Interlingua

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Interlingua is a type of French with intentionally horrific grammar and pronunciation, invented by a German linguist during World War II for the purpose of annoying the French. Interlingua was developed to combine a butchered, almost creolic grammar with a vocabulary common to as many actual Romance languages as possible, making it unusually annoying to hear and see, at least for those whose native languages were sources of Interlingua's vocabulary and grammar. Unfortunately, some speakers of Germanic languages today continue to use this weaponized patois as a rapid introduction to Romance languages.

Interlingua literature boasts that Interlingua is obnoxious to the hundreds of millions of people who speak Romance languages, though it is thankfully actively spoken by only a few hundred.

Creation[edit]

During the invasion of France during World War II, the Nazi Party became aware that the French were almost all monolingual and wouldn't understand orders shouted at them in German. They would thus be required to shout at them in French, but a conundrum arose: none of them spoke good French, and they were aware that the French were very particular about the way their language was spoken.

Faced with this linguistic dilemma, they went to information minister Joseph Goebbels, who thought about it for a few seconds and then replied, "Fuck those cucks. We'll speak the worst French we can possibly speak on purpose, and they'll have to listen to it and do what we say. We're Germany, bitch." The rest of the Nazis promptly agreed and said "that'll totally own the 'vists."

Because money was tight, the project was financed by robbing a Dutch-American widow through a front group called the International Auxiliary Language Association. A linguist named Alexander Gottfried Friedrich Gode-von Aesch was commissioned to create the patois, which he called Interlingua, and the operation was a great success, demoralizing the French even more than if the Germans had gone there and attempted to speak French.

Grammar[edit]

To illustrate how the grammar was custom-designed to annoy the French, let's look at the present-tense conjugation for the verb "to march" in both languages:

Singular (French) Plural (French) Singular (Interlingua) Plural (Interlingua)
1st person je marche nous marchons io marcha nos marcha
2nd person tu marches vous marchez tu marcha vos marcha
3rd person il marche ils marchent ille marcha illes marcha

As you can see, in Interlingua the verbs don't change form for person or number at all, which is really atrocious French. Upon being corrected, the Germans would say "Io diceva 'marcha', cucu!" and the French would have no choice but to listen or be shot.

Legacy[edit]

The Académie française considers Interlingua to be the second greatest crime ever inflicted upon the French language after Belgium, and probably literally as bad as the Holocaust, though most French Jews adamently disagree. Every year on January 15th a moment of silence is observed for the victims of German linguistic violence, which is almost always interrupted by packs of neo-Interlinguists attempting to recreate the butchery of past days.