Florence Nightingale

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“I'd do her...in the pooper.”

~ Ron Jeremy on Florence Nightingale

“Useless twats!”

~ Florence Nightingale on most women.
Florence Nightingale
Florence Nightingale, looking rather pissed off due to lack of thieving opportunities that day.

Florence Nightingale (12 May 1820 – 13 August 1910) was a confidence trickster who traveled with the British Army to the Crimea to steal dead soldier's watches. Her preferred modus-operandi was to dress as a nurse (nursing practices in the Crimean War were so pathetic that Charles Manson could have pulled it off), wander around military hospitals without making eye-contact with anybody and administer "mercy killings" with a pillow.

She is often credited with the invention of the Pie Chart, which she used to record the watch-to-soldier ratio in the British Army. She in fact stole the idea from a man called William Playfair. Florence NEVER played fair!

Young Nightingale

Florence Nightingale was born in Italy to upper-class British parents and named for the city of her birth (note for the terminally dumb: Florence)[1]). She returned with her family to Britain when she was one, due to her father being a fugitive in her birth-country for referring to the Pope as "...a pointy hatted, stuttering fool with the personal hygiene of a particularly unkempt goat".

Florence was home-schooled by her father in the two family homes at Embley and Lea Hurst. Lessons included cooking, sewing, looking pretty, doing what her future husband fucking well said and taking a beating quietly if she failed her home making duties.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Florence Nightingale.

Rebellious Nightingale

To the utter shock of her father, Florence was less than thrilled about the lifestyle he preached, and in her early 20s she told him that she wished to become a nurse. His anger would perhaps have been lessened had he known this was merely a ploy by Florence to get into a position to fund a lifestyle of pure hedonism by crime. As it was, he merely stated "Harumph! Haruuuuuuuuuuuuuuumph, I say!", and disowned her.

Florence's nursing training mainly comprised her stating "I'm a nurse!", a standard still generally accepted in 21st century Britain.

Evil Nightingale

Florence later worked on the roundabouts after the Crimean War.

After qualifying from the Florence Nightingale School of Nursing (in a record time of 2 seconds), Florence volunteered to travel to the Crimea to, ostensibly, help reduce the mind-boggling mortality rate among injured British soldiers. The government of the day, though rather wary of giving a woman ANY kind of job, decided to accept, on the basis that if pretty young Florence proved incapable of being a nurse, she could join the Camp Followers Brigade[2].

Florence quickly gained the trust of injured Brits, by letting them finger her (excessively dry) vagina as a "last wish". When a soldier in her care succumbed to his wounds, she was on the scene in record time, to steal his watch and any other valuables he may have on his person. When a soldier in her care failed to succumb to his wounds, Florence was again on the scene in record time to hold a pillow firmly on his face, to encourage him to do so.

A fraction of Nightingale's collection.

It is a certified fact that the mortality rate ROSE in her assigned hospital after Florence arrived in the Crimea.[3] 20th/21st century scholars generally agree that Florence's "achievements" were MASSIVELY overstated by the government of the day, to keep up support for the unpopular war.[4]

Florence earned the nickname "The Lady with the Lamp". The "Lamp" in question is now believed to have been stolen from a syphillitic Russian peasant[5], and the word "Lady" is presumed to have been used as in "Lady of the Night".[6]

Reformed Nightingale

The Crimean War ended in 1856 with Britain on the winning side, a fairly common outcome when she was not fighting anyone called William the Conqueror or George Washington.

After returning from the war-zone with a stellar reputation and a massive collection of watches, Florence found herself a wealthy woman in high demand from the hospital design industry. Despite knowing nothing about hospitals, nursing or architecture, Florence designed many of them, with a particular emphasis on "valuable boxes" for patients to keep all their valuable possessions in.

She is credited with training Linda Richards, America's first "qualified" nurse. Linda Richards served with the Union Army in the American Civil War, explaining the great timepiece shortage of 1866.

From 1859 onwards, Florence was regularly bed-ridden with "depression". Modern scholars now believe she was in fact suffering from compulsive masturbation syndrome. It is believed she may hold three world records: "driest vagina", "most clitoral orgasms" and "nimblest middle finger".

Dead Nightingale

Florence Nightingale died peacefully in her sleep, aged 90, on 13 August 1910. She left 789,000 watches to her elder sisterRosa Klepto, who suffered a heart attack carrying them to her horse and cart and died just weeks later.

A common-or-garden feminist.

Misogynistic Nightingale

Florence Nightingale is often considered to be a feminist icon. In fact, she held 99% of women in utter contempt.[7] The fact that this has passed most feminists by is (circumstantial) proof of just how painfully stupid feminists actually are.


  1. Italians call the city Firenze but that sounds like a bloke's name.
  2. Also known informally - and rudely - as the Whore Corps
  3. True. Feel free to check on that "other" online encyclopedia.
  4. Again, true, again, same source.
  5. Once believed to have been the writer Leo Tolstoy, now disproved in Russian tourist brochures
  6. OK...this isn't on that other encyclopedia, but that is because that other encyclopedia is shit in comparison.
  7. Comically, this is also true. Go check, you feminist morons.

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