Centerville
Centerville is a mid-western town close to Chicago, Illinois. Unlike any other place in America, Centerville is the most boring location in the whole of America, and quite possibly The World.
Foundation[edit]
The town was formed in 1840 by settlers under the command of Cuthbert Pumphandle, who went west to flee persecution for owning the largest collection of toenail clippings at the time. The intelligent left the group, knowing what sort of town Pumphandle had in mind. Those with enough faith to believe Pumphandle was a hero helped him to create the town of Centerville we know today.
God smiled down on these honest hard working bigots and he blessed them further by making the fields as fertile as the loins of their womanfolk. Soon the fields yielded bountiful baskets of root crops, and the town experienced back ups in the women's birth canals.
Within a few years, Centerville was home to the Church of St. Paperweight (and the only place in America to hold the order), the Museum of Carpets and the first ever store to sell superhero comics about Insurance Salesmen.
Could life get any better? You betcha. In 1900 the town added a silage plant, and employed over 1,000 drunken Irish making corset stays (they worked for pennies and potatoes), as well as operating a Gideon Bible Plant and three whore houses to host the travelling sales people that rolled through town each week. In 1910, the first Centerville Flyer came off the assembly line, and in 1914 the second one rolled off as well. Centerville was fast becoming the little Detroit of Illinois. Yes sir'ee, them was fat times for all, too bad it all ended so badly for so many. Centervile is named centerville.
Most Boring Place Ever?[edit]
Voted as Most Boring Place Ever named Centerville in Illinois by readers of Uncyclopedia in 2005; Centervillians beg to differ.
They point to the fact that the community hosts the largest Ace Hardware store in the United States, and has more claw machines than you would find in Coney Island. The Turnpike exit to Centerville also boasts what have been voted the "Most Clean Toll Booths in the US" for ten years running according to American Toll Collector Magazine.
And if you're looking for late night entertainment, nothing beats a trip to Caddo's Cowboy Bar on Thursday nights, when you can ride the mechanical bull after 10pm for half price; free if you're under sixty, and topless.
International House of Fritters[edit]
The International House of Fritters on Route 62 (east of town) is considered one of the most best examples of roadside architecture in Centerville. Corn, apple, mango or cocoa - if it's an ingredient, they can fritter 'em for ya. They serve fritters anyway you want them, that's the way you get them.
This monument to international gastronomy is always trying to push the boundaries of the possible, seeking to expand the range of epicurean delights on offer. They have successfully frittered whole pineapples, pumpkins, watermelons and buffalo, but they still seek the ultimate frittering challenge. To this end, manager Hank Hankson has announced their intention to attempt the possibly foolhardy fritter fritter. "This may seem to be a step too far", noted Mr Hankson, "and some around here have foretold the coming of the apocalypse if such a venture is undertaken, but we are determined to create a new flavor sensation, and frittering a fritter is the kind of challenge we thrive on here!"
Notable Places of Interest[edit]
- The Church of St. Paperweight - The only church in the World to worship this purely-fictitious deity.
- The Museum of Carpets - Home to the largest collection of 19th and 20th Century carpets in America.
- The Big Smokey Hole - Set in the glorious Illinois countryside, this black crater has a diameter of 1 mile exactly, where Centerville once stood. A gift shop is on the site, along with radiation-proof suits, geiger counters and a plaque praising Admiral Donald Duck for his actions.