The thousand yard stare (also known as blank stare, Pure Being, or being in la la land) is a temporarily debilitating condition which has been found to exist worldwide in human behavior. Its causes are complicated and its history rich, but ultimately it really just has to do with you looking like an idiot.
Research has shown that, in modern days, the stare is most commonly found in workers of 8 AM to 5 PM jobs. Risk of entering into the stare is increased by 53% if cubicles are involved. In fact, right after I wrote that last sentence, I stared into nothingness for about ten minutes.
The first known case of the blank stare is thought to have occurred during mankind's first moments of self-awareness. Since the stare is easily induced by complete and utter confusion, the first cavemen to realize the inevitability of their own deaths entered into an epic, years-long thousand yard stare (known to historians as the Ice Age) before they got their shit together and started living life in light of this new perspective.
Blank stares don't just come out of nowhere. It takes a combination of various high levels of idiocy and boredom to inspire a really magical, unbreakable blank stare. Maybe with practice, you can draw blank stares from others with your insanely retarded (yet carefully calculated) behavior.
Complete and Utter Confusion
When a person tries to look at something that is generally incomprehensible, like THIS or even THIS, a blank stare is sometimes unavoidable. The brain simply does not know what to do, so it gives up. Most often these are in cases of atheists learning religion, Juggalos learning science, and anybody watching Two and a Half Men.
Possessing Sheer Stupidity
A person doesn't necessarily need to see something batshit crazy to experience the blank stare. In fact, all it takes sometimes is to simply be incredibly stupid. This is exactly why dogs seem to be perpetually stuck in a thousand yard stare.
Witnessing Sheer Stupidity
Seriously, just look at some of the dumb shit dogs do. Just yesterday, I watched my dog sniffing around the backyard for a place to do his business. Well, once he did his business, he kept sniffing around. My first thought was whyyy don't you just go all in one sittinggg? Turns out, he had. And apparently this new sniffing session was dedicated to finding my other dog's shit to rub his face in, because that is exactly what he did. Seriously, it was as if it were his mission. He sniffed directly to that crap and just buried his face like a pie-eating contestant. I was promptly paralyzed by the power of the blank stare that had enveloped my face, brought by my dog's act of sheer stupidity.
But the awestruck stare is even more glorious if another human is the one doing the dumb shit. All one must do to test this theory is spend fifteen minutes on YouTube (effect is multiplied if you read the comments sections).
Shame [after a long night of drinking]
You know after you just won your fourth straight beer pong game with your buddy at 3am, and you take that long, crooked walk to the bathroom, and you lock the door, and you just stand in front of the sink for a minute, and you take a good look at yourself in the mirror, and you will yourself to keep it together? That's the shame-induced stare. The shame is definitely increased if this is done in a public toilet.
Boredom is the most common cause of the blank stare. It continues to run rampant, although millions of attempts have been made to end boredom, once and for all. One particularly noble attempt was Super Smash Bros. in 1999, which is probably the closest we've come to permanently eradicating boredom. But, somehow, the blank stare began infiltrating the jaded players whose motor skills had adapted so automatically to the games algorithms, they became able to literally play without thinking. Blah blah blah, I'm bored.
Never before in human history has there been something so thoroughly, superfluously detail-laden with useless information. Wikipedia claims to hold the collective knowledge of humanity. If this is true, it is time to feel sorry for God, because he has to endure every bit of it.
Oh, and Weed
No worries, I'll finish this part laterrr
Appearances in Pop Culture
- The condition manifested itself in meme form on April 26, 2007 on a rule34 thread, as, "what is this i dont even".
- Remember in Harry Potter 5, when Dudley gets pwned by dementors at the beginning?
- In I Heart Huckabees, the two lead characters participate in the practice of hitting each other in the face with a giant rubber ball until all thoughts of identity or superfluous existence are forced from their brains. This friend-induced type of stare is referred to as Pure Being.
- Many a blank stare has been achieved while listening to Pink Floyd.
- See any stoner movie