This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
How to deal with witches
In medieval times, better known as the Golden Ages witches were often hunted down and burned at the stake. There were many witch tests, such as the following:
- Throw the suspect into the river. If he drowns he is innocent, if he floats HE'S A WITCH
- Test if they burn easily. If they do they're a human, if they don't SHE'S A WITCH
- Suspect must lick a red hot pan. If his tongue burns he's human, if it doesn't HE'S A WITCH
- Stab them in the heart. If they bleed they're human, if they don't SHE'S A WITCH
- Test their intelligence. If they're smarter than you THEY'RE A WITCH
How to build a witch
Obtain at least two human cadavers (preferably of normal build and height for an adult female). These can be purchased for a reasonable price at your neighborhood 7-11.(Outright theft of a dead body is strongly discouraged, simply because if you are caught, people may get the wrong idea about your personal lifestyle.) Select the corpse that seems in best overall condition and set the others aside for spare parts.
Carefully examine the prospective corpse for any signs of missing limbs, abnormal wear-and-tear, and/or fungus growth. If you happen to notice large warts and a superfluous third boob, so much the better because these will increase the market value of your new witch. (Alternatively, a third boob may be transferred from a spare corpse, but such alteration is easily detected by experienced collectors and is generally frowned upon.)
Replace any missing arms or legs from your stock of spare parts, and weld the joints to prevent future dislocation. Small patches of fungus may be removed by vigorous sandpapering, but may have to be excised with a chisel if the growth is too deep, and refilled with spackle paste.
Purchase a sufficient supply of plastic Halloween vampire fangs and a complete set of Lee's™ press-on fingernails and toenails. Apply fangs and nails with a liberal slathering of Elmer's glue and allow to dry overnight.
Attach a false nose to the center of the face. The use of a long gnarly carrot is recommended, provided that it can be adequately supported by either a long piece of elastic, or firmly adhered with duct tape. Replace eyes with two suitably painted ping-pong balls. Mousse and style hair (or attach a frizzy wig if the supply of hair seems inadequate).
Presentation and touch-ups
Apply a generous quantity of vivid green paint to all exposed fleshy surfaces. Caution is recommended here to notify the film development crew in advance that the witches natural coloring is, in fact, supposed to be green (issue a set of suitable color swatches for proper lighting calibration). See The Wizard of Oz to get the right shade of green.
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a witch. May you rot in hell, heretic.
Witches in schools
Taking your witch to school may be problematical in some areas. Witchcraft is rarely practiced openly in schools because the penalty of Black Magic is death by Lawnmower. It is common practice to report any signs of supernatural activity to the school administrators, or officers of the law if deemed necessary. This could lead to the school authorities confiscating your witch and selling him/her to provide extra funds.
In more progressive areas, possessing a witch is regarded as essential if you want to become a Wiccan. If you want to own a witch for a long time, you will have to accept their peculiar dietary needs. You will have to extra care in sourcing their raw materials (insects, lizards, snakes, empty cigarette packets) without damaging the wildlife. Stealing other students hamsters is also discouraged, though witches are known to crave the flesh of this particular rodent.
Schools will provide a cauldron if you are also combining witchcraft with a qualification in corporate hospitality. but remember they have certain dietary needs. Witches prefer to practice the secrets of their cult in solitude to avoid body shaming.
Dangers of witches in school
Witches are nonviolent themselves, and appear to be very friendly and responsible in public areas. However, in the confines of their secret lairs, witches tend to conduct experiments and brew potions that may harm those in generations to come.
Motorola 6809 was one such experiment. Hidden in the deep bowels of ENG 245, this grotesque monstrosity was created. It was rumoured to be created by mixing 3 eyes of newt, 2 frog legs, 4 lizard tails, and an unknown amount of 'Tear of Student'. The 6809 has terrorized over three generations of students, and has created more 'Tear of Student' than any other evil contraption. This is done by the creator utilizing the most unnatural, vile, disgustingly-horrible assembly language known to man. The assembly code was deemed obsolete two years before invented, however, the works of an evil witch doctor kept the compiler alive.
Many potions that may harm individuals on contact are: unholy water ('Tear of Student', 3 eyes of newt, and 1 frog leg), garlic potion, and snake gravy (powdered snake, reconstituted soybean oil, melted lard, and hydrogenized dehydrated mush).