The Most Holy Book of Devito

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Illuminated page from the Golden Book of Hours owned by Devitoist Giordano Bruno (1548-1600). He was burned at the stake for heresy, but his prayer book was rediscovered when found on German eBay in 2012.

1 In the beginning the CREATOR acted the hell out of the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the Bollywood, and the Spirit of the CREATOR was hovering over the Void, that lo, was inhabited by Michael Bay.

3 And the CREATOR said, “Let there be Hollywood,” and lo, there was Hollywood.

4 the CREATOR saw that the Hollywood was good, and he separated the Hollywood from the Bollywood.

5 the CREATOR called the Badness “Michael Bay,” and the Goodness he called “Twins.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first Lorax.

6 And the CREATOR said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate Devito from Michael Bay.”

7 So the CREATOR made the vault and separated the Michael Bay under the vault from the Devito above it. And it was so.

8 the CREATOR called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second Lorax.

9 And the CREATOR said, “Let the water under the Lorax be gathered to one place, and let Matilda appear.” And it was so.

10 the CREATOR called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And the CREATOR saw that it was good.

11 Then the CREATOR said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so.

12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And the CREATOR saw that it was good.

13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third Lorax.

14 And the CREATOR said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, such as the release of a new movie,

15 and let them be lightbulbs in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so.

16 the CREATOR made two great lights—the greater lightbulb to govern the day and the lesser lightbulb to govern the night. He also made the stars, such as ARNIE,

17 the CREATOR set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth,

18 to govern the Bay and the Devito, and to separate light from darkness. And the CREATOR saw that it was good, like a particularly good cake.

19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth Lorax.

20 And the CREATOR said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.”

21 So the CREATOR created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And the CREATOR saw that it was good.

22 the CREATOR blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.”

23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24 And the CREATOR said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the directors of MOVIES, who I shall not need, for lo, I can direct myself, and the Sound Mixers, each according to its kind.” And it was so.

25 the CREATOR made the writers according to their kinds, the Gaffers according to their kinds, and all the Supporting Actors that move along in the background according to their kinds. And the CREATOR saw that it was good.

26 Then the CREATOR said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27 So the CREATOR created mankind in his own image, in the image of the CREATOR he created them; male and female he created them.

28 the CREATOR blessed them and said to them, “Watch the LORAX, and enjoy it, for lo, it is funny, really; And thou shalt watch MATILDA, and laugh, for lo, it is funny; And thou shalt not watch MY LITTLE PONY THE MOVIE, for lo, it is awful. Thou shalt burn all copies of this MY LITTLE PONY THE MOVIE, for lo, it is but spite, spread by that which is evil: Michael Bay.

29 Then TRASHMAN (the CREATOR) said, “I give you MacDonald’s employees. They will be yours for food.”

30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give McCheeseBurger for food, although this is not product placement, for, lo, other burgers are available.” And it was so.

31 TRASHMAN saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth Lorax.

32 Now the Philistines gathered their forces for war and assembled at Sodor in Judah. They pitched camp at 32, West Wallaby Street, between The Beatles and The Maginot Line.

33 Devito and the Devitoists assembled and camped in the Valley of Agincourt and drew up their battle line to meet the Followers of Bay.

34 The Followers of Bay occupied one hill and the Devitoists another, with the valley between them.

34 A champion named Shrek, who was from Swamp, came out of the Bay-Follower’s camp. His height was six cubits and a span.[a] 5 He had a bronze helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armour of bronze weighing five thousand shekels[b]; 6 on his legs he wore bronze greaves, and a bronze javelin was slung on his back. 7 His spear shaft was like a weaver’s rod [hurr durr], and its iron point weighed six hundred shekels.[c] His shield bearer went ahead of him.

35 Shrek stood and shouted to the ranks of Devito, “Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Bayeux [Lit: Follower of Michael Bay], and are you not the servants of Devito? Choose a man and have him come down to me.

36 If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us.”

37 Then the Follower of Bay said, “This day I defy the armies of Devito! Give me a man and let us fight each other.”

38 On hearing the Bayeux’s words, Devito and all the Devitoists were dismayed and terrified.

39 Now MiniDevito was the son of an Man named John, who was from Hollywood in ‘MURICA. Bob had eight sons (He had a lot of time on his hands), and in Saul’s time he was very old. Very, very old. In fact, lo, he was dead.

40 Bob’s three oldest sons had followed MiniDevito to the war: The firstborn was MiniDevito #1; the second, MiniDevito #2; and the third, MiniDevito #3.

