Aesop's Fables

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Aesop's Fables are a collection of moral tales by Aesop, who is some old, dead, Greek guy.

These fables use interesting stories, which feature English-speaking animals as the character base, to get across a moral. They were written to be relevant and meaningful to children who could relate to the various stereotypes the animals symbolized. Aesop wrote his stories in this manner because he was inarticulate and couldn't just get to the point. I had a collection of fables when I was younger, and you know what it taught me? Not a goddamn thing!

Some of Aesop's Fables

The Tortoise and the Hare

A tortoise and a hare agreed to race. The hare took off at a tremendous pace, but lay down to sleep on the way. The slow but steady tortoise thus emerged victorious.

Moral: Tortoises frequently carry rohypnol. Never leave your drink unattended when tortoises are about.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

A woman clasps a photo of the Grasshopper.

All through the summer, the busy ant collected grain for the winter. Meanwhile, the feckless grasshopper did nothing but sing and dance. When winter came, the ant retired to his hole to install storm windows and reorganise his mortgage payments. The grasshopper had died a month earlier when he crashed his Harley into an oncoming semi-trailer during a two week bourbon and cocaine binge. Teenagers still kept pictures of the grasshopper on their walls, years after the ant had died of complications arising from surgery to remove a kidney stone.

Moral: Live fast and die young.

The Boy who Cried Wolf

Once, there was a boy whose job it was to guard the village sheep. Unfortunately, he got a little too 'attached' to one of his charges, if you know what I mean. After the Humane Society reported him to the authorities, the cops came to arrest him. Cunningly, the boy cried 'WOLF!' very loudly, and then escaped in the ensuing panic.

Moral: Always have a contingency plan; you don't want to go to prison as a sheep molester, for God's sake.

The Fox and the Grapes

Grape-pusher: This one wanted grapes.

Once a fox saw some black grapes hanging from a vine. He tried every means at his disposal to get to them, but he could not. 'The grapes are sour' he declared, and stomped off indignantly. About a day later, the grape withdrawals really started to take hold, and so ended up having to fellate a grape-pusher in Athens.

Moral: Where are my goddamn grapes! Don't hold out on me, man!

The Scorpion and the Frog

One day a scorpion came to the bank of the river. Unable to cross, he asked a frog for a lift. The frog agreed. Four hours later, the frog deposited the scorpion on the bank.

'Did we have to go via those rapids?' asked the scorpion. 'Wouldn't it have been quicker just to go straight across?'

'Nah, mate, this was a shortcut,' replied the frog. 'That'll be $67.50.'

Moral: Cabbies are bastards

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

Story unavailable at present time due to impending court case concerning blatant copyright infringement.

Moral: Cheaters never prosper

The Town Mouse and the Country Mouse

A town mouse came to see his cousin in the country, and dined at his house. The country mouse spent the evening angrily denouncing the teaching of evolution in public schools. A month later, the country mouse went to the city to return the visit, and was brutally mugged at an ATM. It was six months before he could leave the hospital.

Moral: There's many a mickle as makes a muckle.

The Lion and the Mouse

Protect yourselves from lawsuits, kids, or this could happen to you.

Once a lion was awakened from his sleep by a mouse. The lion raised his paw to crush the mouse, but the mouse begged for mercy. 'If you let me live,' he said, 'I will one day repay your kindness.' The lion scoffed at the idea that a humble mouse could ever help a mighty lion, but nonetheless he let the mouse go. The mouse promptly sued the lion for an estimated five hundred thousand dollars, citing assault and mental anguish. The lion took to the bottle, and died a penniless wino.

Moral: No good deed ever goes unpunished.

The Crow and the Pitcher

Once a thirsty crow landed on the table of a beer garden. He noticed that on the table was a pitcher half filled with cheap American beer. The crow tried and tried to dip its head into the pitcher to get the "beer", but was unsuccessful. He noticed pebbles lying on the pat, and one by one he carried them to the pitcher and dropped them in. Slowly, the level of the beer began to rise, until, at last, the crow could drink. Unfortunately, he drank so much that he became intoxicated and flew into the windshield of an oncoming bus.

Moral: Crows like cheap beer

no... wait...

Moral: Crows like their drinks "on the rocks"

The Dog and the Hare

Fine Ales. Hot Food and a Selection of Sandwiches. Two Meals for the Price of One. Free Parking. Turn off at junction 12 then turn right past the first set of traffic lights, then turn right again at the church and we're on the the left opposite IKEA.

Moral: Book now to avoid disappointment.

The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Once a wolf decided to get closer to the flock, so he disguised himself as a sheep. He walked amongst the flock, deceiving sheep and shepherd alike. That night, as he was about to devour one of the sheep, he was repeatedly sexually molested by the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Moral: Even the cleverest of schemes can be ruined by a running gag.

The Bull and the Frogs

Once there were a couple of frogs standing next to a bull. One of the frogs said to the other: "I bet you can't inflate yourself to become as big as this bull". The frog felt offended and went to see her psychoanalyst. The next day she returned and answered: "No, I can't become as big as the bull but I'm OK with that".

Then the bull trampled on both frogs.

Moral: Bulls don't give a shit about frogs.

The Tree and the Reed

"Well, little one," said a Tree to a Reed that was growing at its foot, "why do you not plant your feet deeply in the ground, and raise your head boldly in the air as I do?"

