The Phantom Fetus
“No abortion could stop the mighty Phantom Fetus”
“Listen kid, I've been fighting crime since before you were born. ”
If you thought Baby Jesus was the mightiest of infants, you've got another think coming. Behold, the greatest superhero of all time, The Phantom Fetus! The Phantom Fetus was conceived when an unknown alien planted his radioactive seed in the world's nastiest vagina. Slowly, the space sperm made its way to the uterus of horror. The owner of this uterus is unknown, though Ann Coulter is suspected. The radioactivity not only nullified the effect of the birth control, but it would soon grant the resulting fetus a number of amazing superpowers, as well as the ability to talk and do a very convincing Sean Connery impression.
Gestating in this unforgiving environment the blastocyst, like Tarzan or Mike Tyson, grew into a mighty warrior. After entering the embryonic stage he trained under a Kung fu master that was also in that uterus for undisclosed reasons. He constructed a state of the art training facility called the Danger Womb, to serve as a home base, further hone his skills and perfect using his super powers. After becoming one of the world's foremost experts in urban combat and close quarters fighting he developed semi-formed limbs and decided to reveal himself to the world. Not having a name yet he christened himself The Phantom Fetus, a name that would be know and feared by criminals for the next seven months to come.
Just two weeks into The Phantom Fetus's mother's pregnancy, his powers began to manifest themselves. The Phantom Fetus found himself able to think and move independently. His umbilical cord had nearly unlimited elasticity, allowing him to leave the uterus, swing from the rooftops and perform daring acrobatic feats.
- Umbilical Cord Lasso of Truth - The Phantom Fetus can extend and constrict his umbilical cord, creating a handy lasso, useful for tying up the baddies and swinging from building to building. Men bound by the lasso are forced to tell the truth; as long as the question asked is answerable by a paternity test.
- Fetus Kick - Ever felt an infant kicking his mommy's stomach? It's like that. Times a billion.
- Super Scream - Man oh man can that fetus wail!
- Placenta Shield - When The Phantom Fetus is in danger, his entire body is enveloped in goopy placenta. The only thing that has ever pierced The Phantom Fetus's placenta shield is a clothes hanger.
- Womb tubes - With a mother box, the phantom fetus can instantly travel to any state to collect child support.
The Phantom Fetus can only fight for a limited time before the tremendous energy The Phantom Fetus gets from the uterus is depleted. Once the Color Timer on his chest begins to blink he has only minutes to retreat to the womb or he will never rise again.
No superhero is truly complete without an archnemesis, and The Phantom Fetus is no exception. Master of saline and suction and proud supporter of Planned Parenthood, Dr. Aborto is constantly seeking to destroy The Phantom Fetus with the help of his henchman Edward Wire Hanger Hands and his giant combat droid, RU-486. Dr. Aborto also seeks to destroy all that is good and fetuslike, such as assistant coach Don Zimmer.
The Phantom Fetus is also pursued by The Ectopic Man. This villain displays powers equal to the Phantom Fetus and has attempted to raid the Danger Womb on more than one occasion. He is actually The Phantom Fetuses deformed twin brother who resides in the unexplored regions of the fallopian tubes. The Ectopic Man has also posed as The Phantom Fetus to rob a museum and hijack an commercial jet in order to frame The Phantom Fetus and ruin his good reputation.
Phantom Fetus's mother has had two children before him, Angelica and Angelo. Angelica is a ten-year-old nerdy girl oblivious to pretty much everything despite her intelligence, while Angelo is 8 and hates that his mother is having another baby. Angelo constantly cannives against his unbrn baby brother, even teaming up with Dr. Aborto once. However, Angelo is even stupider than Angela, so he usually fails.
The Phantom Fetus in politics
The Phantom Fetus has tended to be opposed to abortion, of surprise to no one.
- In episode 15 he disguises his identity from the ultrasound technician by donning a pair of black rimmed glasses.
- In episode 29 he uses amniotic fluid to make some purse robbers slip and fall down.
- In episode 67 he narrowly escapes a needle during amniocentesis testing.