreed that the Whopper combo meal now comes with a free upgrade to large fries. Moves like this ensured that the 'Burger King retained a vice grip on both the rule of his kingdom and the booming food industry. Many clandestine plans were funded under the guise of promotional offers such as the training of an elite corps of guerrilla warriors to tear down the McDonald clan's rising empire. Project: Hamburglar was funded almost entirely off of the profits that the 'Burger King obtained by including toys depicting pop culture icons in their kids meals.

The Irish bastard[edit]

Following the military takeover of Ireland in 1547 (despite its close connections to France), Henry VIII's ruling class made a series of political blunders and, not wishing to oppose the strongly allied McDonald's and Dairy territories, loosened its grip on Ireland, which eventually bred its own harsh ruler, Ronald McDonald. The 'Burger King and Ronald McDonald waged fierce campaigns against one another but did nothing but slash back the power and market share of each empire, allowing room for further tyrants such as the brutish Dairy Queen, the mentally unsound Jack (the knife) Box, and Bowser. War was looming.

The Burger Revolution[edit]

The 'Burger King finally captured Ronald during The Spanish Inquisition. Ronald was condemned as a heretic and sentenced for an eternity in Foster's house for LSD addicts. The 'Burger King ruled until another old enemy, the Duke of Doubt, released Ronald and convinced him that the only way to restore the lost glory of McDonaldland (originally Ireland) was to take over the Burger King Kingdom, where the 'Burger King hid in his personal fortress. Ronald, using his army, and the Duke's (comprised of peasants tired of the 'Burger King's reign of terror) defeated the King's army, crucified the 'Burger King, decapitated him, and deep fried his head, which was consumed by Ronald. His body was dumped in Grant's tomb.

Return of the King[edit]

The 'Burger King's body was discovered by an ad executive in late 2004. He also found the fossilized head of Pythagoras (who, calculating the probability as high that "a King would rise, spreading evil, fast food, and STDs across the world", admired the 'Burger King). He attached the head to the 'Burger King's body. He also gave him a porcelain mask from Hell, summoned to this Earth by Charles Darwin (who wanted to prove the species of animal known as demons existed. He forgot about this, and instead used the unholy powers of the mask to kill Gregor Mendel, mutating his peas into Venus Fly Trap-like creatures. Upon his death, he ordered it placed in Grant's tomb.) The 'Burger King awoke, killed the exec (who knew too much, according to his twisted judgment.) and the Duke of Doubt (who ruled the Kingdom, given to him by Ronald after the war, during the 'Burger King's absence), making them into the first Double Crossan'wich, and took his place on the throne of the BK.

Battle With Elvis[edit]

Upon The BK's resurrection, he commanded his minions to find The One Ring so that he could have Real Ultimate Power. Elvis, having sensed the tyrant's return, bravely fought against The Burger King in what used to be Atlantis. When Elvis managed to get The One Ring, he used its power to defeat the Burger King's army and drive him back to his castle, Burgerkingland. Unfortunately, the King destroyed Atlantis during his retreat. Elvis then gave The One Ring to ninjas, and that's why ninjas have Real Ultimate Power.

The Burger Youth[edit]

In 1X89, The Burger King started a program to secure the future generations under his hairy thumb. He recruted club leaders from every child architype to secure every base. For their head, a media addict was fitted with cybernetic media implants. He was named Kid Vid and was given rigerous physical training, receiving one episode of Power Rangers for every hour on the treadmill, and disciplined with Dr. Strangelove and other classics. The remaining groups (10%) included dog children, papperazzi, harvard dropouts, and kids with jaws. luckily the king was able to find leaders for these remaining groups at a bus stop. Once in power, these club leaders plotted to expand their appointed thrones to a parliment. They explained it was necessary to keep the revolution in check, which ironically was their goal to inflame. J.D. finally snapped and flapped his jaws (in some dog lingo) about a secret vid. Despite his low I.Q., he then wheeled over a boomer real snappy...

