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Carbohydrates are chemical compounds found in food that give energy to athletes and make everybody else fat. They are made up of sugars and starches, and are most commonly found in things like cookies and potato chips. All carbohydrates contain a form of sugar, which gives them their fattening properties. Even animals will eat carbohydrates, which also fattens them up nicely.

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Types of Carbohydrates[edit]

There are four types of carbohydrates: Sugary carbohydrates, saccharides, starchy carbohydrates, and carbohydrates used in animal feed.

Sugary carbohydrates are found in cookies, cake, candy, cupcakes, sweet rolls, milkshakes, sweetened breakfast cereal, and donuts. If it is sweet and is not a "diet" item, it probably has sugary carbs in it. These are also addictive in nature: withdrawal symptoms include drooling, stomachache, bulging eyes, headache, fatigue, lack of concentration, hallucinations, shrinkage of sexual organs, and hair loss. These withdrawal symptoms go away quickly with the reintroduction of any item containing sugary carbohydrates, or in a desperate situation, saccharides.

Saccharides contain fake sugar (saccharin) and are eaten by dieters, causing the rebound effect of yo-yo dieting. These include things like coffee sweetener, and diet soda. These may also be hidden in things like milk, fruit, and koolaid, but you have to read the label to see if it says "Carbs". If so, and it is neither a sugary nor a starchy carbohydrate type of item, it is probably a saccharide. There are several types of saccharides: monosaccharides, disaccharides, and polysaccharides. Monosaccharides are very straight and narrow, and only have one partner. Disaccharides have maybe two or three partners, and polysaccharides have many partners, but they are all treated equally. After all, one good molecule deserves another.

Starchy carbohydrates contain starch, which is useful in bulking up athletes, and bringing skinny people to a healthier weight. This includes things like potato chips, rice, bread, beer, pretzels, popcorn, pasta, corn nuts, pizza, and crackers. Their effect is magnified while eating them in front of an electromagnetic field, like a television or a computer monitor. This is why society encourages this practice by strategic ads of food products during television commercials. Starchy carbohydrates are also almost impossible to avoid, since they are in nearly every aisle of the supermarket.

Carbohydrates are used in animal feed as filler, and to give the animal extra calories, to fatten up food animals for the slaughter. In this way, we are eating second hand carbohydrates when we eat meat like beef or pork. It can also be used in cheap cat food or dog food, or in treats, since like us, the animals find it delicious, and it does not cost the animal food companies as much money as actual protein content would. This can result in overweight animals, causing the animals to look more like their owners.


First, the carbohydrates are consumed. From the intestines, starchy carbohydrates are broken down into sugars, and the sugary or saccharide carbohydrates are absorbed directly into the bloodstream as sugars. These sugars are either burned off immediately with exercise (in the case of an athlete), they have a party with the other cells of the body, or they seek out fat cells. In the meantime, the body produces insulin to neutralize all the sugar before the party causes too much damage, and reduce the number of potential fat cells. This is why the carbohydrate sugars must try to find fat cells before they are neutralized. If they find fat cells, they will merge with the fat cell, enlarging the fat cells. If they do not find fat cells, they will become new fat cells. This is how carbohydrates cause obesity.

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