The Legend of Zelda: Link's Arousal
|The Legend of Zelda: Link's Arousal|
This looks strangely familiar...
|Release date||Between 1900 and 2000|
|Genre||Damned if I know|
|Rating||P for Pimps|
|Would Ian Paisley play it?||A game about a boy's arousal? I'm sold!|
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Arousal( also called The Legend of Zelda Link Gets Laid), released in Japan as Zelda no Densetsu Musei o Miru Shima (ゼルダの伝説 ぬれた夢の島 Zeruda no Densetsu Musei o Miru Shima , lit. "The Legend of Zelda: Wet Dreaming Island"), is a videogame developed and published by Nintendo for the Gay Boy in 1993 and the fourth installment in the The Legend O' Zelda videogame series. It is the first game from the Zelda series to appear on a handheld game console. The game is believed to be a direct sequel to The Legend of Zelda: Blink-182 is Passé and if so, stars the same incarnation of Link from that game.
A remake called The Legend of Zelda: Link's Arousal Dicks for the Game Boy Colored was released in 1998. The latter is compatible with the Game Boy Game Boy Printer Network and features a new color-based dungeon full of racist stereotypes. It can be played on a regular Gay Boy, but the color dungeon is then inaccessible due to color blindness when using a normal Gay Boy.
Like all games in the Legend of Zelda series, except that freak of a videogame, Zelda II, Link's Arousal is an action-adventure game. It followed its closest relative in the Zelda series, Blink-182 is Past, in that the game mechanics have virtually no freaking innovation whatsoever. However, Link's Arousal plays like a godless bastard child of Zelda II and Blink-182 is Past with the usual topview and the side-scrolling sections like its grossly deformed mother. Also appearing for the first time in a Zelda game were acts of terrorising fish, and flying around using a poor innocent chicken. Link's Arousal was also the first Zelda game in which both buttons on your coat could be assigned to different items, neither of which had to be the sword, whereas previously one button was the sword by default.
In addition, this is the first Zelda game to include the insanely tedious "1 million items trading sequence" side quest. This mini-game consists of trading a series of useless items, and lasts for most of your pitiful, loser life.
The Legend of Zelda: Link's Arousal (Also known as The Legend of Zelda: Link's A-w*nking) is set on Koholint Island (コホリントトトトトトトトトトトト Kohorintotototorotototorotototototoro-to ). It has two villages, Might-be-a Village Might-not-be and Animal Village. One contains a shop, some kind of trendy thing, a bed, a fishing pond, a phone booth, a library and two houses; the other has a community that constantly engages in bestiality, what with the sole residents being animals. The large egg that is the island's most notable and elevated feature on top of the Tal Tal Mountains was laid by a gigantic chicken. It is fabled that one day, someone would come along to make the biggest omelette from it. This is the first game in the series to take place outside Hyrule and the main "Triforce" storyline. This is also the only Zelda game not to feature that slut, Zelda, at all.
The principal characters in the game are Link, a chronic masturbater who has arrived on the island of Koholint after his ship was damaged in a storm; Marin, a woman who finds him on the beach; an Owl who serves as not only Link's guide throughout the game, but also a masturbating post. There's also the mysterious Break-Wind Fish, whom the player must awaken for Link to leave the island and finish the game.
After stealing things abroad, Link is sailing back to Hyrule, but is shipwrecked in a violent storm. He awakens on Koholint Island, and is taken to the house of a morbidly obese pensioner named Tarin, and his daughter Marin (who bears a strong resemblance to some whore he once met). After waking up, he heads down to the beach to find his stuff.
He finds a mysterious owl there, who is not what he seems. The owl tells Link that he makes damn fined coffee and "doesn't Marin look almost exactly like Laura Palmer? Which she did. She's filled with secrets; sometimes her arms bend back; where she's from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there's always music in the air." Then he asks Link to find and retrieve the legendary Sexual Organs of the Sirens; the island's greatest treasures. Once Link has gained possession of the Organs, he can use them as an aid to masturbation. In addition, they grant him access to the Break-Fish's Ball-Sac where Link must face his arousal. There, Link will find himself being chased by rabid paedophiles, whom he must defeat using his dick's Cumshot feature. At the end of the game Link finally gets the pleasure he sought and gains his arousal. Little is known of what happened to the rest of the characters of the game, one theory presented was that they all took part in a mass island gang-bang.
