May 24: Collective Bra Burning Day
- 12,000 BCE - Og the caveman wears a Ramones t-shirt despite having never heard them, making him the world's first poser.
- 10,000 BCE - Blue-eyed bitch is saved by mastodons and or mammoths really who cares it was a terrible movie. oh yeah , there was a sabertooth tiger!!!!1
- 274 BCE - The first step towards capturing a unicorn is taken - finding a virgin. It doesn't take long before a new search is started.
- 137 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, That's My Arc, officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
- 1514 - Fred Astaire announces, "Jesus is a foo'." Angry fans eat records and quickly find that vinyl is addictive.
- 1851 - Oscar Wilde appears on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
- 1851 - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is cancelled.
- 1934 - Ban on oak, termites allergic.
- 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Foos Babaganoush finally finds Stalin's cheese grater.
- 2001 - Snoop Doggy Dog is mysteriously murdered by one of his bitches. "Faw Shizzle," replies rapper R Kelly.
- 2005 - AOL frisbees become popular.
- 2006 - 400th birthday of the pelvic thrust. Show us how it's done!
- 2008 - Due to the hatred of people who watch Grey's Anatomy instead of The Office and Scrubs, James Madison kills every person who watches that show.
- 2010 - The Cleveland Show is a huge success and Family Guy is canceled.
- 2014 - Tom Cruise loses all hope of being a legendary hero and returns to his home world.
- 2460 - Axe deodorant officially banned from the United States, the first good decision ever made by a president.