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- 1280 BCE - Egyptians invent punctuation but it would prove to be unpopular until the first grammarnazi schoolteacher is born over two thousand years later. She would correct mistakes on her own birth certificate just after being born.
- 873 BCE - The sport of curling disappears when extreme desertification strikes Egypt.
- 1492 - After becoming extremely confused by oceanic parentheses, Christopher Columbus arrives in The New World, believing it to be China.
- 1566 - French astrologer Nostradamus dies. Didn't see that one coming, did ya Nostradamus?
- 1698 - Thomas Savery patents the first steam engine, designed to mechanically move a horse's legs so as to reduce the amount of effort required to pull a horse-drawn buggy.
- 1755 - The sport of curling is reinvented when brooms are used to hasten the expulsion of Acadians from Canada.
- 1882 - Oscar Wilde reaches the height of his celebrity, arriving to the premiere of his play The Importance of Being Earnest in a luxury stretch horse buggy.
- 1933 - The jig is up after being down for over 40 years.
- 1947 - A weather balloon crashes in the desert near Roswell, New Mexico. The Army covers up the loss of the weather balloon by claiming it was an alien spaceship.
- 1962 - The first Wal-Mart opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas. The primitive version of the store offers only guns, Confederate flags, and bullets.
- 1988 - Scientists discover the last breeding pair of parentheses in the Amazon rainforest (they later find that they were wrong(.
- 1996 - Aliens attack the world, destroying New York, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., everywhere else. Bill Pullman and Will Smith survive.