Dear John letter

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Dear John letter.

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Monday, April 12, 2021  

Dear John Bull,

By the time you read this, I'll be burning in hell for my sins. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but uh, well... now what was it again... (God dammit) Oh, yes, I was going to write to you because... because... ummmhhh... (hang on a minute)... I seem to have lost my memory so I'll just improvise a letter with no true meaning from now on, if you don't mind (which you'll probably do).

I know this might seem like a Wikipedia article to you, seeing as we made all those plans to buy a million rubber ducks for all our retirement savings, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour. I just need more cowbell.

I want to tell you that I think you are really quite adequate, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are the only one in the world who actually thinks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are funny, and I am Republican. You like navel lint collecting, lassoing people on subways cars, and feeding rice to sea gulls, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date in Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone mentions the words "anorexia", "bulimia" and/or "starvation" in my presence.

I'd really like us to become old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, unless I was just dreaming.

Take care of yourself and never forget that the xenomorph implanted in your chest is going to erupt and kill you violently within two hours.

I hate you,

~ Your former sister-in-law.