“Is this Heaven? No — It's Iowa.”
Iowa ("Eye-ooh-waa" or "Corn-land") is a hypothetical state of the United States proposed by New England economists to explain the US's unexplained corn surplus. Due to corn's hallucinogenic effects, skeptics are actually in a hypnotic, delusional state induced by corn fumes. Approximately 52% of Iowans are involved in the manufacture, sale, or abuse of methamphetamine or marijuana. The many attempts made by the US Government to diminish Iowa's massive hallucinating-orgy were in vain, fun, but in vain, for upon the awakening of the Iowans, the suicide rate jumped up 3 people. After exclusive research, the Highly Experienced Iowan Cosmetologists put in charge of collecting such research concluded that the suicides were, in fact, induced by Iowa's citizens realizing that they were members of Nebraska all along. Unfortunately, the 3 suicides reduced Iowa's population to a remaining 7. Iowa is also known as the 'Hawkeye State', even though none of the Avengers are ever seen here.
Many myths and legends exist about this land, most of them involving hogs, saurkraut, casinos, meth, Eskimos, and Dragons. Recent evidence has come to support these myths as fact, such as the long period of "overflight" during a journey from New York or Washington DC to Los Angeles or San Francisco.
Recently, many immigrants moving out of overpriced shit holes such as Chicago, New York and L.A. settled in Iowa. The TV news stations went apeshit over the fact the state gained people, and that the state's social-cultural fabric is changing for the better, largely due to the increased number of classy women.
Politics of Iowa
Iowa is a self-proclaimed socialist state whose corn-based social programs, Gay Marriage, and mandatory human sacrifices are world-renowned. Until the Great Corn Revolution, Iowa was ruled by a ghostly democratic government that appeared to favor the soybean minority at the expense of the corn majority. Thankfully, a toothless farmer (whose name is lost in history) had a vision that inspired the masses to rise up in anger. After billions were put in place, Iowan corn was finally free to rule as it saw fit. Since that time, Iowa has come to be ruled through a shadowy cabal of cornstalks whose decisions are interpreted by a "Corntalker." Another inhabitant if the cornstalks is the Corn Bear. It is a ferocious beast that was, like the Panda Bear, thought to be nothing more than a myth until the writers for the Des Moines Register first encountered it on RAGBRAI. Attempts are currently being made to capture sufficient numbers of Corn Bears and put them in a captive breeding program at Blank Park Zoo, although most have failed completely, apparently due to a lack of iron bars to keep them captive.
IOWA is really the acronym for "Idiots Out Wandering Around." This acronym did not come into popular usage until RAGBRAI came into being. However, the acronym IOWA was very important in founding the second "Iowa City" in Des Moines. (See Des Moines for more complete explanation.) "Iowa City" (also known as Des Moines), famous for its Strategic Grain and Corn Reserve and the Blind Hawks Football Team, was the former capital until destroyed by a dragon on crystal meth. The Corn Bears were a major ally of the dragon on crystal meth. The state is also currently locked in a brutal war of attrition with its fascist neighbor, Nebraska. Although IOWA State usually cannot win a football game against Nebraska, IOWA feels that it can win the war against Nebraska since it won the Honeybee War against Missouri. Actually, Nebraska gets IOWA's hand-me-downs. Cornhusker was the nickname of the IOWA State football team until they got tired of it. Then they decided to become the Cardinals. Then they got themselves named for a weather phenonenom, the Cyclone (with a cardinal peeking out). The Iowa State mascots are Cy and Clone. They will be needing more from Clone in the future since all of the gays and lesbians will be reproducing in that manner.
Yet another thing that somehow makes Iowa a slightly less pleasant place to live is the state's recurring vermin infestations. Like the 7 year cicada and the 12 year sloth, the 4 year candidate infestation arises on a regular interval to terrorize Iowa and her citizens. In recent years:
- Eleven children were mauled by a pheromone-charged Ross Perot when they attempted his capture in order to obtain a pot of gold he was rumored to possess. recently this grisly spectacle has been repeated numerous times by the wily Kucinich.