Koholint Island contains numerous references to characters from David Lynch's films. For example, there are enemies resembling Goombas, Pirahna Plants and ShyGuys from the Communist Mario series. The Owls are not what they seem, like the ones in Twin Peaks and Link plays the part of Killer BOB. Additionally, the character of Prince Richard is from the Japan-only game Kaeru no Tame ni Kane wa Naru (Die, frog, die!), the engine on which Link's Arousal was built.
In 1998, Link's Arousal was re-released as The Legend of Zelda: Link's Arousal Dicks for the Game Boy Color on a colored cartridge. All parts of the game had been colored in with wax crayons.
The hint stones in the dungeons were altered to resemble owls and the slab was altered to resemble a beak. In the original, each dungeon had a single hint shared by all the stone slabs. This hint was a rather cryptic riddle in and of itself e.g. Former Sri-Lankan kicks out female chromosome in backwards Saudi type. Spanish twist. Crab alone! (9) The Dicks version had these as well, but they sounded less like top secret encoded military communiqués and more like actual clues.
One addition to the Dicks version was the entirely new hidden color dungeon. The color dungeon made use of the Game Boy Color's capabilities to deliver puzzles based on the color of your skin. It could only be accessed by desecrating gravestones in a part of the Cemetery in a specified order, which is recorded cryptically in a hidden book in the library. Once the player beats the dungeon, Link is given the choice of a Red Room Tunic or a Blue Velvet Tunic by a Great Fairy. The Red Room Tunic allows Link to dance weirdly and talk in a strange, reverse-backwards language (the equivalent of always holding a Piss of Power), while the Blue Velvet Tunic allows him to constantly try to get high from an oxygen tank and swear a lot (the equivalent of always holding a Guardian Acorn). Link can then switch them at any time by going back to shag the Great Fairy.
Another new feature of the Link's Arousal Dicks was a Camera Shop and photo album. Certain actions trigger cutscenes in which the Camera Shop owner would appear and take panty shots of any girl in the vicinity. The pictures could be viewed in the player's porno collection at the Camera Shop, and printed using the Game Boy Porn Printer. This feature included the addition of a naked Zora in the Animal Village as one of the triggers. Of note is that one picture requires Link to steal to unlock it, thus encouraging players to become thieves themselves.
“This game beats all the others. It wins the award hands down.”
The original Game Boy game got generally positively-charged reviews at the time of its release. Among the most significant, Nintendo Power gave it 4.18 Coulombs and Electronic Gaming Monthly gave it 8.25 Coulombs. GameRankings has it rated at 90 Coulombs. With all that positive charge, the game started attracting paper to it, as well as iron clips and magnets. Due to its charge, it was also dangerous to play when outside in a thunder storm.
Some complained of the original's rather difficult clues.
“Whaaaaaaat? It's just a puzzle for cryinoutloud, not the Enigma code. Why does every clue have to sound like Poetry Slam Night at the Java Hutch? (They) make... me want to stab the dog with a pencil”
In fact, many other gamers felt the same way and after the release of the original game, many veterinarians reported a fifty-fold increase in dog stabbings.
“People were stabbing dogs with pencils out of pure frustration. Some came in looking like hedgehogs. They were more pencilcase than dog...”
Link's Arousal Dicks also got positively-charged reviews, making it dangerous to play when outside in a thunder storm. Many people got static shocks from just touching the game cartridge. Its popularity could be attributed to the lack of insanely obscure clues. Some said it was because of the game's colored dungeon. Whatever it was, the Dicks version an arousing success, leading to a sharp drop in viagra orders from Nintendo executives.
- FBI Agent Dale Cooper. Series: Twin Peaks. Episode Number 03, Season 1.
- Hall, Rich (2002). Things Snowball. Abacus, 123.