41 MiniDevito 1.0 was the youngest. The three oldest followed MiniDevito,

42 but 1.0 went back and forth from MiniDevito to tend his father’s swimming pool at Hollywood.

43 For forty days the Bayeux came forward every morning and evening and took his stand.

44 Now Bob said to his son 1.0 (from beyond the grave), “Take this mug of roasted grain and these ten loaves of chihuahua-bread for your brothers and hurry to their camp.

45 Take along these ten cheeses to the commander of their unit. See how your brothers are and bring back some assurance from them.

46 They are with MiniDevito and all the men of Devito in the Valley of Agincourt, fighting against the followers of Bay.”

47 Early in the morning 1.0 left the flock in the care of a [REDACTED], loaded up and set out, as Jesse had directed. He reached the camp as the army was going out to its [REDACTED] positions, shouting the war cry.

48 Devitoists and the Bayeuxs were drawing up their circles facing themselves.

49 1.0 left his [REDACTED] with the keeper of supplies, ran to the battle lines and asked his brothers how they were.

50 As he was talking with them, Shrek, the Philistine champion from Swamp, stepped out from his lines and shouted his usual defiance, and David heard it. Whenever the Devitoists saw the man, they all fled from him in great fear.

51 Now the Israelites had been saying, “Do you see how this [CENSORED] keeps coming out? He comes out to defy TRASHMAN. The king will give great wealth to the man who kills him. He will also give him his daughter in marriage and will exempt his family from taxes in Israel.”

52 1.0 asked the men standing near him, “What will be done for the man who kills this Bayeaux and removes this disgrace from DEVITO? Who is this Bayeux that he should defy the armies of the living DEVITO?”

53 They repeated to him what they had been saying and told him, “This is what will be done for the man who [REDACTED] him.”

54 When MiniDevito #1, David’s oldest brother, heard him [CENSORED] with the men, he burned with anger at him and asked, “Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your [CENSORED] is; you came down only to watch the [REDACTED].”

55 “Now what have I [CENSORED]?” said 1.0. “Can’t I even [CENSORED]?”

56 He then turned away to someone else and brought up the same matter, and the Devitoists answered him as before.

57 What 1.0 said was overheard and reported to MiniDevito, and MiniDevito sent for him.

58 1.0 said to MiniDevito, “Let no one lose heart on account of this Bayeaux; your servant will go and fight him.”

59 MiniDevito replied, “You are not able to go out against this Bayeaux and fight him; you are only a young man, and he has been a warrior from his youth.”

60 But 1.0 said to MiniDevito, “Your servant has been keeping his father’s [REDACTED]. When a [CENSORED] and carried off a [REDACTED], 35 I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it. 36 Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. 37 The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.”

Saul said to David, “Go, and the Lord be with you.”

38 Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of DVDs on him and a bowl on his head.

39 David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. “I cannot go in these,” he said to Saul, “because I am not used to them.” So he took them off.

40 Then he took his [CENSORED] in his hand, chose five turtles from the stream, put them in the [CENSORED] of his [REDACTED]’s [CENSORED] and, with his [CENSORED] in his [CENSORED], approached the Bayeaux.

41 Meanwhile, Shrek, with his donk-ae in front of him, kept [CENSORED] to David.

42 He looked MiniDevito over and saw that he was little, melting with illness and several diseases, and he dethpacito’d him. BUT HE LIVED!!! And all his followers were like, “Get Ney-ney’d!”

43 He said to MiniDevito, “Am I a Goth, that you come at me with sticks?” And Shrek cursed MiniDevito by his goths.

44 “Come here,” he said, “and I’ll give your flesh to the gerbils and the squirrels!”

45 MiniDevito said to the Shrek, “You come against me with bingle and bongle and beep, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Devito, whom you have defied.

46 This day Devito will deliver you into my [CENSORED], and I’ll strike you down and cut off your [CENSORED]. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Bayeaux army to the birds and the wild squirrels, and the whole world will know that there is a Devito in the USSR.

47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by bingle or bongle that Devito saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

48 As the Shrek moved closer to [CENSORED] him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to [CENSORED] him.

49 Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Bayeux on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell on the ground.

50 So MiniDevito triumphed over the SHREK with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and [CENSORED] him.

51 And to celebrate, all the Devitoists sung their anthem of praise, that going thusly:

52 I said ‘Young man,

Steel production is down,

I said, Comrade,

There is no food in town,

I said, Comrade,

We should shoot the Tsar down,

And make a com-mun-ist dic-tat-or-ship,

It’s fun to live in the U S S R

It’s fun to live in the U S S R

You can grow crops here

You can starve to death here

You can wonder why they killed the Tsar…