House hippo

The North American house hippopotamus (Hippopotamus canuckus), more commonly known as the house hippo, is a small mammal related (obviously) to the much larger common hippopotamus. These majestic creatures are commonly found in homes in Canada and the eastern United States.

A House hippo feeding on scraps (hence the large size).

Origin

It is assumed that house hippos originated from Africa millions of years ago. However, during the ice age, many hippos walked from steppes of Africa to the boring beaches of Maine. Since their was no predators around to challenge these beasts, they gradually shrank over millions of years, until they ended up the guinea pig-sized weirdos they are. Originally, they lived in Canadian forests, but after humans settled the Americas, they gradually settled in the homes of these weird hairless apes.

Appearance

Standard sized House hippo.

The house hippo is a small, barrel-shaped mammal, with short legs and long muzzles. They commonly grow to about only 9 to 10 inches, or 23 to 25 centimeters for you non-American commies. This is due to lack of predators and the different environment that house hippos live in compared to the common hippo. Just like the common hippo, the house hippo's jaw strength is powerful, and they are able to pull objects four times their body weight.

Habitat

The natural habitat, as stated above, is the forest, however, they are much more commonly found in and around homes in Canada and the eastern United States. In the outdoors, they mark their territory by defecating, while inside house hippos use skin scents to mark territory.

Behavior

House hippos are generally timid, and unlike common hippos, aren't very aggressive. They will, however, defend their territory if provoked, and are able to take on animals twice their size. These creatures are mostly nocturnal, and generally wait for people to fall asleep before searching for food and water. Just like the common hippo, house hippos like to swim in water, usually dishes and sinks filled with said water. Unlike the common hippo, they build nests for sleeping, as they sleep 16 hours a day. They build their nests in typically in bedroom closets and sometimes in cabinets. They use lost mittens, dryer lint, and bits of string for the nest material.

A starving house hippo. Notice the hunger in its eye.

Diet

Outdoor house hippos generally eat fallen leaves and grass. Though the indoor house hippo occasionally eat these food items, they are more commonly found eating potato chips, raisins, and the crumbs of peanut butter on toast. They also feed on small white spheres, and will gobble every last one of them.

Relationship with humans

House hippos rarely interact with humans, as they don't want humans to find them, and kick them out like the cold heartless bastards that humans are. In fact, house hippos were thought to be myths by the general public until 1999, when Concerned Children's Advertisers made a PSA about the creatures. Since then, many young Canadian children have tried to find these small mammals in their houses.