Vaseline
“An ounce of Vaseline equals countless possibilities”
History[edit]
Discovered by the early Jewishes, Vaseline was originally used as a condiment. It was later used for lots of other things such as suffocating ticks and greasing up things on your body for lubrication purposes. This is what made Vaseline so popular. It is now used almost solely for teh buttsecks.
Taming your Convenience-size Tube[edit]
While Vaseline was designed and bred primarily for the club kid on the go, it is the ultimate anus moisturizer. The docile white petroleum jelly crouches in doorways listening to your mother wrapping Christmas presents, oozes out of unfriendly orifices, and prevents diaper rash. When you do find this shy, dermatologist recommended creature in a home or office setting, do not tap on the glass. Although it won't clog your pores if you do, it may latch onto your face in a hungry rage and become increasingly difficult to remove the more you attempt to wipe it off. In matters of taming the slick Vaseline creature, never apply too much and always assure it that it is, indeed, hypoallergenic.
A typical 50g tube is likely to bring you better luck in matters of the heart. Simply use 1, 2 or 3 fingers and scoop up a little dab of vaseline and apply to whatever you want to by gently but firmly rubbing it in. Over a period of 3 minutes after rubbing, it will begin squeaking and this is the way you know you have properly moisturized something. Keep rubbing until it stopps squeaking and you will have to start all over. You may have to really lay into it, but Vaseline will do the trick every time.
Misconceptions[edit]
Vaseline must NOT be used for:
- Home mortgage refinancing
- A main ingredient in lava lamps
- A dip for Chicken McNuggets