Beast of Bodmin Moor
The Beast of Bodmin Moor is the name given to a large feline or felines roaming the moors of Cornwall. It has often been described as a black leopard or panther like cat, sometimes brown. However, it should be remembered that at night, all cats are at least grey and potentially very black, particularly when most sightings have involved closing one's eyes and running away in terror.
Historians trace the legend of the Beast to the time of the Egyptians reaching the British Isles in ancient times. As no real architects came along, there was only a half hearted attempt at building pyramids, resulting in the standing stones and dolmens that are still found today. Arriving Egyptians brought along their favourite animals which included sphinxes.
Sphinxes soon spread out over the moorlands allowing them to park themselves on large boulders and ask travelers riddles, after which the travelers would provide lunch, usually themselves. The native Picts became terrified of sphinxes to the point of crapping their pants if pants had been invented. Tearfully, Brits would eventually forego the carefree life of fun and frolic on the boggy, foggy and windswept moors and move into villages on their margins.
Egyptian influence would wane in Britain after several consecutive failures in the fava bean crop. Finally, a shortage of kebab skewers put paid to Egyptian occupation everywhere except Ireland. Still, it would not be until the year 507 that Æthelred the Uneaten would slay the last sphinx, making Bodmin Moor, Dartmoor and Exmoor habitable once again.
By this time, average Cornish folk would much prefer a stinky cottage made of sticks and mud located on somewhat dry land. There they would languish whilst happily grooming their pet rats and the rats' Plague filled pet fleas. The only time they would venture though Bodmin Moor would be to make a holy pilgrimage to Plymouth to play bingo or visit the Shrine of St. Rollup of the Fruit Machine.
Over the years, many reports of sightings of large creatures on Bodmin Moor have been recorded. Whilst the most fantastical stories from drunks and loonies were given a toss, the most reliable witnesses, escaped fugitives and shepherds, were also thoroughly ignored by local officials. Most residents of Bodmin assumed it was just the Hound of Baskervilles on holiday. Scientists stated that visitors to the moor were seeing wisps of fog that just happened to make snarling noises and tore livestock apart.
For hundreds of years, no big cats were seen in Bodmin Moor. But collective memory is as long as a pair of pants your grandmother bought you when you were aged 10, so the animals were never really forgotten. Sightings then increased in the early 1980s and continue to the present day with rampant speculation as to just what is going on.
The Beast of Bodmin Moor is regarded as demonic by the Anglican church, although agnostics and Jews point out that cats sitting in windows wanting to come inside can creep out anyone. Druids point out that the prejudice comes from priests favoring goats over cats as familiars. Whatever the case, church car parks around Bodmin Moor are all clearly marked with signage as No Big Cat zones.
In 2017, a large black creature with glowing eyes was seen throughout the region by many observers. After careful investigation, this turned out to be Boris Johnson in a black anorak and black pants standing outside churches to trip antiBrexiters as they left services. Johnson was cited for wearing tacky trainers with orange accents and was released.
Released big cats
Prior to 1976, exotic animals could be kept as pets. This included lions, tigers, cougars and panthers. However, laws were passed forbidding the wealthy from allowing their pets to eat local townspeople. It is thought that instead of turning in their big cats to zoos or wildlife refuges, owners merely released them into wild places like Bodmin Moor, often with just a sack lunch and a fiver.
Unfamiliar with living in the outside world and with no buses willing to take them anywhere, most of the animals perished. It is thought that a few did survive on the moors after learning to order Indian takeaway. These animals, probably including a cougar or two, are thought to be responsible for the first modern sighting on Bodmin Moor in 1982.
Some authorities declare that sightings of the Beast are merely mistaken sightings of normal housecats spotted by people with bad vision, like customs inspectors. They further point out that the only people who know how to use cameras are either German or Japanese, and point to eBay listings as evidence that people will pay huge sums for a cell phone with a high quality camera but will refuse to learn how to snap proper photos.
Grainy photos and videos abound, making it hard to tell the size of felines spotted on Bodmin Moor. Local councils have offered free meter sticks to any cats large or small visiting local town halls. Curiously, there have been no takers.
Those making a case for the Beast note the killing of animals larger than the typical moggy including sheep, cows, escaped elephants and now feral rhinos. They also point out the while shredded Mini Coopers are well within the capabilities of a bog standard housecat, crushing Rolls Royces and Bentleys into balls for toys is beyond its abilities.
It has been posited that the Beast is not a space alien itself, but pets of aliens that that have outgrown their spaceship or have ripped up spaceship interiors and had been kicked out of doors. Researchers attempting to identify which cats belong to either green or grey aliens have only found one thing: the Beast likes to eat any type of researcher it happens to find.
Crazy Cat Lady paradigm
With the continued great number of sightings of the Beast, most theories above fail as that would mean there is a breeding population of big cats, meaning hundreds and not just a few individuals. Yet Bodmin Moor is not an empty landscape devoid of animals all eaten by multitudes of panthers or cougars. How could this happen?
In 2019 it is now believed that Crazy Cat Ladies (CCL) are responsible. The relatively rare sightings are on account of CCLs building concealed shelters as well as being Miss Havisham styled individuals holed up in decaying estate buildings that allow most of the animals to be hidden at all times. Scientists suspect that escaped big cats were taken in by CCLs and interbred with housecats, creating giant hybrids. With the advent of supermarket chains, a few trolley loads of cat kibble could be bought for reasonable sums, enabling Crazy Cat Ladies to feed large numbers of large cats. As ever, there are finicky individuals who won't eat dry food accounting for the relatively small number of eviscerated bodies of sheep, cows and truant schoolchildren found on Bodmin Moor.
- (Am.), slot machine
- (Am.) windbreaker, which may be worse as a word.
- The landed gentry were still allowed to own and beat their servants who were reclassified from pets to chattel.
- (Brit.) a five pound note, equivalent today to US$0.10.
- (Am.) fast food
- (Brit.) moggy
- (Am.) shopping cart