Avenge my death

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You gotta go all Hamlet on their asses.

Oh my only son, it is I, your only father. Come here, my boy, I am wounded. They got me, son.

I must tell you something. Quick, before it's too late. Come closer... closer, boy... closer still... don't be shy... closer. Sheesh, not that close! Christ! I said I had to tell you something, not "I want to French kiss your ear". When was the last time you cleaned your ears, boy! There's enough wax in there to light Hugh Hefner's birthday cake. Ear canal? More like ear Great lake!

That's better. Are you listening, boy? This is very important. Yes, I suppose it is one of those little father-son talks. What do you mean "not another one"? No this isn't about the birds and the bees. Sheesh! Will you let that drop; it was one time. Okay, okay, three times, and I guess it was inappropriate of me to barge in on your wedding night. But as your father I have to make sure you know these things. Better late than never, that's what I always say. Anyway, just be thankful you didn't learn about it the same way I did. I tell you, I've never been able to look at a horse the same way since... or your aunt Susan.

I've bought it. I've popped my clogs. I've become an ex-parrot. What do you mean "talk sense"? I'm dying, boy! If you aren't entitled to a bit of lyricism on your death bed then when are you? Please, son, grant me my dying wish; avenge my death.

You mean kill somebody?

I knew I should have appeared in the clouds to you. Let's start again.

Speak up, boy, I feel faint. Yes, I know murder is frowned upon but some things are more important than the law, your own incarceration and the life of a potentially innocent man: like doing your duty as a son. Why do you think men want sons so badly? To play catch with? Pah, you're far too heavy for that. No, it's all about exacting vengeance upon our enemies.

As my only son it falls upon you to do this. It is the Way of Things. No one else can do it. Your mother can't do it; your sister Margaret can't do it; Graham our pet silverback gorilla can't do it - which is a shame because he'd probably be ideally suited to it; my good friend Yoshijuro the trained assassin can't do it, and so on and so forth.

But I don't really want to

Electra had dedication, not that I'm asking you to kill your mother too... although a spree may be worth considering.

It's a tradition. I probably never told you that I avenged my own father's death. What? Yes, Grandpa did die of natural cancer. But I took care of those responsible; that smarmy doctor for one. He had it coming. I was sick of his excuses; "no it wasn't inoperable, you're just incompetent!" I told him. And what did he say to that? "Sir, you can't smoke in the patient's lounge". Yeah that's what they all say.

Okay, okay, so I know it wasn't really his fault. I guess I didn't so much avenge my father's death as react to it. Some would say over-react to it.

It's your destiny; your calling. It's not like your doing anything else with your life. Nobody's destiny is to file important documents for a solicitor's office. Yes, I know you filed more documents than any other clerk in the country last year. And I know you got that Mark Twain award for filing. I did hear all about it, it's not like it didn't make the papers. But what I'm saying is you're not doing anything with your life.

So who do I have to kill?

Why couldn't you be more like Bill from work's, son?

Well, you know that paraplegic hippy who lives down the street? The one who's been given two months at best? Well, it's not him, it's his cousin, Stabby McBloodworth. What's that? Actually I have no idea why they call him Stabby. I'm sure it's nothing to do with knives. Why would a guy with a frame like that need to carry a knife? Have you seen his arms? His body is practically a weapon. Hell, even his muscles have muscles.

Don't be such a chicken. All you need to do is beat Stabby in a fair fight... after you've taken care of his entourage of 50 armed samurai of course.

50 armed samurai?

Yeah? I thought that was a given. Have you never avenged anyone's death before? There's always a bunch of sword-wielding henchmen to take on. Haven't you seen Game of Thrones? You have? Is it any good? Can I borrow the DVDs? No, I don't have blu-ray. I guess it doesn't matter; I don't really have the time to watch a whole TV series these days. Cough.

Okay, okay, so maybe you can sneak past the personal guard. Maybe if you incapacitate one of them you can steal their helmet or something. Then it's just the guard dog to worry about. I don't know why you're so surprised by this, most mansions have guard dogs. I said mansion. It'll be fine, just throw him a sausage or dress up as a girl dog - always worked for that guy from the Tom and Jerry cartoons... what was his name? Mickey Mouse.

So what did you do to old Stabby?

What did I do? Why, nothing! Nothing at all! Why do you assume I was the instigator of this? It was a totally unprovoked attack. Not that I blame him either, since we're mortal enemies he was simply dancing to the music of fate. We were born to destroy each other, it's just my luck that he got to me first. But let me tell you son, if I hadn't been so preoccupied by having sex with Mrs Stabby he never would've got me. Serves me right for not doing it front of a mirror as I normally do.

Sonny Corleone, now there was a model son. Not only did he avenge his own father's assassination attempt, but, later, his own son avenged his (I think)... I'm never really sure what's going on in the third one.

What do you mean I never told you I slept with his wife? Of course I did, that's what mortal enemies do. He'd do it to me if your mother wasn't such an old cow. Hm? No, I don't think the affair is what prompted him to kill me. He knew I had no choice. Remember how he wasn't angry when I killed his son? Oh, you didn't know about that either huh? Sorry, must've slipped my mind. Like I said, we were merely waltzing to the contagious rhythms of fate.

Oh dad...

Oh don't look at me like that, you're not too old for me to throw you over my knee you know. If only I knew where my knees were. I think they're over in the corner by my pants.

There is a history of Stabby and I doing terrible things to one another. And now I am dead you must take my place in the great game; go mano-a-mano with Stabby. You can't resist, my boy. Soon enough even you will be seizuring to the dubstep remix of fate.

But what if Stabby kills me too?

That's where your son steps in. Well, uh, why the hell don't you have a son? Yes, I know you have a lot on your plate with your veterinary wife and her many, many pets, but who did you think was going to kill your enemies, the fucking parakeet? This is why all men need a son. Well, that and so they have someone to give long rambling monologues too. Why do you think we adopted you? I mean, uh, gave birth to you. Sorry, it's all this dying it's making me delirious. Did I mention I'm dying? Anyway, there's no way you're adopted, not with that schnoz.

Hmm, this dying thing takes longer than I expected. Do you have any cards? No? Okay, so do you know what your plan is? Uh, your plan to avenge my death? What do you mean you're not going to!? Why you ungrateful... after all I've...

What if I gave you a cool scar, would you do it then?

Sorry, I didn't mean... let me start again...


Son, this is about something more important than your life, it's more important than my life too. This is about balance. If nobody avenged anyone's deaths the world would be all topsy turvy and stop working properly. Australians would fall off and drift into space. Magnets would die. It would be chaos. You don't want that on your hands do you?

It's still a no? Damn it. Okay, whatever, forget it. I'm tired of this anyway. You know, if I were really dying I'd be annoyed by now.


Yes, that's right, I made this whole thing up. I wanted to test you, and it's a good job I did. Sheesh, all you had to do was say you'll avenge my death. You didn't actually have to kill anyone... apart from Stabby, obviously. Well that settles it, I'm definitely going to have another son.

Where are you going? Come back here. No, you're a terrible father!

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