UnNews:Harvard Study Shows “Loop-Swoop-Pull” Method Of Tying Shoelaces To Be More Effective Than “Rabbit Ears” Method

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation.

Jan 5, 2009 - Cambridge, Massachusetts

Dr. Arthur Brown Esq. shows us a mathmatical equation he calls the "Shoelace Theorem"

• A recent study conducted by well known professors at Harvard shows that the “Loop-Swoop-Pull” method of tying shoelaces is indeed more effective than the “Rabbit Ears” method. Professor of Human Behavioral Science and Shoelace Physics Dr. Arthur Brown Esq. was available for questioning to inform us of the details of this study.
• “For as long as anyone cares to remember, the question has always plagued the society of modern man: Should you teach your children the “Loop-Swoop-Pull” method or the “Rabbit Ears” method? There is no need for further concern, as my colleagues and I have proven the “Rabbit Ears” method to be ineffective and barbaric compared to the far more superior alternative.
• I suppose I will start with explaining the pseudo method of tying shoelaces; the “Rabbit Ears” method. Ha. I suppose I should teach you the alphabet and basic geometric shapes while I am at it? Excuse me while I excrete waste through my mouth. But, I digress… the “Rabbit Ears” method has been accepted as an appropriate way to teach children to tie shoelaces for generations. Is it a coincidence then that approximately half of all murder victims in the last year in the United States used the “Rabbit Ears” method? Besides, with a name like the “Rabbit Ears” method, how can anyone take it seriously? All rabbits are good for is eating, producing scat, and multiplying. Need I say more?
• Now, “Loop-Swoop-Pull”… there is a genius behind this method nobody can possibly appreciate. First, examine the name; “Loop-Swoop-Pull”. So simple! It rolls off the tongue, and it is so easy to remember! Above all, the instructions are right in the damn name! You just Loop, Swoop, and Pull! With rabbit ears, I mean, where are you supposed to go with that???”
• None of the other professors working on the study were available for questioning. Shortly after the interview with Dr. Arthur Brown Esq. the financial board at Harvard University cut off funding to the study for being “silly and not useful to anyone”.