- An entire family's winter food supplies were devoured by George H.W. Bush in 1992 and again by George W. Bush in 2000.
- Both of Iowa's Mcdonald's restaurants had to be closed during the entire 1992 election cycle due to the Clinton Outbreak.
- Several hundred Sioux City residents were instantly struck dead when they gazed into the smiling, yet soulless visage of Laura Bush broadcast on a morning news segment. Incidentally, this is why all Iowa television stations broadcast live programming on only the lower half of the screen and fill the top half with uncopyrighted reproductions of the 1947 "Farmer's Almanac".
Iowa Caucuses (pronounced I-owe-uh cock-asses)
Every four years since 1974, an event is held in Iowa barn houses to help elect the future president of the United States, known as the "Iowa Caucus", (also known as the "Corn Straw", "Soy Straw" as well as the "Cow Straw" by many local Iowans). A "caucus" is a gathering of like-mined individuals who wish to stand at different corners of a barn based on a position held by a presidential candidate, may they be a conservative or a democrat. The over all goal is to give Iowan corn farmers a break from constant snowfall and hoe-downs during the winter season. All of these circumstances help elect a president, thanks to Jimmy Carter. Sometimes there is a tie at the caucus, and the president can't be decided by that party. When this occurs, Iowans have to avert their eyes as God comes down from the heaven so that He may pick that candidate. The first, (and only time as of present) that this has happened was during Ronald Reagan's first caucus back in the 80's. Conflicting as this may be to present history facts, God has the final say when presidents are elected. A little known fact is that because of the onslaught of political television commercials that they were subjected to, 69% of the states population committed suicide prior to the 2008 caucus. No, Michael Hutchence didn't live in Iowa.
Iowa's official state name, forever entombed in the Cold-War era fallout shelters beneath the State Capitol, is too long and far, far too mind-numbing (rather like a drive on one of its several interstates) to be placed here. However, its common, Plebian name will suffice for this lesson.
It is (or it should) be common knowledge that the word Iowa is is not pronounced "I-wah," as its "supporters" seem to insist. Indeed, it is pronounced as "Ah-wuoh," or, alternately, as long and convulsed and ultimately pained-sounding as your insignificant human vocal cords can manage, as if something brown had just been forcibly evicted, still-steaming, from your colon. Saying it in this way will help you win friends and influence people... if they're from Iowa.
Some speculate that Iowa's name is in fact an acronym to which words are associated with each letter making the phrase in ancient Iowan speak, "I Otta Went Around." referring to the states near impassability in old times by ground based vehicles. Travelers voyaging westward (or eastward) would hit Iowa, and become terribly exhausted by the never-ending rows of corn.
|The State of Corn|
|State motto:||"We Corn It"|
|State slogan:||"If corn won't grow where you live, give us a chance!"|
|State Song:||"Beautiful Corn"|
|State animal:||Genetically Modified Corn Mutants|
|State bird:||Popcorn Popper|
|State capital:||Des Corn|
|State governor:||Cornelio C. Cornell|
|State flower:||Corn Flower|
|State fossil:||Petrified Corn|
|State tree:||Corn Stalk|
|State skin disorder:||Bunyan See: Corn|
"Field of Opportunity." Notice that this is singular, because that is what Iowa is just one BIG corn field. The current state motto was chosen by Iowa's citizens, with "Room for Improvement" being a close second.
It is reported that Iowa is currently in talks with the US Congress to change its name to "The Corn Field Formerly known as Iowa" (TCFFKAI, pronounced "Tiff-KAI!" as in the image file format that is able to cut through stale bread).
