Dustin Diamond

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“People don't realize that Disneyland in the early '90s was the perfect place to meet and hook up with chicks.”

~ Dustin Diamond, actual quote
Screech trying to be cool


Dustin Diamond is considered by many to be America’s third biggest washed-up child star. Only actress Lindsay Lohan and pro-wrestler Danny Bonaduce outrank him (although sources place their lead as narrow and closing). In the late 1980s and throughout the 1990s, he stared on the television show “Saved by the Bell.” The show revolved around several attractive teens and their friend Screech, portrayed by Dustin Diamond.

Behind the Bell[edit]

In 2009, Diamond penned a poorly written tell-all book about his cast mates from “Saved by the Bell.” Entitled “Behind the Bell,” it sold virtually nothing. In it, he attempted to malign his cast mates but only ended up maligning himself. In between the numerous typos, spelling errors, and repeated paragraphs, several salacious claims are made:

1.In the early 1990s, he would stalk Disneyland theme parks with the intention of soliciting sex from “international” girls (i.e. could not speak English) who recognized his character from the television show . (I’m being serious; no joke – the guy’s a fucking weirdo…he even needed a wingman to get it done, too).

2.He pissed in some poor woman’s purse while on set – and put ex lax in everybody’s drinks.

3.Claims to have had sex with over 2,000 women (less than 10 if you don’t count his relatives).

4.Implies that Tiffani Thiessen and Mark Paul Gosselaar would simultaneously enter producer Peter Engel’s office in order to have threesomes.

5.He had sex with a senior NBC executive who’s been dead for years; hence, cannot refute his claim.

Behind the Bell: Amazon Customer Reviews[edit]

“It's the worst book I've ever read. Ever.”

“This book was absolute garbage! the writing was god awful...not to mention there were multiple typos and even an entire paragraph printed twice in a row!”

“This is basically a few hundred pages of Screech trying to convince the reader that he is cool.”

“Clearly, he knows how inferior he was compared to the rest of the cast which is why every chapter had some reference to the size of his "unit".”

“If there was any reason that I would recommend this book, it would be because it acts like a certain type of vaccination against terrible writing. Once you're finished with it, and you stare slack-jawed and drooling at the last page, your mind dull and senseless due to the terrifyingly miserable work of 99% fiction and 1% unreliable memories you have just read---once all of that is behind you, you will know what bad writing is.”

How It Could Have Been[edit]

People don't realize that Disneyland in the early '90s was the perfect place to meet and hook up with chicks

If Dustin Diamond had not embarrassed himself by beating up an old man on Celebrity Boxing and by acting like an ass on Celebrity Fit Club, he might have been able to pass for a respectable person. He might have even received sympathy for his awful treatment by the cast and crew of “Saved by the Bell.” Instead, he threw that away while pursuing an extra five minutes of fame – throwing mud on everyone around himself while burning bridges with fans and former cast mates. Now, no one feels anything for him.