HowTo:Really Piss Admins Off
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Hello, this is Uncyclopedia, home of funny and scarily weird stuff, alike. Surely in this great place it is impossible to really piss admins off? Well, you are wrong! The following article should give you a detailed strategy on how to really, super-duper piss admins off without getting blocked. You've got to remember that admins are only human, so you should use this as a tool against them... if you're the type who agrees with the following quote...
“Uncyclopedia is just nonsense! Incoherent madness such as AAAAAAAAA is treated as 'the pinnacle of literary exfcelence'. There is so much JUNK on this webcite I could sell it on a yard sale!”
...or you bear a particularly strong grudge against admins or one particular admin, then you've come to absolutely the right place! OK, so now I'm rambling, but that's because this first paragraph has to be a reasonable length. There we go...
- Get the flavour of Uncyclopedia. Have a look around, find out about all the so called "in jokes" (on second thoughts maybe that's beyond the call of duty, I would, er, leave this to the more intrepid annoyers), and get to know some of the big bad admins. Who did what? When? You need to start compiling detailed notes on each admin, including personal details, such as phone numbers, email addresses and house numbers. You should select one particular admin that you really want to piss off, say this guy, "The Led Balloon".
- Sign up with appropriate name. Now you've got to sign up. If you've picked "TheLedBalloon" sign up with a name like "I Slept With TheLedBalloon's Sister". Remember be annoying, not stupid or funny! Also, make many accounts, like "TheLedBalloon II", "TheLedBalloon ", etc. in case you get banned. (If the admin you picked gets banned, so more the better!)
- Begin a gentle campaign of online spam. Start it off nice and easy, a few comments here, a few comments there. A bit of vandalism here, a bit there. Slowly crank things up, refer to your notes and find their email address. Start to send average spam to them ("Size Matters, Women Care!"). This will just annoy and frustrate them. Increase the amount of spam per day and if possible set up a spam bot to send the emails for you. Then you can start to send personalised spam with their name and personal details in the email. At this point you should refer to your notes again, and find their house address. When you have this, park yourself outside for a whole day and snap some random shots of them and any relatives available. You can then post or email these pictures to the admin in question. Hopefully the police won't interfere.
- Begin your blackmail campaign. Dig up some dirt on the admin you're conducting your campaign of hate against. Let them know you know about this "dirt" and get them super-duper scared. You can email them, fax them or mail them, you could even phone them (but you should then disguise your voice). You could ask for money or a promise that makes you exempt from bans or some other "favour".
- Hire a computer geek and hack, hack, HACK! Nothing like a computer geek for annoying someone, is there, 'ey? Find your most localest geek and pay them "protection" (or some other scammy way of skimping on paying actual hard dosh). Now you can start to hack the admin. Login to their PC and change various passwords. One brilliant trick is to delete some or all of their porn, this will REALLY piss them off! Even better, though, is to delete that all important reminder "wedding anniversary"... You could even log into their email account and send embarrassing emails to friends and family (a good one is to send "Steve I fucking love your balls, why don't you come round and touch me up, oh shit yeah!" to Tom. Tom will think he's struck Gossip Goldmine). Top Tip: Once you've sent these emails change their password so they can't simply send out an email to everyone saying "my account got hacked".
- Start writing annoying articles that aren't really enough to get you banned. Like this one.
- Send them LOTS of Valentine's Day cards. For some inexplicable reason this can really piss off annoyed admins, when they know all the Valentines are fake. Better still send all these Valentine cards in a way you know their partner will find. For example, have them heaped at the door...
- Be stupid and not just funny... When you write articles ALWAYS follow this rule as well as the Golden Rule.
The Golden Rule
The Golden Rule is not to be stupid or funny but plain annoying. Putting something like this on a certain admin's talk page will not annoy them but amuse them:
“YHE ASSHOL WHY DID IU DELETE MY PAGE ON SVERE ANAL BEAD DISCHARGE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!? I WASNT DUN WIT IT AN IT WUZ TEH FUNNI!!11 FUK YOU ADMIN U ARE DIK!!!11!1”
“FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT ADMIN! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE AND FUCKING GO TO FUCKING HEAVEN OR SHIT, YOU FUCKING PIE-CUNT, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE FUCKING POWER OVER ME, YOU FUCKING SHITE, WHEN YOU CLEARLY DON'T? HM? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AGAIN! AND FUCK YOU AGAIN! TRIPLE FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU TILL YOU BLEED AND CRY....FUCKING FUCK! YOU, HYPED-UP FUCKED UP PIECE OF FUCK-HORSE-FUCK-SHIT NAZI! FUCK YOU! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING FUCK PROBLEM, YOU FUCKED UP FUCKING FUCKER?? FUCK OFF, YOU DONKEY-RAPING, SHIT-EATING COCK-MASTER FUCKER!”
...After seeing that the admin will probably laugh their little head off! In fact, it will probably make their sad day ("Yay! I'm popular, new comment on my talk page, oh yay it's hate! Only super popular people get haters! Yay!" etc.)
No seriously, though, that's a real comment (the first one, not the second one, the second one I made up for the fun of it, it's fun making up stupid hate comments, you should try)! Hopefully a satirical comment, but I don't really know. Saying something like "I Slept With Your Mum" could annoy them, especially if you provided photo evidence. But you've got to be careful, don't push it over the edge, you don't want them to ban you. One good technique is to make them look weak if they ban you, for example challenge them to a flame war.
Admins are sad people who often have no life, but are always very busy, always very BUSY (more information on admins here! They probably receive a lot of spam from people who have had their crappy articles deleted. If you want to really scare/annoy/depress an admin you could send a pipe bomb to his or her home address. Better still, you could fake a divorce note and send it to their partner. In the past I've heard people suggest that you should call in an air strike on their houses, but this isn't clever because it usually doesn't annoy the admin in question, just kills them. YOU DON'T WANT TO KILL THEM! BELIEVE ME!
Subtle things are good, such as having their door painted bright red in an area where only green doors are allowed. This will piss the admin off because they will have to repaint their front door and probably have to pay a fine to the local authorities (or maybe that only happens in weird British spy TV series).
And If You Do Get Banned...
If you do get banned, don't panic!
If it's a temporary ban then wait it out... If it's a user ban then create another user account with an even more insulting name... And if it's a permanent IP ban then don't worry, just change ISP provider or buy a new computer, it's that simple. If you have the money you could buy a load of monkeys and a load of computers and then force the monkeys to start setting up loads of user accounts.
If you have even more money you could buy a whole server and do shit with that, be inventive and creative with this. Find a thesaurus and look up assorted expletives (e.g. "motherfocker", "cuntfuckedface" or "fuckingFUCKfucker"), you'll be amazed by the results (did you know that "shit-a-brick" is actually in a dictionary??).
...And remember. Always be prepared. And armed. Heavily armed.