Note: The former motto was the acronym for Iowa, Idiots Out Walking Around, but it was later changed when determined "Derogatory". Actually, the acronym is "Idiots Out Wandering Around" since the original wandering was done on horseback. The currently most popular forms of wandering around are on bicycle (see RAGBRAI sponsored by a major newspaper in Des Moines) and old tractors (the Great Tractor Ride - sponsored by that radio station in Des Moines where Ronald "Dutch" Reagan broadcast made up football games since the real information did not come in on teletype until after he was finished. Working with made up information is good practice for being President of the United States.) The motto thing on the official State Seal is "Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain." Iowans prize the liberty to be idiots on bicycles and tractors whenever they want, they maintain the right to do it during hottest week of the year. Since this was too big of a motto to put up everywhere, the state decided to find a shorter one. They tried, "Iowa, a place to grow." This was placed at every rest stop (toilet on the interstate highways) and, consequently was misread as, "Iowa, a place to go." "Fields of opportunity" replaced the toilet slogan in hopes that people would forget that Iowa was the biggest toilet in the nation. (See RAGBRAI for information about roadside toilets in Iowa.)
The state test is the Iowa Test of Basic Skills, ITBS or Iowa Test of BS for short. The test involves a rigorous, highly supervised and coached circle filling with number 2 pencils. The test includes reading, righting and rithmatick. School children ages 5 to 105 enjoy the state test yearly, or until they score high enough to ensure school funds and teacher salaries for another year. Iowa has two additional tests. There is the Iowa Test of Educational Development (ITED - not to be confused with TED hose) for them what's in the high school. In addition, them what's thinks they can make it in college can take the American College Test (ACT - if you ACT now, you can get a second one for an additional fee.)
"This is the smaaart test stayte in the wurld i beliive the we should bee the rulers of the unyiverse." is the motto of the Statewide School System, "I'd just sound sooo wight to the chil'ren." one teacher writes.
Taking this test means nothing. It just gives teacher's an excuse not to teach for a day or two.
Diversity of Iowa
Iowa is a very diverse state, covering people of every religion from Mennonite to Presbyterian, every skin tone from alabaster to milky, and from every corner of the world from Britain to Germany. There's even those thar Lutheran type of people in Iowa. Some of those thar Lutheran type of people just decided that it was okey dokey for gays and lesbians to be preachers in them thar Lutheran churches if they have sex with only one other gay or lesbian person. (This is some of those thar Lutheran people. Them what's related to Wisconsin and Missouri and them's what think they're better than the rest of them Lutherans don't allow it yet 'cause they ain't up to date on the state law about lettin' gays and lesbians get married.) This multicultural paradise employs them in the production of products from white bread, corn and milk, to chalk, whitewash, crystal meth, and anthrax (Ames strain). On the average day in Iowa, you can hear every language from English (slight country accent) to English (slight eastern accent). Hail, Iowa! Walking past workers never felt so satisfying. It is important to note that as one heads down the highway's in Iowa, many diverse plants can be seen. Namely, Corn and Soybeans! But, don't forget to get one of the many pamphlets at all the rest stops along the highways in Iowa that describe how Iowa came to be known as the "Ashy State". Rich in diversity, tourist will never want to wonder why Iowa has a schoolhouse on its state quarter. Eat your heart out The Boondocks!
Here's how a basic, friendly conversation should go:
- Foreigner (Furriner): Hey, are you from AAAH-wooouh?
The stranger, if he/she is from Iowa, will then give you a look resembling that you would give a chipmunk with rabies: threatened, hurrying to grab the reins of control out of its filthy hands. Do not let this throw you off; it is a greeting casually thrown about in most Iowan circles. This will cement you in their hearts and minds as one of their own.
- Iowan (AAAh-wuuuhn): What the hell are you on, Bob's meth? Mexican marijuana?
You might be. You might. Say as much, and continue to exchange witty banter with the Iowan until he/she whips out a cell phone and calls the local deputy; at this point, run away and hide in the corn fields. You don't fancy no rides in the deputy's armored carriage once he rides into town. Suck your thumb. It will help.
