HowTo:Deal with the Loss of a Loved One
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So, you’ve just suffered the loss of your mother/father/sibling/best friend. Well, you have my sympathy. Uh-huh, really. No, really, you do. No, I’m not just saying that to be nice. Yeah, yeah, I get it, you’re grateful, just stop kissing my new shoes, for fuck’s sake. In any case, at times like this, it is very important to know how to deal with loss of a loved one. Read on, and this helpful guide will properly instruct you on how to properly deal with your loss.
Stage 1: Receiving the news
Chances are that most people reading this have just experienced the loss of their loved one, and thus have passed this stage; however, it will be included here for the sake of completeness and to make the article look long enough to avoid deletion.
Receiving the news of your loved one’s death should, of course, be the time of one of your strongest reactions; you see, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as having someone to take out your immediate shock on. Key factors here are the cause of your loved one’s death and who delivers the news. An ideal situation is when your loved one dies of natural causes after a time in hospital, and the person delivering the news is the doctor who was treating; that gives you someone to blame on a plate. After the doctor has finished delivering the news, lower your head in silence for a minute to lure him into a false sense of security; then, suddenly, lunge at the doctor and start soundly beating him, aiming primarily for the ribs and groin, while manically howling ‘You bastard! You bastard! You let him/her die!’ Once you have him on the ground, grab his head and slam it against the floor a few times, preferably until blood has been drawn. If you have not yet been pulled off him, you should then grab a heavy object and begin beating him with that, breaking as many bones as possible and changing your battle cry to something incredibly unoriginal like ‘Aaaargh! I will kill you and your family, you bastard!’-indeed, killing him is a bonus. Again, if you have not yet been restrained, you should then find a more conventional weapon, such as a knife, and begin running around indiscriminately taking your anger out on other people-stabbing and beating a cancer patient here, raping and strangling a nurse there. Should any subsequent legal action be taken, you should have little trouble gaining the jury’s sympathy (a little crying in court won’t hurt) and copping a temporary insanity plea. Indeed, if you happen to live in America, you might well be able to get the doctor’s family to pay you reparations, which you can later use to hire a hitman to whack them (ensure that you ask him to bring you the severed head of their first born son).
Stage 2: The funeral
Okay, in this section, I’m making a few assumptions; firstly, that your dead loved one has a funeral, secondly, that you’re invited to it (and I’m guessing you’re too poor and too much of an asshole for either to happen), thirdly, that it happens directly after you receive the news of the death, and fourth, that it takes place in a church (because I’m presumptuous. Get used to it.) Anyway, at the funeral, two things can happen: you could be asked to give a speech, or you could not. Now, on the off-chance that you are asked to give a speech, you must make sure of two primary things: First and foremost, that it is very, very badly written, utilises a childish and unintelligent vocabulary, and contains at least a few grammatical errors. This, of course, as you will make widely known later, will be due to the fact that you were simply too distressed to write a decent speech, that you felt very intimidated being up in front of so many people, and that overall it was completely unreasonable for them to ask you to do a speech at such a distressing time of your life. Secondly, the content of the speech should make constant references to what a ‘wonderful person’ the deceased was, how much you loved them, and how unfair their death is. As the speech continues, you should get more aggressive, naming people who destroyed the deceased’s life and shouting at the vicar about ‘where God was’ when the deceased died, and generally descending into a rant about how everyone was a complete prick except the much-loved deceased. A voice choked with irritating sobbing should be maintained, and at various intervals you should collapse to the floor and have a sobbing/screaming fit. Finally, the speech should be concluded with you suddenly stopping in the middle of a sentence, then running toward the coffin, flinging it open, and passionately kissing the corpse in the most accessible spot (don't worry, plenty of respected people think such a thing is perfectly normal).
In the more likely event that you aren’t asked to do the speech, your dissatisfaction should be made very clear. Almost reasonable arguing with everyone involved in the funeral should become habitual and spontaneous crying, shouting, and calling various people at five in the morning to let them know how unhappy you are at this decision. However, it is crucial that you eventually relent; this gives you what is in fact an easier leeway for acting at the funeral: About half-way into the speech of the person who is doing it, you should quite suddenly stand up, and begin yelling something along the lines of this at them (N stands for name of deceased by the way. You dumbass.):
‘What the hell are you doing up there?! Why the hell are YOU giving the speech! N wouldn’t have wanted you to do this! N wouldn’t even have wanted you here! N hated you! N hated all of you except me! N would have wanted me to give the speech! N would have wanted me to arrange the funeral. N hated you all!’ Following this, you should run up to the front of the church, grab the person giving the speech, force them onto the altar, take out a kitchen knife (ensure you bring this to the funeral beforehand), howl a cultic ‘This is for you, N!’, cut the person’s gut and throat open, and spill their blood over the altar. This, again, should be concluded with flinging the coffin open and passionately kissing the corpse.
All in all, everyone should have a much more exciting funeral than the usual boring drag.
