Dr. Whoopass
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“He got a P.hd in whooping the ass”
“Yeah.”
Dr. Whoopass is a superhero who roams the streets of Generic City destroying things and people that piss him off. Whereas most might not view these as conventional acts of heroism, he claims that since he's making the world a better place for him, it is indeed heroic.
Childhood[edit]
Dr. Whoopass' humble beginnings take place far away from Generic City, deep in the woods. His father was a lumberjack, and his mother, a boulder. Though some may question the fact that his mother was a boulder, Dr. Whoopass' father says that his genitals were far to large for intercourse with any mortal woman, and only a boulder could truly carry his seed.
As a child, Dr. Whoopass led a privileged life. Instead of normal toys, the toddler Dr. Whoopass was given lit sticks of dynamite to play with. Some theories say this contributed to how tough he is. Other theories suggest that it may be the reason why two of his thumbs are missing. On the occasion of his thirteenth birthday, his father decided to surprise him by taking him on a hike through the mountains. When they reach the highest cliff with the most jagged rocks at the bottom, his father kicked him off of the cliff and threw several hatchets at him as he fell.
After landing, Dr. Whoopass proceeded to terrorize a grizzly, a rhino, and a pair of bug-eyed crack-addicted kittens formerly known for intimidating pro-wrestlers to buy their bathroom tissue brand.
Education[edit]
After beating most administrators and classmates mercilessly for enjoyment, he was awarded an honorary doctorate from the School of Hard Knocks. At the awards ceremony he crushed LaVar Arrington’s skull before devouring most spectators. The entire thing was filmed by Fox and broadcast on live TV, causing many women to simultaneously orgasm. However this fact was later refuted due to the consistent reports that many of those women were probably men.
Diet[edit]
Though the diet of Dr. Whoopass may be elusive to some, he does indeed eat. During his childhood, when he told his father he was hungry, he would be given a toothpick. Then he would be sent off into the woods to hunt grizzly bears. If the bear he killed weighed any less than 250 pounds, his father would brutally beat him, stab him and send him off to try again, but with half of a toothpick. Though Dr. Whoopass is also known to eat rusty flaming knives, he merely does that as a hobby.
The wild rumours about him eating the blood-stained meat of fresh human offspring as soon as their mothers gave birth to them when he punched them in the stomach so hard that the repercussions could be heard echoing out into space causing vast galactic empires to crumble from the sheer horror of being a witness to something so devastatingly awesome, turned out to be false.
Hobbies[edit]
Dr. Whoopass is known to practice some manly hobbies. In his off time, he enjoys to go to a maternity ward, find a mother who just gave birth, pick up her baby, and throw on the ground as hard as he can right in front of her. This extremely manly hobby has been deemed "Baby Spiking", takes up most of Dr. Whoopass spare time. He has also been known to headbutt a train that pissed him off for reasons unknown. After he headbutt the oncoming train, he consumed it out of spite. The good Dr has also been known to make use of his own-brand killing agent Whoopass when bored.
Midgets[edit]
Dr. Whoopass hates midgets with a passion. He believes that midgets are not people, merely freaks put on this planet for his violent amuesment. Whenever he sees a midget, usually in a petstore window, he will drop whatever he is doing so he can break the midget's neck and punt it across the city. He will then usually make some comment pertaining to how midgets are freaks.
It it unknown as to whether this hatred extends to include "midget gems", although many experts argue that nobody cares