And jest you don't ferget, in Des Moines, the "S"s are silent. See, them people in Iowa is what you call educated and somebody once told them that Des Moines is from the French and those French people don't pronounce all their letters, especially the "S"s, so them educated people in Iowa don't want y'all to pronounce the "S"s in Des Moines. Best pronunciation is "duh moin." Don't ferget about the "duh" in the capital city of Iowa.
So now you've used the state name and state capital in their proper pronunciation. Good. How do you feel? Excited? Exhilarated? Ready to use it again to excite and, well, whatever. Good for you!
Apart from corn (pictured), Iowa's chief export is home-made ice cream made from the corn-fed cows at the Ice Cream Capitol of the world in LeMars (deriving from the ancient Greek word "LehMareie") which was a goddess that ruled the farming land but did not harvest corn, for once. It was not harvested because corn was there God and ruled the land through LehMareie. Later, LehMareie was having a nice dinner with Ashton Kucher and Ashton explained to LehMareie that the land she has been farming has actually been corn. So this whole time, LehMareie was harvesting corn and that's how our cows got big, made milk, and made us delicious ice cream. Science.
Tourist Hot Spots
Popular tourist destination Nutsawooska is visited by insane tourists from around the world, as it is a good alternative to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Its log-ride is reportedly one of the top twenty in the nation.
Northern Iowa is home to the world famous Sweet Corn Days celebration, which is held every year, with the same exact thing happening as the year before, and the same exact things will happen the following year. Usually the main event is watching local shit bands perform songs that no one has ever heard of.
In other words, Sweet Corn Days is awesome.
Another popular tourist attraction is the Road Across the River to Nebraska. Equally popular is the Road Across the River to Illinois, the Road over the Border to Missouri, and it's northern Iowa counterpart, the Road over the Border to Minnesota (aka US 69, the Joe Shlabotnik Memorial Highway). Iowans enjoy travel so much, and are very proud of their driving skills. They use those tourist attractions to demonstrate the joy of driving 20 in a 75 zone and the fun of keeping a left turn signal on for 60 miles, much to the edification of their neighbors in Missouri, Nebraska, Illinois and Nebraska.
Iowa in Pop Culture
Iowa is the main focus of the stage musical Iowa!, which is best known for its opening song, praising the many wonderful things about Iowa. The lyrics go:
- I-i-i-i-i-ow-a where... um... where...
- Gee, uh...
- Sounds of crickets chirping. Show closes, theatre goes into receivership. And beer.
- Hei alle gutter, Iowa be our dojigger, uh uh uh, we is also real lame.
Iowegians (Iowans of Norwegian descent) like to eat lefse (left-suh - left over mashed potatoes with flour and other ingredients in them cooked on a griddle) and lutefisk (loot-uh-fisk - rotten fish that was soaked in lye and had some other stuff done to it) every year as a Christmas celebration. One year the King of Norge (Norwegian for Norway, or else a brand name of appliances from way back) came over to Iowa. The Iowegians served him lefse and lutefisk. You don't serve a king left over mashed potatoes and rotten fish.
Iowa is also home to roar growl band Slipknot who are famous for wearing masks and boiler suits.
Iowa is the birth place of the actor who played Superman in Superman returns... it still doesn;t make up for it...
Educational television was invented in Iowa in 1933. Unfortunately, nobody gave a good goddamn, and to this day, nobody does.
Johnny Carson is from Corning Iowa, I swear to got thats a real place. Yup it is a real place.
In, the, future, James Tiberius Kirk (future, captain, of, the, Starship, Enterprise,), will, be, born, in, Riverside, Iowa. Riverside, however, is, not, the, location, of, the, Riverside, Community, School, District, or, of, Riverside, Lutheran, Bible, Camp, (one, of, the, camps, of, the, gay, and, lesbian, Lutherans).
Ashton Kutcher is from Iowa, why do you think he wears those trucker hats?
The Children of the Corn played on the Field of Dreams once.
The Finnish band Children of Bodom are banned from Iowa because they don't like fat people.
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