Stage 3: Directly afterward
Obviously, directly after the funeral, everyone will most likely be feeling very, very sorry for you. Use this to your full advantage, for there are numerous benefits to it. Firstly, ensure you are not asked to do any work. It should, of course, be obligatory that you are let off school/work, but by no work, I mean no work. If your wife/mother/roommate drops a fork and asks you to pick it up because it’s right at your feet, or a friend casually comments that you should perhaps sweep your porch soon, soundly beat until they are ceaselessly screaming and pleading with you to stop, then howl at them about what a great loss you have suffered and how completely insensitive to the feelings of others they are. In addition, ensure that you constantly remind people of how distressed you are; this is often most effective when done at random times. For instance, while at the local clothes shop asking an assistant about the price of the latest dress, it is very effective to suddenly, in the middle of a sentence, stop, stare into space for a minute, then collapse to the floor and start sobbing pathetically. Keep this up for ten minutes, and when someone eventually helps you up and ask what the hell’s wrong with you, give a sympathy-grabbing monologue about how you’ve just lost a loved one and are trying desperately to move on, but the world seems like such a hollow and cruel place, etc. Keep this up until you’ve reduced a few people to tears and the store manager has given you free 50 000 dollar credit for the store and a blowjob.
Stage 4: After some time
This is one of the most difficult stages; eventually, after a good six months or so have passed, the apparently limitless amounts of sympathy people seem to have for you will start to become somewhat drained, and they will tend to be somewhat less smitten with pity and somewhat more irritated when you randomly start sobbing into and blowing your nose on their best suit. At this point, the key thing will be convincing people that you need this excessive sympathy, or at least something like it. In other words, start acting in a way that will get people worried (okay, now I’m making the assumption that there are people in this world who care about you, which I’m finding hard to believe right now). How might you do this? Well, one of the most popular methods is, of course, cutting yourself, but not only is this excessively unoriginal, but you’ll be in a rather sorry situation if you’re lying bleeding to death on your bathroom floor, call your friend, and all they end up doing is grabbing their video camera, filming you die and putting it up on YouTube, where it receives a million hits a day. So, you’ll have to get creative. One easy and effective method is building a shrine to the deceased. It should be built in a relatively private area, such as one’s bedroom, and should consist of such things as old photos, hair and fingernail clippings, underwear, body fluid samples, and several manic, suicidal poems about your loss. In fact, to add to the effect, you may want to risk digging up the corpse and included several hacked digits and limbs, with the head stuck on a spike in the middle. Surround all this with candles. Ensure the shrine remains hidden until it is completed, and when it is found, ensure it is apparently by accident to add to your credibility. At this point, sympathy for you may well soar once again, in which case you will be sent to a psychiatrist. From here, spend a few sessions whining about how much you’ve lost while the shrink sits there pretending he gives a shit. Eventually, however, you should one day suddenly spring up, howl at the guy about how he doesn’t really care about you, throw some books at him, rape his receptionist, and storm out. Although this may once again lower sympathy for you, it is necessary since shrinks are adept at detecting when someone is sincere. However, as is more likely, people will just be god damned terrified by the pieces of rotting corpse sitting in the middle of your room, and you will be sedated, tied in a straight jacket, and sent to the loony bin. Once there, you will be surrounded by maniacs, who will be more than happy to express their sympathy for you by repeatedly raping and beating you while howling like animals. Everyone wins.
Stage 5: Ending it all
Yep, that means what you think it does. Look, there’s no ‘moving on’ here. Once you’ve spent six months centring your life around the death of another, people are gonna realise it’s all been phoney if you suddenly decide one day to move on, and will most likely kill you themselves when they comprehend all the energy they’ve wasted feeling sorry for you. If you need more rationale, you’ll probably have realised by this time that this entire guide has been a hoax, and all you’ve done this entire time is be a complete asshole and attention whore.
What? You need more reason? Okay, you’re a sad, pathetic little weed of a human whose mother doesn’t love them and who goes to an obscure satire encyclopaedia for advice on dealing with loss.
Now, on to the suicide: I’m not here to tell you how to kill yourself, that’s another HowTo (though I would advise avoiding the old favourite of walking down the street in the middle of the night looking for windowless vans with nice men driving them). I’m here to tell you, primarily, about your suicide note; it should be short, concise and to the point, and should not try to spare anyone’s feelings. Specifically, it should name everyone who made your life even more miserable since the loved one left you, and how they failed to give you any sympathy (ensure the people you name here are the ones who gave you the most sympathy, and who basically went out of their way to make you feel better). It should, of course, also include a detailed description of your adoration of the dearly departed, and should mention how, without them, the world is hollow, empty, shallow and other stupid metaphors. Top it off with an emo poem.
Step 6: What now?
Well…nothing. You’re dead. What? What do you mean it didn’t work? Well, its hardly my problem you can’t tie a noose properly. Okay, fine, I’ll shoot you, just…no, I most certainly will not rape your corpse afterwards! I don't care if it would flatter you! Just…go stand against the wall and shut up.