24 Hour Breakfast War

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IHOP sold rabbit flavored pancakes during the conflict in an effort to win the hearts, minds, and stomachs of wavering American carnivores.

The 24 Hour Breakfast War involved two multinational organizations, the International House of Pancakes (IHOP) and the Waffle House. Despite its name, it dragged on from 1924 through 1931.

Aftermath of World War I[edit]

After World War I, the war-weary world was ready to enjoy perpetual peace. After all, U.S. President Woodrow "Woody" Guthrie had called it "the War to End All Wars." He founded the IHOP to accomplish this goal. He believed it could resolve international conflicts peacefully, as well as serve great breakfasts. However, the U.S. Senate feared that the organization would compromise national soveregnity and refused to ratify the IHOP charter. (This was long before the Senate latched onto doing the job itself to pander to interest groups.) The Senate, also tired of war, formed its own organization for world peace, the World Alliance For Freedom, Liberty, Etcetera (Waffle) House.

The world takes sides[edit]

The nations of Europe were the first to join the IHOP, along with all of their colonies, protectorates, mandates, realms, dominions, and secret tree forts. This left the United States, along with Latin American countries from Peru to El Humidor, unaligned with the IHOP. These countries joined the Waffle House.

Two powerful blocs dedicated to world peace now stood against each other. Suspicious of each other's motives, each side began preparing for an attack by the other. The irony of two organizations dedicated to peace but preparing for war was lost on the public, whose attention quickly turned to flappers, flagpole dancing, and phone book swallowing during the 1920s. In the 1930s, after Lord Throckmorton Smoot-Hawley changed the subject from a war to end all wars to a law to end all business, the public's preoccupations changed again, to waiting in line for food and being depressed.

Canadian omelette crisis and zeppelin arms race[edit]

In 1922, IHOP deployed omelettes into Canada as a preparation for attack by the Waffle House. The IHOP stated that it had intelligence suggesting that the US and Mexico were developing a powerful new breakfast burrito, and in fact, the Waffle House had already put omelettes of its own into China and Ethiopia. The crisis continued to build until the Cholesterol Reduction Summit of 1926.

The limits agreed on by both parties at the Cholesterol Reduction Summit did not affect short-range weaponry. Any sort of breakfast or weapon could be delivered by zeppelin. Each side quickly took to building as many zeppelins as possible. However, buildup of zeppelins on both sides caused the strange goings-on in Germany and Japan to go unnoticed, an oversight that would lead to World War II.

Breakfast peace conference[edit]

When it was over, both the IHOP and Waffle House held the Breakfast Peace Conference in 1947, ending the 24 Hour Breakfast War. IHOP would handle all issues dealing with international law and syrup, while humanitarian aid and hash browns would be the responsibility of Waffle House. The nascent United Nations was left with insignificant issues such as transforming the world's cultures, papering over human-rights abuses, and inventing theories to justify centralized world government.

But again, this masterpiece of international diplomacy failed to anticipate new threats, such as McDonald's, that would go on to proliferate new generations of dangerous breakfast armaments.

See Also[edit]