 *sacked*

We regret to inform you that the writer of this historical account has been sacked for seven puns a contagious rhyme...

 *sacked*

That shameless cliche is EVEN WOR...

 *sacked*

Fatherhood[edit]

After a while, The King fell into a deep depression. But his luck was about to change. In 2101 world-famous musician and professional Golf player Hulk Hogan released his hit single, "Tiptoe through the tulips". The song had a sensational effect on the king. He began singing it wherever he went. One day, while singing it, he met pennywise, the notorious rapist who dressed up like a clown. The 2 instantly fell in love, and were married. This led to the conception and birth of Humphrey Bogart. No one knows what happened to Pennywise after "Little chuckie's" birth, but rumors say that it is now enjoying a successful career under the alias of Calvin. Acclaimed Film maker Che Guevara has adapted the event into a film, called The Miracle

Current plans[edit]

See you soon

The King (he shortened his name to imply that he is the only king) plans to conquer the Earth using his army of Chicken Demons. He will rape us and then make us all into meat as he watches with his lover, the Subservient Chicken. He started by driving Ronald out of McDonaldland, and to McDonald Island; heading through Africa he stopped to hunt endangered species and spread AIDS and Bird Flu to Africans. The King finally assassinated Ronald in a drive-by shooting in Mister Rogers' 'hood, chronicled in the documentary, "The Last King of Scotland". Without the New Messiah Colonel Sanders (who rose into Heaven alive), we may be doomed. Most noteable accounts say that The Burger King has been trying to put together a small military faction, composed of mostly Burger King staff, led by Mr. T and the Terminator.

Controversy[edit]

Murder Charges[edit]

The 'Burger King was charged and jailed for the murder of MC Donald. The King was released from jail for good behavior but told Zee TV in an interview that he wanted to go back to jail because he enjoyed doing hard time especially in the showers.

In 2004, The Burger King plotted to kill The Joker while he was meeting with Ronald McDonald (who had survived his defeat at the hands of the King earlier), Krusty the Clown, cocoa the clown, Homie the Clown, & Bozo at a swank European joint somewhere in Chicago. Armed with a Shotgun and an AK-47, he busted in the place and started shooting the so-called Clown Mafia to oblivion. He killed Homie the Clown, critically wounded Yucko the Clown, and sort of missed Krusty and Bozo while they made their escape. He spotted what he thought was the Clown Prince of Crime sitting at a table. Shots were fired, but it didn't come from the King. It came from no other than Ronald McDonald who was disguised as The Joker carrying his Uzi. Then another shot came from behind hitting The Burger King in the back. Thought to be the long dead Col.Sanders, it was The Joker who pulled off his biggest prank yet. He planted a bomb on his masked head & the two clowns hastily made their way out of the place before it exploded into a ball of glory. The Burger King's remains were never recovered after the blast, but pieces of his big head were recovered, but DNA was never collected. The King cheated death and this time, he made it his mission to fuck up McDonald's and end the reign of a stupid, child pandering clown once and for all.

"N0T ST4Lking"[edit]

A screenshot of N0T ST4Lking.

The King has been known to be a peeping tom.

Hello!

After a few weeks out, it was discovered that by inputting the exact phrase N0T ST4Lking into the cheats screen on the popular and addicting game The Sims 2 one could unlock a hidden stalking mini-game, with the objective to hide and stalk a random NPC and follow it home. The game is won when the NPC is successfully fleeing from the King while screaming in surprise, fear or confusedness (Bonus points awarded if entire night is spent in bed with the NPC while holding a sandwich). The code was spread online through the GameSpot OT forums by a user known as Missus Wendy. Missus Wendy admitted that she was trying to make the King look bad since the introduction of his popular commercials. The code was still found in every disc distributed by the fast-food chain and the King was awarded no charges as of yet. The sentencing will be determined with the winner of a staring contest. The King is squaring off with the World Champion Starer, a European Sturgeon.