Anastasius I

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Lickable in two flavours. At least in Albania.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Anastasius I.

Emperor Anastasius I is one of the few Roman emperors you can lick in a public place. He is considered to be one of Albania's greatest people by dint of being born in Durazzo and was given his own stamp in commemoration. He actually appeared in a set of stamps issued in Albania that also claimed other Roman emperors from in and around that time period including Claudius II, Diocletian and Constantine the Great. Perhaps you have heard of Constantine, the others may be not so and especially Anastasius. Yet remarkably this non-soldier boy emperor successfully ruled in Constantinople from 491 to 518 and managed to die peacefully in his pajamas.

Early Years[edit]

Anastasius was born in about 430. He had family connections back to Emperor Constantius I (Constantine the Great's dad) and like David Bowie, Anastasius he had two eyes of different colours. This gave him the additional name of 'Dicorus' or Black and Blue. Whether Anastasius could sing or compose songs like Bowie isn't recorded (shame!) but he may have had a good set of lungs. One of his earliest interests was to join the church and become a bishop so that would have involved a lot of singing. Anastasius retained a keen interest in amateur theology, he was fully conversant in the arguments aired at various church councils and knew the real differences between Trinity, Bigamy and Adultery.

At some stage Anastasius made his way to Constantinople where he got a job in the imperial bureaucracy. There Anastasius buried himself deep in papyrus, parchment and a lot of squid ink to create unnecessary paperwork. He seems to have been good at it and steadily rose to the top civil servant role. Anastasius never married and was accused of being a eunuch, though this was easily refuted if he pulled aside his tunic and dropped his pants.


Anastasius: One of the biggest Roman conks since Theodosius the Great.

In 488, with his knees going, Anastasius applied for the job of Bishop of Antioch. This seemed a natural retirement home for a dedicated if dull civil servant but at the last minute he was beaten to the post by a wealthier set of money bags. Disappointed, Anastasius marked off the days of his official pensioning off and planned to write a book about Jesus. His research connected him to the super pious Empress Ariadne, wife of Emperor Zeno. Plump but with an imperial bearing (Ariadne was after all the daughter of Emperor Leo I), the couple struck up a friendship. Ariadne however was considering her future too. Her husband was planning to hand over the throne to his brother Longinus which would have likely resulted in her exile to a nunnery. Ariadne may have been religious but she liked sleeping in comfy beds, rather than basic amenities offered by self-flagellating House of God.

In April 491 (whilst Longinus was out of the capital), Emperor Zeno died. Empress Ariadne summoned all the resident Roman senators to the imperial palace to announce who was the next Purple One. Expecting to hear Longinus was the chosen one on the throne, Ariadne surprised them all by announcing that Anastasius was the selected successor of her late husband. Longinus wasn't there because he couldn't make it, he had been 'banished by Zeno', a lie but a necessary one for Ariadne to make. The senators supported the official announcement. Anastasius was emperor.

Marriage and Rebellion[edit]

Anastasius: Unheroic military man.

A month after he became emperor Anastasius married the Official Widow Ariadne. In her youth she had produced a son who was the short lived emperor Leo II but there had been no more children with her late husband. It's unlikely she was keen to become a mother again when pushing 40 and Anastasius had shown no previous inclination about starting a family either.

Longinus meantime was stirring up a stink as regards being left out of the imperial succession. His native born Isaurians again rebelled against the authority of the Eastern Roman Empire. Longinus himself was somewhat easily defeated by the civilian Anastasius who - for the first time in his life - buckled on armour and led his troops to victory. Longinus was captured and banished to a monastery to contemplate the folly of life or something. In any case he disappears from the scene, though the Isaurians carried on being revolting in their home territories for the next seven years.

