Boris Johnson
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| Born: | 19 June 1964 New York City, USA | ||||
| Party: | Conservative Party | ||||
| Religion: | Church of Routemaster Bus | ||||
| Signature: | 
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| The Great Major of London | |||||
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| Term of office: | 4 May 2008 - 3 May 2016 | ||||
| Preceded by: | Ken BusKill Livingstone | ||||
| Member of Parliament for Henley | |||||
| Term of office: | 9 June 2001 – 4 June 2008 | ||||
| Preceded by: | Michael Heseltine | ||||
| Succeeded by: | John Howell | ||||
| Term of office: | 1 May 2015 | ||||
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, MP for Cloud Cuckoo Land, former mayor of London, and part time zookeeper, is a jolly good chap. A tit, but a jolly good chap nonetheless. He's pictured right pretending to be a hippo in an ASCII cartoon and is Prime Minister of Great Britain after Theresa May made a balls up of Brexit.
Political affiliation
While Johnson is technically a Conservative, that hasn't alienated the left because his is a hereditary conservatism, bestowed on him his mummy and daddy, Viscount St.John Cholmondeley-Featherstonebaugh and Lady Margarita Smith-Smythe-Smith-Recurring. He doesn't really understand about politics and believes he won his election rosette for having the tidiest desk.
Ethnicity
Background
Thai mother, half Finnish half polar bear father, Ashkenazi great-grandfather, his wife is half English half Indian and their 200" TV is part Japanese and part German, Lord knows where the children came from.
Johnson was educated at Eton, where he was repeatedly nailed to the wall for being too retarded. He learned all there is to know about Albinos, and nothing about London, which qualifies him perfectly for his present role.
Gordon Brown put him on Big Brother as 'Darnell' which gave him enough praise to become mayor of London.
Ancestry
Borik 'Boris' Obarmy has revealed that he has traced his ancestry to humble slaves.
“So much for people who claim that I am some kind of stuck-up toff, what!”
He has recently discovered, just in time for the election, that his great-grandmother Mrs Ludmilla Obarmy was a Greek slave sold by Ottoman Turks to a wealthy Turkish merchant 'Kenite the Red' and transported to America in the cramped cargo hold of a bendy bus to deliver speeches which will embarrass Arnold Schwarzenegger. There were some emotional scenes with Obarmy weeping into his top-hat as he sang 'set my people free' backed by the privately paid gospel choir of the Turkish Orthodox Tabernacle Choir. Obarmy's discovery of his slave roots was hailed as a major breakthrough in the election campaign by daytime TV celebrity Mattew D'Ancona, who said
| “ | Boris feels our pain. He will lead us to the promised land i.e. London | ” |
Boris also discovered that he was related to the British monarch George XIX on his mother's side in part of a BBC television series, he is currently planning to run for the office of 'King' and is already ahead of Elizabeth II and Rupert Murdoch in the polls.
Is Boris a Russian Gangster?
There are many reasons to believe that Boris is in fact a Russian gangster, or even a KGB agent sent during the Cold War to gather information from inside the UK government. These facts suggest that he is in fact a Russian:
- He has a Russian sounding first name and a boring run-of-the-mill English surname, probably taken from a phone book.
- He has a thinly disguised Russian accent.
- He is barely capable of speaking English.
- He behaves in a stereotypical “British fop” manner. No real English person behaves this way; he probably got his guide to how English people are supposed to behave by watching episodes of Friends or The Simpsons.
- He became part of the ruling party of the UK during the 1980’s and yet does no obvious work within it.
- He has ridiculously blond hair which is generally associated with those Nordic types.
Is he a retired KGB agent who was fired in 1991, but decided to stay in the UK rather than going back to that shit hole Russia? We may never know.
But now we do know. Johnson is Agent Baboon. He made the son of a KGB agent a member of the House of Lords with the title of Duke of Siberia.
Attractive Qualities
Boris Johnson has, unlike most Tory politicians, never been the leader of the Conservative party. This is because he has always exceeded the hair restriction placed on prospective candidates. His most recent success was reaching the qualifying round of Junior Mastermind, choosing "Ooh, ahh. Gosh. I don't know. Bimbos?" as his subject, at the age of 37. He currently lives inside a giant shoe with 50 of his illegitimate children, all called Boris so that he can remember their names, and all fed on Wagon Wheels to keep them bouncy. Someday soon he hopes to complete a coherent sentence.