"I am contented with my lot," said the Reed. "I may not be so grand, but I think I am safer."

"OMG n00b." said the tree. Then a Mexican landscaper came and weed-whacked the reed. "¡Adios Señor Flexibilidad!"

Moral: You're in America now. Speak English.

The Horse and the Bartender

A horse walked into a bar, so the bartender said 'Why the long face?' The horse replied, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Moral: Don't mix liquor and beer.

The Two Men in the Round Room

One day a man, thinking himself clever, decided to trick another man. He invited him to a completely round room, and asked him to pee in the corner after he left. A few minutes later when he returned, he found the man had peed all over the walls, the floor, the furniture, and the ceiling. When he asked him what the hell he was doing, he stabbed him, hid his body in the round basement, and fled.

Moral: If you have any information that can help lead to the capture of this man, please call 1-800-AmericasMostWanted

The Hawk, the Kite, and the Pigeons

The pigeons, terrified by the appearance of a Kite (Bird Of Prey with Large Nasty Talons), called upon the HMO Hawk to insure them. He immediately ran a background check on the pigeons and agreed to insure them for a flat rate of $250(US) a month. When they let him into their shelter for a final inspection, they found that he made more havoc and slew more pigeons in one day than the Kite could pounce upon in a whole year.

Moral: Only acquire insurance from a reputable agent. Trust Life. Trust Geico.

The Nurse and the Wolf

The Wolf, still smarting from his encounter with the Boy who cried Wolf, ran to the nearest hospital whereupon he was tended to by an attractive Nurse wearing a PVC outfit with a low neckline. The Wolf's eyes turned to love-hearts on stalks and his tongue rolled out across the floor. The Nurse turned into a Bunny and gave the Wolf a stick of dynamite. The Wolf's fur was blown off in the explosion.

Moral: Parvovirus is devastating wild wolf populations.

The Tax Collector and the Pharisee

The Tax Collector, always eager to collect taxes and such, was hard at work stealing money from the poor. The Pharisee, on the other hand, was content to remain an uprtight self-righteous prick. Eventually, they both died, although the Tax Collector had more money at the time.

Moral: Not everything has a moral, moron

The Greek, the Macedonian and the Persian

A Greek, a Macedonian and a Persian decided to rob the Ephesus Central Bank together. They succeeded and ran away with some 5,000,000 drachmas. The Civilian Guard, however, was soon after them. The three robbers decided to hide in trees. Each climbed up a separate tree. The Civilian Guard was soon under the trees, wondering if there was something up there. The Greek had done some fast thinking and said 'tweet'. "Ah, it's just a sparrow" said one of the guards. The Macedonian then said 'cuckoo, cuckoo'. "Ah, it's just a cuckoo" said the guards. After this, the Persian shouted: "Moo!"

Moral: Aesop was a bit of a racist.

The Ass, The Cock, and The Bitch

Once upon a time, there was this guy who was an ass. He also was a bitch. And a cock.

Moral: After writing this fable, Aesop realized that he was the ass/cock/bitch that he had talked about in his story. He promptly took out a gun and shot himself.

The Fable Above

Once upon a time, there was an author who was uninspired. The author wanted to take part in the clever genius of his peers in writing short stories with ironic and humorous morals. In the end though, he fell short due to the fact the author was just imitating their peers rather than developing inner creativity. LOLZZz AM I RIT7E GUYZ?!?!?!

Moral: Please read the Beginner's Guide, and please be funny and not just stupid.

The Grasshopper and the Octopus

All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then the winter came and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all of his acorns. And also, he got a race-car.

Moral: Don't bother being original. Just rip off Futurama.

The Two Muffins

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin said, "Boy it's hot in here." The other muffin said, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

Moral: Dude - you need to lay off the brownies.

The Fox and Apollo... and Mercury

A crow caught in a snare prayed to Apollo to release him, making a vow to offer some frankincense at his shrine. But when rescued from his danger, he spaced on his promise. Shortly afterwards, again caught in a snare, he passed by Apollo and made the same promise to offer frankincense to Mercury. Mercury soon appeared and said to him, "O thou most base fellow? What use could one such as I have for stupid frankincense?"

"Dude," replied the fox, "I've got a great source for weed - only $6 a G!"

"Deal." answered Mercury.

Moral: Frankincense is a f-ing lame gift.

The Fox and the Crow

A crow had a cheese in the beak. Meanwhile, a fox appeared and thought the cheese was very yummy, but he couldn't reach it, so he played a dirty trick.

"Oh, magnificient bird, you look so pretty. And your flight's so gorgeous! Could you come over here please?"

The crow then landed, "pretty" as he was. But then the fox stole the cheese and ate it. The crow was now very sad

Moral: Fox is not a reliable source of information.

The Hare, the Duck and the Hunter

A hunter was out looking for his nightly meal. He was very, very quiet and soon had both a Hare and a Duck cornered. He was unsure of which to take for his stew pot at home.

The Hare told the hunter it was duck season. The Duck maintained it was rabbit season. The Hunter found himself in quite a quandry.

Meanwhile, a sneaky, slant-eyed Jap with buck-teeth began wringing his hands together and laughing evilly. The Hunter, Hare and Duck put aside their differences and united against their common enemy. Through cleverness, strength and good old-fashioned American know-how, they poked the Jap in the butt with a bayonet.

Moral: Buy War Bonds.

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