Whilst this was going on, Anastasius received a hot footed messenger from Italy supplying news that the Ostrogoth Theodoric the Great had killed his rival Odoacer at a raucous dinner party in Ravenna. Anastasius had been long familiar with the situation there. Odoacer was after all the barbarian who had pulled the life support cable from the Western Roman Empire in 476. So he was no loss to the Eastern Roman Empire. However, Theodoric was evidently his own man but had agreed that at least Italy (and a large chunk of the Balkans) were once again within the Roman or Byzantine[1] orbit once again.

The Nature of Jesus[edit]

With the frontiers reasonably settled and no interest in starting wars elsewhere, Anastasius returned to his first love - theology. The Christian world had long been prone to schisms, heresy hunts and personal attacks as regards hygiene ever since they displaced the old pagan religions. The fifth century had already seen the emergence of the Nestorians and the Monophysites Christian sects[2] over the issue that Jesus was able to compartmentalise his 'divine' and 'human' natures whilst walking around Judea or had only one nature that showed aspects of both 'God' and 'Man'. In the middle were the Catholics and Orthodox who maintained they were the true understanders of what this business was all about. Others just preferred to lie down in a darkened room.

Anastasius was more of a 'moderate' Monophysite in his personal beliefs and tried to influence the debate by nominating his mates for various posts. The Papacy in Rome who had previously ostracised Emperor Zeno for his unorthodox views decided Anastasius was no better and cut him out of their Easter card mailing list. There followed the usual 'You're Going to hell' from both sides of holy men. Empress Ariadne eventually persuaded Anastasius to leave off theology and take up singing again. The schism between Constantinople and Rome remained unhealed but no one was burning the other so that was progress of a kind.

Revolt at Home[edit]

The last Areobinder

For over 20 years Anastasius had been unchallenged in his position. There had been a war with the Persians over a dispute between to empires when the River Tigris had flooded and had washed away the demarcated border. This war had dragged on for four years until Anastasius brown enveloped a heavy bribe to the Persian Shah Kavad to piss off and go back to his capital at Ctesiphon. No great heroic battles in this war but one distinguished Roman aristocrat called Areobindus - the last Areobinder - had burnished his military credentials in this conflict. He also happened to have a reasonable claim to become the next emperor via his marriage to party hostess Anicia Juliana who was the daughter of Western Roman Emperor Olybrius and grand daughter of that great cowardly failure Valentinian III.

In 512 there was a rebellion in Constantinople by supporters of the Blues against the Greens after a particular dirty chariot race in the Hippodrome. Since the Blues were supporters of the Chalcedonian [3] and the Greens known to favour the Monophysites, the inter mob violence turned political. The Blues demanded the 'old man' step down (Anastasius was now over 80) and someone younger take over. They proclaimed Areobindus (a slightly less youthful 72) as emperor and went off to find him. Areobindus had no interest in this offered position and hid in a closet whilst the Blues searched for him. By then (and without a leader), the rebellion burnt out. Other emperors would have had Areobindus strung up just for inadvertently lending their name to a revolt but Anastasius was content to let the matter rest. Areobindus came back out of the closet and his wife Anicia carried on holding her exclusive soirees.


The old emperor kept everyone guessing who he was going to appoint as his successor. Empress Ariadne died in 516 so she no longer had any say but that still left a large field of eligible candidates. These included Anastasius's younger brother Paulus who was also well into his 80s and the extensive family linked to Anicia. In the end when Anastasius died[4] in September 518, the various contenders for the throne had to go to a job interview. The winner was Justin, a barely literate soldier who commanded the emperor's personal guard. Justin was hardly a new start: He was nearly 70 himself. One old wrinkly had been replaced with another.


  1. Historians tend to describe the Eastern Roman Empire 'Byzantine' after the fall of the Western Roman Empire. The 'Byzantines' only ever saw themselves as 'Romans'.
  2. One man's sect is another's true church.
  3. Catholic and Orthodox religious position on the nature of Christ.
  4. Aged about 88!
Preceded by:
Byzantine Emperor
Succeeded by:
Justin I