Anderson Cooper

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Anderson Hays Cooper is an anchor for CNN. He is the most fair, balanced, and objective reporter on television. He is even more fair and balanced than, say, Sean Hannity, who is not as fair and balanced as Anderson Cooper on the basis that he claims himself to be the most fair and balanced anchor on television which makes him inherently not fair and balanced. But that's okay, because nobody watches Sean Hannity's bullshit program on Fox anyways.

Early life

Anderson Cooper was born with silver hair, unlike Wolf Blitzer who had to get all old and smelly. Some have likened him to Sephiroth in this respect. I prefer to liken Sephiroth to Anderson Cooper. Cooper was born and raised in West Philadelphia, spending most of his days on the playgrounds. He cites one of his more prevalent hobbies as a youth being playing basketball outside of school. Unfortunately, one day while playing basketball, a group of two men sought trouble. In other words, they were up to no good, so they began to start trouble in his neighborhood. He got into one minor fight, where upon his mother became scared, so he moved with his "Aunty" (which he called his aunt in childhood) and uncle in Belair, California.

Cooper was also born sexy. As a baby, he was photographed by Diane Arbus for Harper's Bazaar. At the age of three, Cooper was a guest on The Tonight Show on September 17, 1970, appearing with his mother. From age 10 to 13, Cooper modeled with Ford Models for Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein and Macy's.

He also went to Yale, proving that he was more than just a pretty face, strong masculine hands, a nice body, a beautiful smile, and a well-endowed God of lust. While attending Yale he did an intership with the CIA. He quickly rescinded his thoughts on joining the CIA because everyone he encountered in the CIA was not as beautiful and intelligent as he was. He decided to go into journalism.

Journalistic career

In 1995, Cooper became a correspondent for ABC News, eventually rising to the position of co-anchor on its overnight World News Now program on September 21, 1999. In 2000, he switched career paths, taking a job as the host of ABC's reality show The Mole. Cooper was also a fill-in co-host for Regis Philbin for the TV talk show Live with Regis and Kelly in 2007 when Philbin underwent triple-bypass heart surgery. ABC thought that Cooper did such a great job of hosting the show that they offered to give the show over to Cooper, extend the program to four hours, and fire Philbin. Kelly was ecstatic at this. Cooper, being too considerate, declined the offer and decided to stick with CNN.

His first position at CNN was to anchor alongside Paula Zahn on American Morning. Fearing that Paula Zahn would not be able to control her desires to sleep with Anderson, CNN made him their weekend prime-time anchor in 2002. Since 2002, he has hosted CNN's New Year's Eve special from Times Square. On September 8, 2003, he was made anchor of his own show, Anderson Cooper 360°. His show is amazing, but only because it is hosted by him. If Anderson Cooper 360° was hosted by somebody else, it wouldn't be very amazing at all. It also wouldn't make much sense. The days in which his anchor seat is filled by somebody else are the days I can't make it out of bed or be bothered to see the sunlight.

Things I know about his personal life from stalking his Twitter page

Anderson Cooper is quite the humanitarian. When the earthquake hit Haiti, Cooper's only tweet for the day was " :'( ". I can also confirm that he is not gay, despite my own wishful thinking and those silly tabloid rumors. I have confirmed this through a tweet he made in August of 2009, which read: "I am not a gay. So plz, leave me and my BF alone." His heterosexuality is also confirmed through the fact that he has slept with twice as many women as Wilt Chamberlain, whom Cooper did a report on in 2008 which discovered that Wilt Chamberlain was actually gay and had never slept with any women.

He currently lives in a $3.14 million dollar home in Westhampton Beach on Long Island. The security code to open his front gate is also part of his social security number, which I've been court ordered to not post on the internet anymore. In early 2010, Cooper bought a firehouse for $4.3 million in Greenwich Village. I can vouch for the fact that he never goes there, as I slept outside of it for two months in a tent until the police came.


  • 2005 National Headliners Award for his tsunami coverage in Sri Lanka.
  • An Emmy Award for his contribution to ABC's coverage of Princess Diana's funeral and another in 2006 for Outstanding Live Coverage of a Breaking News Story - Long Form for his report on the famine in Niger. A subsequent Nobel Peace Prize for ending the famine in Niger.
  • Silver Plaque from the Chicago International Film Festival for his report from Sarajevo on the Bosnian civil war, which he brought to an end with his knack for diplomacy.
  • Bronze Telly for his coverage of famine in Somalia. Another Nobel Peace Prize for ending it.
  • 2001 GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding TV Journalism for "High School Hero," his 20/20 Downtown report on high school athlete Corey Johnson.
  • A 2003 Pulitzer Prize for his autobiographical documentary titled I Herd U Lyke Fair and Balanced Reporting.
  • Cooper was also nominated for the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize and would have won it if he hadn't dropped out of the nomination, allowing a less-influential person and outright talentless nobody to win instead.
  • Curing fingernail cancer with Sanjay Gupta.
  • Being Time Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2007, 2008, and 2009.
  • Is the only person to have been a centerfold in Playboy, Playgirl, and Car Collectors' Weekly magazines.

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