Boris is also a talented footballer, appearing in a charity match (with white boots!) and successfully tackling a German, something Philip Neville has failed to do since 1997.
Boris is a keen explorer, having recently discovered the Lost Wine Cellar of City Hall. The Cellar, which was created by Ken Livingstone in the early 15th century, contains hundreds of bottle of rare wine. Upon discovering the stash, Johnson exclaimed "Cripes! Looks like that Livingbone chap left a few Panda-Pops behind!" Boris then drank seventeen bottles of what he believed to be Panda-Pops, before announcing "Golly, those taste a bit iffy old bean". He proceeded to to his desk and set to work as the effects of the alcohol took hold. This is possibly the reason behind a law being passed which made it illegal to be sober on public transport, although sources close to the Mayor suggest that this has been one of his policies for a while now. They backed up these claims when they showed reporters Boris's scrapbook, which had a photocopy of the Bill under the heading 'The Law What I Wrote, By Boris Johnson, aged 45 and a half'
Literary career
Boris is also the editor/writer/star of the political magazine, ‘The Beano’. In 2004 it was alleged that Boris was having a passionate affair with a rival magazine writer-star, Desperate Dan. Evidently, very desperate. When accused by the press, Boris unsuccessfully attempted to enter his home, the aforementioned shoe, but was unable as he lacked the intelligence to open the door. Boris strongly denies having a child with Dan, and the appearance of a creature with a ridiculously large amount of blond hair and an incredibly chiseled jaw was simply a coincidence and said that “it’s a conceit”.
Time/Space Paradox
In something which has come to be known as the "Great Boris Paradox", Boris Johnson is the only active Tory who does not disgust and inspire hatred from everyone on earth. This, it has been speculated, cannot actually be possible. Therefore proving that nothing is actually real.
Mayoral victory
A few minutes before midnight on the evening of 2 May 2008, Boris Johnson was confirmed as having won the London Mayoral election, beating Reverend Kenneth Livingstone, 2nd Earl of Winchester with a hefty landslide majority. This has since been declared a fraudulent outcome because people want to continue getting pissed on the Tube, scaring away all the tourists.
Following his (now annulled) victory, London promptly sank into the sea. No-one was quite sure how this happened, but most people believe the theory that somehow Boris either 'lost' the Thames Barrier or just 'broke' London. Many people commented at the time that "London could do with a wash".
Future
Boris announced plans to run for Mayor of Liverpool at the same time as running for mayor of London, saying "I....I...I..Believe, that, er..the thieving scumbags of Liverpool could use a man like me to...er....to bring Britain back from this torrent of New Labour....and my drug....what's my policy on drugs again?" Despite this speech being well-received by most of Britain, Boris still lacks by 10% in a recent opinion poll placing him against dead comic Tommy Cooper.
In 2015 Boris returned to the House of Commons and was a leading bellower for Brexit. When his old mate Dave resigned, Boris was expecting to receive the garlands, laurel leaves and a ride through Whitehall on a chariot. However his wing man Michael Gove betrayed him and Boris had to settle for the job of Foreign Secretary. The response from the rest of the world was..hahahahahahahahahahahah...
Hair
When the new London 2012 Olympics logo was unveiled, some politicians complained that it looked like Boris Johnson's hair. Boris replied with "You can say what you want about my hairstyle but at least it has not yet induced epilepsy. And it cost considerably less than £400,000 to design." Also, Boris' hair is blond, not bright pink like that logo that looks like Lisa Simpson giving head.
In a bid to reverse climate change, Johnson recently unveiled plans to cut off locks of his hair and exploit its natural luminessence by using it to light up central Kingston Upon Hull at night, thus cutting the city's carbon footprint by 97%. Boris also regularly donates locks of hair to the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Baldies).
Have I Got News For You
Boris Johnson has appeared on the satirical TV show "Have I Got News For You" as a guest host 218 borizillion times. He always spends the entire show getting all the questions muddled up and then saying to the camera, "Oh I say, I forgot to comb my hair, I'm such a twit but don't you love me?"
