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Chester Cheetah, the Cheetos mascot, has his own uses for Cheetos.

Cheetos are a light yet tart fruit found in the upper regions of Texas, known for their tendency to get one's fingers messy, as well as their festive effects on most species of feline.


Cheetos are actually a deep-fried berry of the Chetatolo tree (Yabosolofias chetatios). In their raw form they contain a small amount of naturally occurring poison (in this case a derivative of cyanide) that can cause nausea and vomiting, so it's important they be cooked before being eaten. This is why Cheatatolo fruit is never sold as berries, but always in processed form. Often called 'The spawn of Chris Kattan', these fruit blossom once a year in what has been dubbed the 'mating' season. Since plant life does not mate, we've long since fired that guy.

Cheetos go best with sporting events but are not always primal in nature, sometimes stopping at a local coffee shop to read poetry or helping out at the library by reading books to small children. Cheetos can also possess certain evil qualities, and it is highly recommended you keep all children and other small wildlife away from them as they will poison their minds and make them do crack.

Biologists are still trying to determine the exact process that allows mature Cheetos to produce their distinctive orange pigment. This pigment is of extreme interest to scientists in the textiles market, as there is no known way to remove the coloring once it has come in contact with cloth.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Cheetos.

Cheetos were first discovered by an Englishman, Charles Elmer Doolin, and his expedition chef, Twisty McGee. Doolin put together an Amazon expedition to search for unusual animals to sell to P.T. Barnum. (Rumor has it he was also looking to get away from his wife, as she had just found out about his mistress.) He wanted to hire people who would be used to hot conditions, so he hired most of his expedition members from Louisiana, including his chef, Pierre.

How they ended up in Texas is a matter of debate among historians. To make a long story short, when Doolin found the berries, he gave them to Twisty who deep-fried them, because he deep-fried everything. Cheetos were born. Unfortunately Doolin would never know that he had achieved lasting fame as the discoverer of Cheetos because he killed by a tribe of cannibals. The only member of the expedition to survive was McGee, whom the cannibals released in exchange for teaching them the secrets of deep-frying.

Cheetos are commonly painted red,which causes a chemical reaction that makes Cheetos spicy. This process is known as "Flamin' Hot Cheetos." Scientists are currently dumbfounded as to why painting a fruit changes the flavor completely. Flamin' Hot Cheetos are sadists, commonly sending brave children who thought they were cool to the hospital because it was too spicy for their loser mouths.

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