Apple Computers

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Apple logo currently in use


The history of Apple computers started millions of years ago, deep below the earth's crust. In a cesspool of molten lava, there an idea was born which erupted all over the surface of the little planet creating a big mess. Eventually this would become the raw resources that Apple would figure out how to exploit during the 20th century B.C, (Before Computers).

In the beginning, our lord and savior Steve Jobs declared ‘Let there be might’ and there was might. The Earth was with out form and void, and he was not happy with his creation. He had no experience with Terraforming. So he reformatted the entire planet which then, was only called ‘A:drive’. He tried the rarely used 'B:drive' and again with 'C:drive' winning out over the previous two attempts.

Only known surviving image of the first apple computer

In his garage, under a small pile of green leaves, he then declared ‘let there be computers’ and there it was. He then smoked the leaves, and he was very happy. He had worked on his creation for 7 days and rested on the 8th bit. Creating the first new thing in his own universe.

famous painting by Leonardo DiCaprio, Apple's Moaning Lisa or Mona Lisa

the first Apple computer was born to Adam & Eve, it was the very first Apple computer, a mighty computer, which was proudly used by Adam to cover his ‘naughty bits’ Eve also tried to wear this most useful device, but she was quickly very ‘turned off’ with it. As she ended up suffering painful bytes all over her body, nearly killing her. They threw the Apples at a great evil snake named Bill Gates AKA the devil and then scampered back into the forest with no clothing and began procreating the beginnings of the human race, which in fact, was the only race that Adam & Eve ever lost. this two-bit computer could store up to two numbers per hour by carving bits into a primitive stone tape like device (see Flintstones).

This first Apple Computer was call the Apple None computer and was quickly nicknamed the Apple Un or the Un-Computer. This later proceeded to the Apple 1 and eventually to the more difficult to use Apple 2,

Apple not hiring ad

while studying at Fisher-Price, the Apple 3 & the Apple 4 prototypes got lost on their way home from playschool and were never found. But their next 'over whelming success' was Apple’s first computer with a revolutionary graphic user interface called the “Apple Mona Lisa” this complex thingy used a very large primitive mouse, called a Microsoft Rat. Apple eventually replaced the rat with a smaller mouse.

Decades later came the Apple Jackintosh, partly designed by Apple's mail boy Jack MeUp, this was later renamed to the now infamous Macintosh.

Since nothing important happened between the beginnings and now, we the authors decided to skip the rest as being to unimportant. And so here we are now, Apple invented the iPod, the iPhony, the iCrap in the iToilet, then Steve Jobs died. End of story.

Please note that Apple is not hiring anymore as they have no Jobs available (See Photo)

Apple Logos[edit]

The first company logo was designed using applesauce but it was far to messy, and didn’t hold it's shape very well (just like most of Apple products today). The sauced apples were a complete failure. Then someone suggested trying apples that were not drunk, but poisoned instead which worked perfectly. One byte later the logo race was on.

An early Apple ad

The first successful logo was based on Crab Apples, so the name was shortened to ‘Crapple’. It was then to reworked to rainbow apples, eventually that was changed too, after receiving many complaints that the rainbow apple was to gay.

Apple gay logo no longer in use

Many customers were upset that their Apple Fig Newton’s tasted like crap. After protesters burned down the first few factories, an unknown Apple employee tried to sand off the colors of their logo and eventually it was polished down to a mirror surface to the now almost nearly famous mega Apple computer company Inc LLC corporation logo as it is seen today.

Now a small part our story of the Apple logo was told to us by Steve WomBatKneeAt (some guy that was ripped of by Steve Jobs in those early daze.{not days}). “the byte out of the Apple happened simply because Eve didn’t like the taste of the first poisoned Apple” it's that simple. So the partially eaten apple went down into history, becoming the symbol of the mighty computer company.

The early Apple computers were known for their unique ability to 'stay crunchy even in milk' And later to help the environment everywhere, a green policy was adopted. Now all Apple products can now be ground up and used as a low calorie sugar substitute.