Dallas Stars
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| Conference | Western | |
| Division | Central | |
| Arena | American Airlines Center | |
| City | Somewhere in the desert | |
| Colors | Green, Black, White, silver, and a Greener Green | |
| Stanley Cups | 1 (1999) | |
| Owner | Tony Soprano | |
| Fans | Everywhere in the desert; even the Tusken Raiders love em | |
“What if we got our ice skaters to quit having homosexual gang bangs and teach em to play hockey instead?”
“These MFs gay as hell!”
“Quit grabbin my dick!”
The Dallas Stars are a semi-professional ice-skating team that by chance also partakes in hockey. They are well known for choking in overtime, raping other teams (in an unconventional manner), and generally sucking each other off. They have some players who could be good and one of the "best goalies in the league"; however, they still find ways to lose against teams that should be no match against them.
History[edit]
Beginning of an Era[edit]
Back in 1966, Mr. Soprano's "Dallas Ballerinas Ice-Skating Club" was facing bankruptcy due to the simple fact that ice doesn't stay frozen in the desert. All hope seemed to be gone, until the owner saw the Arizona Coyotes and decided to copy them. He decided to invest in actual air conditioning systems to (hopefully) keep the ice frozen for at least an hour at a time. He trained his wonderful and very homosexual group of skaters to quit gang-banging each other and instead rape other teams on the ice with the side goal of scoring a goal.
First Season[edit]
The Stars had an explosive opening season where they gained a reputation for gang-raping teams into the ground on live television. They showed great prospect in winning the Stanley Cup and were predicted to bang the opponents into the ground. However, this clearly did not happen. Their original starting line was diagnosed with AIDS post-season for some reason and was banned from competing in the NHL.
That One Time They Won the Cup[edit]
The Stars managed to win 1 Stanley cup in 1999 and have managed to squander 4 others. They fought the Buffalo Sabres (the pointy knife not the tiger) and beat them 4-2. The Stars celebrated by having a ritual orgy in the locker room where they raped 7 reporters. The Stars received a 7 game ban; however they got out of it once they included some commissioners in the orgy.
The Modern Era[edit]
Overtime Wins[edit]
The Stars are well known in the 2023 season for squandering games that they should have easily won via going into overtime and losing in 30 seconds no matter the lead they previously had. The one time they managed to win was when their team captain played his 1000th game, and even then they almost lost.
Jamie Benn's 1000th Game[edit]
The star Dallas Stars player recently played his 1000th game, with all of his games being played while on the Stars roster. This is a moment in team history, and fittingly they (finally) won a game in overtime.
The Future[edit]
Sale of the Stars[edit]
On 2/14/2023, Tony Soprano offered the unconditional surrender sale of the Stars to an unknown buyer. Though leaks point towards the Charlestown Chiefs as the new owners.
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