Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Jean-Jacques "Bad Boy" Rousseau (Born June 12, 1712) is a Swiss philosopher, musician, and a generally well-liked guy. (Opinions may differ.) He is best known for his involvement in the punk band The Clash, his many books, such as the Social Constipation and A discourse on inequality, and the Blockbuster film Minions, loved by critics and fans alike almost everywhere in the entire world.
Early life[edit]
Rousseau was created by an explosion, very similar to the Big Bang, but on a much smaller scale, a veritable Small Bang. This unexplained explosion took place on June 12, 1712. Promptly after being cast into this universe, Jean was raised by a vicious pack of wolves, who taught him everything he needed to know, such as how to be a badass and pick up chicks. Rousseau learned to read and write at the age of 4½ months, and started walking at the time of his birth. By age five he knew five languages, English, Pig Latin, French, German, and gibberish.
He went to Elementary School at The Institute for gifted philosophers raised by wolf packs. Though he had much in common with the other students, like Albert Camus and Friedrich Nietzsche, he always felt like an outcast. This feeling of alienation caused him to drop out of school after grade four.
Rousseau joined the other drop-outs wandering around Paris until he was eighteen, doing odd jobs and performing musical acts as a one-man band. In this small section of his life, Jean managed to learn how to be a plumber, an electrician, and on the side, a male prostitute. But out of being a one-man band, a plumber, an electrician, and a male escort, he is best known for the one time he got intoxicated at Voltaire's party and ran around naked with a lampshade on his head, while rambunctiously shouting "Wee Woo, Wee Woo, Wee Woo!". His life quickly spiraled down after that, losing all of his friends because they refused to hang out with a Swiss drunk who dropped out of fourth grade. This rejection induced him to start the famous punk band, The Clash.
Time with the Clash[edit]
Rousseau started The Clash in 1730 to let out his anger on being rejected by all his friends and whine about how he had a hard life. After creating the band, his net worth skyrocketed to three-hundred million dollars. Rousseau and the rest of the guys were best known for their hit album "Emile" which brought them their fortune and fame.
They initially planned to have the Emile tour in America during 1776, but they canceled their plans due to the American Revolution, and decided to trash every Motel 6 within fifty miles of their recording studio.
In 1800, while working on a new album that was never released, the other band member kicked down the door and told Rousseau that they were kicking him out and replacing him with David Bowie, who is now falsely portrayed as the front man of The Clash. Rousseau was shocked to hear that his new pals were giving him the boot, so he promptly stated "Screw you guys, I'm going home.", a famous quote from George Washington, which he said after finishing his second term as president of the United States of America.
The Clash went on to write ten more unsuccessful albums after they kicked Jean out.
Adult life[edit]
At the ripe age of 250 something, Rousseau invented the Atari. Many countries craved it, not least the USA and the USSR. Because of Rousseau's indecision on which country to gift the amazing device to, he unknowingly fomented the Cold War. He was shunned again for the third time in his life, and became seriously depressed. Due to his severe depression, Rousseau sparked a plan to kill President Abraham Lincoln for attention and love.
Rousseau knew that President Lincoln was going to be at a trashy Regal Cinema in the small town of Kansas City. So he expertly hid a loaded .44 magnum in his rectum without a discharge. After lurking at the theater for an hour, he went into the showing room and shot President Lincoln thirty-four times in the chest, and then beat him with a pool stick. He then shouted, Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! This means "thus always to tyrants," or something.
After assassinating Abraham Lincoln, Rousseau escaped in his 2004 Chevy Cobalt and rode to Arizona, where he started a gang of outlaws known as the Wild Bunch.
Death and Legacy[edit]
Rousseau died on September 15th, 1901. While going in to a 7/11 to buy some cigarettes, he was shot in the chest by a man named Jack Ruby. Rousseau told the indian-american clerk as he was dying "That hurt dude, not cool!", as a fountain of blood spurted out of his chest. Many people showed up at his funeral, not limited to, but including Voltaire, Camus, Joe Strummer, David Bowie, Jesus, and Ronald Reagan. As they laid his coffin down into the ground, it was said that the clouds covered the sun and it started to rain, showing that god loved Rousseau.
Rousseau left a lasting impact on the whole world after he was murdered. Many people today read his literary works, watch his movies, and dress up as him for Halloween. If it weren't for him, modern philosophy, Punk Rock, and video games wouldn't exist. He will always be remembered as a true Hero, not only to Earth, but to the Universe.