Georg Hegel

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“A link between Pong and apple trees? What the Hell?”

~ Søren Kierkegaard on philosophy class as taught by Hegel

“Even I don't understand what I'm talking about most of the time”

“I could outconsume him.”

~ David Hume on alcoholism

Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, known to his friends and admirers simply as George, was a philosopher and smart-ass, and also a German. He invented the Hegel. His philosophy has divided people since its inception: on one side there are his admirers, including Karl Marx (also his on-and-off lover), Rene Descartes, Black Jesus, and the Republican Party, and on the other side are people who hate his guts, such as Søren Kierkegaard, Plato, Oscar Wilde, and the Democratic Party. No one really knows what his thoughts were (if he had any thoughts), but millions are willing to attack or defend them at any cost. He was also the skipper of the German Philosophers Football team, and went by the alias of "Knobby" Hegel. Too bad they, the Germans, couldn't get anything going insofar as they were always arguing with each other about being right.

Early Life[edit]

He grew up in a privileged home in Germany but was rather neglected by his parents who left to go for a drink with Jame Gumb's parents before finishing his birth certificate, thereby leaving the "e" off the end of his first name. For much of his early life he did nothing of much importance. However one time he was playing Pong and he had a brilliant idea:

“What if the whole universe worked like a game of Pong?”

~ Georg Hegel on The Universe

Around this seed of an idea he began to craft a philosophy so great, so fantastic, so convoluted, that it made no sense at all.

Later Life[edit]

Desiring to be well known, Georg adopted the name of the Kaiser and the Christian name of Nietzsche as his middle names. He wrote more books about the implications of his theory...but none of them seem very important. He did however teach many people his ideas. One of these students was Karl Marx, who later said "Pong=Communism". Another student was René Descartes who said "I think, therefore I am, so I can play pong and pwn you n00bs." It is worth noting that Hegel taught This Guy while This Guy was discovering the many joys of kitten huffing.

People Hegel Taught:

Teacher comments: Grade B-, Karl has been doing very well in class, but he keeps calling out "Revolution!" during class. Makes my job hard.

Teacher comments: Grade B, He is doing fine, but I think he may be a bit evil.

Teacher comments: Grade A, René always does his assignments and pays attention. He is however having trouble determining if he exists or not. Possible alcoholic.

Teacher comments: Grade C+ He's doing okay but he keeps asking annoying questions about the role of the individual and about God's provability.

Hegel is known to have invented the Here and Now, he is the father of instantaneous cognition. Here is the Here only when it is the Now, however, the Notion of the Here is called the This which is a different This than that of the Now, the Now is not the essential this but rather the extrinsic Notion of the Here. After the cognition of the Notion-Essence-Here-Now-This, consciousness fold back on itself and reflect on a There which is not the same There as the Here but rather a dynamic Here which is a manifestation of the Now


Before Hegel died he wrote a book called See Ya Later Gator. It was his only non-pong related book and is said to be the best book ever not written by Oscar Wilde. Hegel invented the Hegel on his death bed. He was 64 when he died.

See Also[edit]