He lost a Mastermind spoof on one memorable episode, ending up with zero points and was incapable of answering the question put forward by Angus Deayton: "What is your full name?" Although he made up for this by receiving a mobile phone call in that same episode, the first guest to have received a phone call at that time and to this day.
Famously in 1972 he hosted an episode which took 6 months and 2 days to film, due to the constant need to do retakes. It cost the BBC £123,200 to make this one episode as they needed to put the audience up in hotel rooms.
Recent News
Boris Johnson was appointed Foreign Secretary in July 2016. Perhaps misunderstanding the job title, Johnson thought his job was to abuse 'foreign johnnies' in the manner of his idol Lord Palmerston. He was allowed to do this. Prank phone calls to Brussels was his favourite, announcing that Britain was about to bomb the city 'unless we get a stonking 'Brexit' deal.
In July 2018, Theresa May dismissed his 'cunning plans' to win on Brexit and so he walked, jumped on his bicycle and plotted again to become Prime Minister...
Prime Minister
...by July 2019. It happened. Johnson became Prime Minister. He had reached the top of a very greasy pole.
At first all seemed to go well for Johnson. In the next six months he purged his party of those who retained their doubts about Brexit and wanted a re-match. In December 2019 Johnson routed his political enemies. He did this by avoiding interviews and dressing up instead in various forms of fancy dress to show he would be a 'fun PM'. A month later Britain had exited the European Union.
All seemed to be set for a glorious premiership. Johnson had already written the book where he was the hero. Then Coronavirus struck. Everything appeared to stop. Johnson tried to show that Coronavirus was 'no big deal if you're fit and healthy like me'. However he experienced the disease first hand. Johnson survived but many people began to die. Britain appeared to be leading the world with infections. There was a second attack of the virus later in 2020. The restrictions that had been implemented on the UK had been lifted but then like a handrake turn, everything was put back on. Christmas 2020 was truly miserable.
More of an upset for Johnson was the electoral defeat of close buddy Donald Trump. The American president appeared to be a fellow fan of all the things Johnson liked doing including a mammoth appetite to run through many wives and mistresses. Instead Johnson had to deal with Joe Biden. The two men had nothing in common. Even when Johnson re-converted as a Catholic to marry his third wife, there was nothing doing. Also Johnson's vague threats to undo the political settlement in Northern Ireland in a dispute about trade barriers hardly meant his calls were being returned.
It was around this time that stories of wild parties at Number 10 started to leak out. Johnson at first denied anything happened and if it did, he wasn't there. Since the parties had been held when the rest of the country was in a hard lock down with people being limited to 'family bubbles' this was a very bad look. Johnson said this was all trivial for 'the new Winston Churchill'. Yet this didn't force him out. Ironically, it was another MP's sex scandal that finally felled Johnson. This MP had been found groping other men at the Conservative Party's Carlton clubhouse. This was bad enough but it was revealed Johnson had promoted the man with full knowledge that he was a sexual predator. That was it finally for the Tories. Johnson's government melted away like ice cream on a table. On the 7th July 2022 Johnson resigned. He stayed on as prime minister until Johnson left office on the 6th September 2022 by travelling to Scotland to see the Queen. Two days later she died.
Cinncinatus
Johnson left England for a long holiday at the expense of his business friends. He said that like Churchill his country would call him back to power when the Germans were crossing the Channel. He compared himself to Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus, a Roman legistlator who went away to write his tablets and then was called back when the French were about to sack London. He also looked like Steve McQueen and played a lot of poker.
Boris had backed Liz Truss for Prime Minister. When she managed to break everything for the LOLZ and had to resign, Johnson picked up his towel and told the hotel he didn't need the sun lounger anymore. Sure, it was a bit of a quicker return than he expected but Johnson was sure his party would want him back. Everyone was missing Boris for the laughs? He claimed he had all the votes needed in parliament to go head to head with 'smarmy twerp Rushi Sunak'. Sunak refused to stand down. Johnson went back to his holidays. He had failed at his first attempt for a rapid restoration. Johnson could wait.