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The hub of the community. "What are the pictures of computers all about???"

“Take it to the bridge”

~ The Red Hot Chili Peppers

“Or perhaps the Hub or the Router?”

Ethernet is the most commonly used protocol for making friends and networking around the local area. Before its arrival, most local community networking was merely a token effort. Although it has been claimed that previous methods were more reliable, disaster often struck when either someone dropped the token behind the sofa, when the guy giving out the tokens ran off with their brothers wife. Also a lot of people complained that they had to wait ages to have their say, even though it was obvious that everyone else was eating dinner.

The protocol was the result of famed Network engineer Hunter S. Thompson consuming large amounts of LSD while several highly skilled monkeys were typing a copy of 'Fear and Loathing in The Microsoft Headquarters'. A fact Robert Metcalfe of Xerox PARC has always felt particularly miffed about.

10 Base 2 Ethernet[edit]

This version is very old, and was probably invented by your grandmother, maybe someone else's grandmother, but it's just pants these days, and is often mocked in public. It consists of a rat placing 'Bits' (usually cheese) in the internet tubes commonly known as intertubes.

One of the main problems was that the rats preferred eating the bits or on occasion crawled into the tubes after changing their minds. This caused the tubes to get clogged.

10 Base 5 Ethernet[edit]

The same as 10 Base 2, but the tubes are larger... Or Smaller... And 5 is a cooler number, don't you think? 10 Base 2 and 10 Base 5 are considered legacy ethernet. This means their grandfather left them a fortune when he died. It also means they get into all the best Universities. Damn those rich protocols!!!

10/100/1000 Base T Ethernet[edit]

Imported pornography

A much improved variant... If considered a little more 'Square' by fans of previous rounder protocols. It utilizes carrier pigeons with cheese instead of rats. This is because Carrier Pigeons don't like cheese. 10 Base T uses 1 pigeon, 100 Base T uses 2 pigeons, and 1000 Base T uses 3 Pigeons.

1000 Base FX Ethernet[edit]

This is ethernet over fiber optic lines. This works by shining a flashlight (Optical device) On your Chex or other Cerial(Fiber.) If you don't believe me just ask This Guy This works well because nothing is faster then light except for maybe Grues.

691050 Base Grue Ethernet[edit]

This form of Ethernet does not exist yet. Nothing, even light is faster then Grues however. In the unlikely event that this form of Ethernet is invented, prepare to be eaten by the network. On the other hand, it does mean others could also be eaten by your network. Ooh! Now there you've got something.


Obviously the tubes cannot be closed when the carrier pigeons are in them, or the pigeons would suffocate. This means that the network interface card (NIC, or Nick, or Bob, or JOE) needs to be able to detect carrier pigeons. The solution for this problem is "Carrier Sense Multiple Access with Collision detection" It used to be called "Rat sense multiple access with cheese detection" but that is only for older forms of Ethernet like 10 Base 2, and 10 Base 5. Collision detection is used to keep the Rats and or Pigeons from stealing each others cheese should they meet.


Duplex is a kind of kids block like Legos. What do they have to do with Ethernet? Well the small blocks are called half duplex, and the large blocks are called full duplex. The tubes in which animals crawl are made from duplex blocks. Full Duplex is only used in Cat5 tubes. Large blocks allow more pigeons in the tubes at once... Specifically a lane for incoming and outgoing pigeons. Rats are known never to stay in the right lane anyway, so many forms of Legacy ethernet are inherently half duplex.

The end of Ethernet[edit]

Ethernet died in the year 2025, when it was replaced by a man standing on a hill shouting "Frame Frame Frame" (Hill 2) and a man standing on Hill 1 shouting "1010101101011101011010010110100101" The man on hill 2 was Mr. Link, first name Data. The man on hill 1 was just known as P. Hysical.

As a result of Ethernet's death, Hunter S. Thompson, its inventor, committed suicide in 1905. This is owing to an accident with a time machine, and a newspaper covering this story landing in Thompsons hands during the Summer of Hate in 1971.

Ethernet had many mourners including Richard Nixon Why Nixon was included on that list we don't know, but that is ok.