Animal Kingdom
Animalia Animal Kingdom | |
|---|---|
| Motto: "Survival of the " | |
 Areas of the World not inhabited by animals are marked in blue. | |
| Government | Feline Monarchy |
| ‑ The Lion King | Simba |
| Population | Trillions |
| Ethnic groups | Two legs, Three-legs, Four legs, More legs |
The Animal Kingdom, sometimes refered to as the Animal Empire, is one of the largest Kingdoms the World has ever seen. Spanning vast areas of the world with lifeforms that contain cell nuclei, do not photosynthesise and seem to need to take a shit every four hours. The origins of the animal kingdom date back to the 6th million century BC in a place known as Animal Farm. It was here that the animals first overtook the oppressing Plant Kingdom and secured their own kingdom.
The Animal Kingdom is extremely diverse in both history and culture. It contains a wide variety of species ranging from large reptillian creatures such as the Loch Ness Monster to obscure varieties of primates such as the Yetti.
There are over 7000 languages in the Animal Kingdom with 99% of them being spoken by Homo Sapiens and the rest by Dolphinus and other Mammalia.
Politics[edit]
Head of state[edit]
The lion is the reigning monarch of the Animal Kingdom. He bases his capital in Nairobi, Kenya, where he lives with his thirty wives (or Queens). (The other ten wives live not in Queens but in the Bronx with their mothers, who never did care for him despite his steady work.)
The lion has little control over the Animal Kingdom. This empire is so difficult to manage that equally unmanageable legislatures are often referred to as a "herd of cats," although the one in Taiwan, R.O.C. is called a Pit of Vipers, as though snakes could put up their dukes.
The lion's rule is therefore referred to as "constitutionally bound," and in fact, the only time anything gets resolved in the Animal Kingdom is when the lion is out on a constitutional. During these times, loyal bodyguards, known as hippies, travel with him, collecting money for the kingdom by claiming that the lion is an endangered species and warding off attempts on the lion's life by hired assasins called poachers.
Government Type[edit]
The government type changes for different parts of the Animal Kingdom. As a general rule animals change and promote competition towards each other in a process known as Evolution. They also advertise to other animals of the same sex to produce offspring and keep their family business going. Therefore the Animal Kingdom generally runs on Free-Market Capitalism and complete anarchy. There are some exceptions such as ants which run a Communist community for the good of the work force and have a one-party constituency which only the Labour Party stand for.
History[edit]
Multicellular organisms[edit]
Strictly speaking, the Animal Kingdom took shape when the first organism became multi-cellular. This pioneer was initially not convinced of the efficacy of carrying more than one cell phone, but the deciding factor was the ability to avoid using his work phone to discuss illicit liaisons in the evening. (In 2015, Hillary Clinton would claim that she could not operate multiple cell phones and this is why she ran the U.S. Department of State out of her basement, but this story was given the lie, by herself, when she told Oprah Winfrey she had five gadgets. As this issue was resolved, the only obstacle to her election to rule the Animal Kingdom was cellulite.)
Mobility[edit]
Much later, a multi-cellular life form became bored by his inability to move around and eat things. He thus proposed (to God) the concept of legs. Many good people make do with two of them (three on the Isle of Man due to inbreeding) but this pioneer was greedy and set forth a design using four.
God gives his buy-in[edit]
God and his board of inquiry (or "angelic herd") approved of the changes to the evolutionary plan and created the first animal. The first animal created was the most basic form of animal, otherwise known as a cow, named Elsie. It had four legs, a head, a body, a tail, and something to get milk from; and served as the archetype for all animals. The rest of the animals followed soon after, in little over 100 million years. Together, they proclaimed themselves a kindgom.
What happened next[edit]
In the 4,560,000th Century BC, the animals began to form different opinions on how the animal kingdom society should be run. They formed subdivisions of the animal kingdom known as "Genus." The genera were: Farm Animals, Pets, Wild Animals, Exotic Animals, Dinosaurs and Vermin.
All the animals became dinosaurs at the start of the 2,300,000 Century BC. The dinosaurs were the only genus of the Animal Kingdom to have direct and complete control over the kingdom without interference from any other genus. Eventually, however, some Mammalalia (mixture of the genuses Farm Animals, Pets and Wild Animals) appeared and decided to overthrow the dinosaurs with some help from tabloid newspapers and some crazed nutters who lived on a mountain in Utah. Together they created the greatest apocalypse story ever made by mass media. They published hundreds of copies of the Daily Mail, informing the dinosaurs that on 21st December 600,000 BC the World would end as a punishment from Zeus (the concept of the Christian/Jewish/Muslim God had not come about back then). Despite the massive effort behind the media scare story campaign the dinosaurs ignored the imminant apocalyptic nightmare as they had been around for long enough - 170 million years in fact - to know that these claims were false. Unfortunately for the dinosaurs, the scare story turned out to be true and they were all fried by either an asteroid, a super volcano or Zeus.
Since the extinction of the dinosaurs, the history of the Animal Kingdom becomes bland and pointless. Humanity was the dullest, most sinful thing ever to happen to the Animal Kingdom and despite the overwhelming deception that humanity is progressing if one looks themself up in a cupboard for two years and reads the bible over and over again during that time without ever washing then one begins to appreciate how backward human society is and how awful the Animal Kingdom has become. The Animal Kingdom is in a steady state of decline thanks to humanity and is expected soon to be overriden by the Fungi Kingdom who are about to embark on an evolutionary change that allows mushrooms to fly and interact with an intelligence twice that of any animal thus allowing them to out-compete the Animal Kingdom.
Culture[edit]
The Animal Kingdom has a diverse culture such as the "Hippo Hippies" of Kenya who worship the tide that gives the tidal rivers water allowing the hippos to bathe in. They also are in support of the giant windmills being built in their rivers as although it will divert the stream of the river and cause erosion to the landscape, it will also power the heating systems for their bathing spots, so that they can bathe at night.
The wolves of Eastern Europe suffer from a night-time gang culture. Dominant males and their packs roam around Lithuanian woodlands hunting wolves who show their iPhones when scurrying past. The dangerous gang culture is not respected by the local rabbits and squirrels, who have formed neighbourhood watches to protect their homes.
Classification of species[edit]
In the "good old days," the Jews had a simple system of classification: Everything either had cloven hooves or did not. This evolved into sub-classifications such as goyim and shikses.
Roman Catholicism was set up to enable humankind to eat anything, cloven or what-have-you, except during Lentil, also on Fridays and stuff, and also to field better athletic teams than the Jews ever could.
Then famous heathen geologist Charles Darwin broke everything. He proposed to classify animals in a way that ignored religious bias and approximated the view of an unbiased five-year-old before his tiny mind becomes polluted by religious indoctrination. He created the phylum, the order, the genus, the species, the Regional Manager, and the Zone Manager. It would be centuries before more enlightened minds would eliminate these levels of Middle Management and allow the Animal Kingdom to turn a profit once again.